Everyone is training for something called a “Spartan Race.” Everyone except Shannon, who is complaining that David spends too much time training for Spartan Races. That is because he doesn’t want to be at home. Tamra takes a break from training to complain to Eddie about Peggy and Vicki. Eddie, like the rest of us, doesn’t care.
Shannon meets Peggy for lunch, and her eyes go misty when Peggy orders a vodka with a splash of soda and four limes. Shannon has met her high maintenance soul sister. While that’s good for Shannon, it’s bad for us, because this lunch means we have to sit through a scene with Peggy. Dull, colloquialism-challenged Peggy. Shannon tells Peggy that she upset Tamra by urging her to let go of her issues with Vicki, and warns Peggy to be careful of getting too close to Vicki. Peggy explains that she appreciated Vicki’s offer to help her after her double mastectomy. Did you know that Peggy had a double mastectomy? Because Peggy had a double mastectomy.
Shannon assumes Peggy had a double mastectomy because she tested positive for the BRCA gene, but the joke’s on Shannon. Peggy tested for the BRCA gene, but was negative. She explains that she went for a mammogram, which was inconclusive, so she had an MRI. This is pretty standard. I’ve been sent for follow-up testing after every mammogram I’ve ever had. Peggy tells Shannon that the MRI detected something the mammogram did not, then in the next breath tells Shannon the MRI didn’t detect anything. Shannon is confused, and wonders why Peggy got the double mastectomy if she was negative for the BRCA gene and wasn’t diagnosed with cancer. Obviously Peggy got the double mastectomy so she would have something to talk about with passing acquaintances at cocktail parties.
Briana’s kids are having swimming lessons at Vicki’s pool. That pool is the one good thing Vicki has done in her life. Vicki yammers to Briana about Tamra and Shannon, but Briana doesn’t care. Neither do we. This is the most boring season of OC ever.
Meghan is doing a photo shoot. She’s dabbled in modeling before, and her body bounced back from her pregnancy, so why not? She loves being a mother, but needs to work outside the home to be fulfilled. I’m sure the women I see on the bus, Wal-Mart uniforms on their bodies and exhaustion on their faces, are also seeking fulfillment by working outside the home. Meghan is totally in touch.
Ugh, another Peggy scene. She and Diko are at a restaurant, and Peggy goads him into doing some stupid butterfly impression to
annoy amuse the server. But the butterfly impression is not amusing. Like all of Peggy’s attempts at humor, it doesn’t land. She and Diko move on to her lunch with Shannon. Yawn. Diko is the girliest husband on this show, with his seemingly endless capacity for gossiping with his wife about women’s petty spats.
Peggy tells Diko some of Shannon’s comments “came out of left field,” but quickly remembers that she’s pretending not to understand English figures of speech and asks him what “left field” means. Well, Peggy, since you just used the phrase correctly in a sentence, it looks like the jig is up. But Peggy doggedly pursues her shtick, asking Diko what “right field” is. Oh, Peggy, just give it up. I think the OC producers need to give up on casting women named Peggy. This Peggy is even more boring than the Peggy who slept with Jim Bellino. And also asked renowned restaurateurs and Top Chef Masters Susan Feniger and Mary Sue Milliken to serve deep fried Oreos at her dinner party.
Vicki and Kelly go shopping at Kelly’s friend’s boutique. Vicki looks ridiculous in a floppy hat and too short dress. The friend has an aura machine that apparently analyzes the energy from your chakras. Vicki doesn’t want to participate because she doesn’t believe in anything other than Jesus. And insurance. She has thrown away her “voodoo” crystals and de-feng shui’d her office to show the world her contempt for all this new age nonsense. She is actually just showing the world how provincial, uneducated and closed-minded she is.
Shannon and David meet Tamra and Eddie for dinner. Shannon announces that she’s lost four pounds and her body fat is three and a half percent lower. Good for Shannon! Maybe now we can stop hearing about how Vicki is to blame for her weight gain. Eddie orders a seafood tower for the table, and it is the best thing I’ve ever seen on this show.
They talk about the upcoming Spartan Race, and Shannon rakes David over the coals for spending too much time training for it. She complains that he works out in the morning, goes to work, spends fifteen minutes having dinner with her and the girls, then works out again until it’s time for bed. She chokes up as she says exercise is now his number one priority. Does Shannon really believe that? David’s number one priority is staying away from Shannon. The last time he checked out of the marriage he had an affair with a woman. This time he’s having an affair with the Spartan Race. Six of one, half dozen of the other.
Tamra and Peggy meet for lunch. Ugh, another Peggy scene. Peggy’s hair looks like brown straw. She needs a deep conditioning treatment and a hairbrush. Tamra explains why she was upset with Peggy at the Nobleman party, and Peggy clarifies it was not her intent to upset Tamra. Peggy educates us on the Armenian method of conflict resolution, which is to deflate the situation. Is anyone else sick of hearing about the Armenian way of doing everything? Tamra tells Peggy she has resting bitch face, which she does. The producers teased this scene like something was actually going to happen but of course nothing does. Like a good Armenian, Peggy deflates and she and Tamra part on good terms.
It’s time for the Spartan Race. Someone who has taken way too much Human Growth Hormone barks commands at the racers, who respond with guttural chants before taking off. Tamra warns us how brutal the Spartan Race is, what with the military-style obstacles the runners have to navigate. We see them climbing walls, sloshing through mud pits, throwing javelins and jumping over fire, among other things. It looks like a Road Rules challenge for middle-aged weekend warriors.
Despite the grueling nature of the Spartan Race, Tamra and Lydia find time to gossip about why Shannon isn’t there to support David. Lydia finds it odd that Shannon wouldn’t take the opportunity to get involved and therefore connect with David over his newfound love for Spartan Racing. She opines that Shannon’s resentment stems from deeper dysfunction in the marriage. So true.
Kelly, Meghan and Shannon go out for St. Patrick’s Day. As I noted last week, Shannon is wearing the same unfortunate shirt she wore to the pub crawl in Ireland. Only Shannon can make sequins look frumpy. Meghan cringes as Shannon greets her and Kelly with her painful attempt at an Irish accent, and they head to the bar where they drink whiskey straight out of the bottle. Meghan is thrilled she can drink again. #goals.
They of course start talking about Vicki. God, when does it end? Kelly tells Shannon that Vicki thinks Tamra is in Shannon’s ear. Oh really? Well Shannon thinks Vicki is in Kelly’s ear, so there! They rehash some of last season’s conflicts–the tequila dinner in Ireland and the supposed setup at the 70’s party–before Kelly apologizes and the hard drinking commences.
We are now eight episodes in, and still nothing has happened.
Next week: A scene with Peggy and her family (yuck), Vicki once again claims to have photos and text messages that prove David beat Shannon–God, could this woman be ANY more despicable?!–and Kelly maligns Meghan’s mothering.