Vicki loves being a grandmother, and Vicki Gunvalson can’t just tell you she enjoys something and leave it at that. She has to go full on in-your-face psycho to convince you she is the MOST involved grandmother in the history of grandmothers, her office has the MOST pictures of grandchildren in the history of offices–whatever she’s doing, she’s always the MOST at it. The most frazzled, the most stressed, the most desperate, the most victimized, the most everything. She is certainly the most obnoxious, the most annoying and the most exhausting, I’ll give her that.
She starts telling Michael and Briana about the sip-and-see (I thought I was done typing that last week! Grr.), as if they care. Briana might care a little, but I guarantee that Michael has already tuned his mother out and is thinking about hamburgers. Why is Vicki even talking about the sip-and-see? Nothing happened there. Has this series devolved so much that even drama free non-events have to be rehashed ad nauseum? Apparently.
Meghan’s nanny is surprised by how civil everyone acted at the sip-and-see. Meghan points out that Shannon was very nervous. Shannon was so nervous that Meghan had to ask her why she was so nervous! I wonder how many brain cells I wasted typing that sentence? Thankfully Meghan calls Jim and we are saved from watching another inane conversation about everything that didn’t happen at the sip-and-see. Jim Edmonds is always entertaining. He is more interested in eating than talking to his wife, he doesn’t want to see the dog, he’s kind of bummed that he’ll be on the West Coast while Meghan is in St. Louis, but not really, and he just wants to hang up the phone so he can leave for the airport. Meghan insists that when he’s not being a complete asshole, Jim is actually a softie. We’ll take your word for it, Meghan, but we don’t want to see it. The most interesting thing about the OC this season is Jim Edmonds’ utter contempt for everything having to do with “the ladies.”
It’s Lydia’s birthday, and her husband is keeping up her family’s tradition of overindulging her on her special day. Her first gift is a $90,000 “mom car,” and her second gift is a $180,000 Aston Martin “fun car” for when she goes out. Imagine how awful it would be for Lydia to be forced to hit the town in a dreary old mom car, so that’s a relief. Her other gifts fall into a category that could be called restrained extravagance, if that wasn’t an oxymoron–but compared to $270,000 in vehicles, a Chanel necklace is rather sedate. Doug makes up for that mundane bauble, however, with a private helicopter ride to a spa on Catalina Island. I have to say, Lydia’s birthday is going pretty well for her.
Ugh, a Peggy scene. With her children, no less. She’s glad her children choose to work, even though they don’t have to. I’ll bet that is the first thing Peggy says to people when they find out her children work–oh, they don’t have to, they choose to. God forbid anyone in the OC should think Peggy doesn’t have enough money to give her children a life of leisure. Peggy worked once, for three weeks. She quit when they asked her to clean the bathroom because she doesn’t “do” bathrooms. What a cliche. Has there ever been a person with new money who doesn’t try to pretend they were to the manor born by saying things like they don’t “do” bathrooms? Peggy–you are not original, you are not a princess, and I guarantee that at some point in your life, you have “done” bathrooms. So please.
Peggy tells her daughters about the sip-and-see (really?) and here we go with her shtick. Peggy thinks that by perpetuating old issues the other women are just “opening the worm up.” That Peggy! Just a quaint little immigrant who can’t wrap her babushka around common idioms! Even though, as her daughters point out, she majored in English. Peggy is a fraud. A trite, boring, fraud.
Doug and Lydia talk about their upcoming Nobleman launch party. Lydia has invited the other women because they got along at the sip-and-see, and she hopes she can orchestrate a rapprochement between Vicki and Tamra. Lydia needs to stay out of it and focus on Doug’s balls while he still has them.
Tamra and Eddie are out for dinner, discussing her estrangement from her daughter–which is why Tamra is estranged from her daughter. Tamra thinks that since she cut off her father because he married her mother’s best friend, maybe her marriage to Eddie is the reason Sidney cut her off. That is not the reason. Sidney cut Tamra off because, despite her daughter’s repeated pleas to stop pimping her out on national television and social media, Tamra kept doing it. It’s really very simple, Tamra. It has nothing to do with your tawdry upbringing or your failed marriages; like every other negative thing in your life, it has to do with your big mouth. And your shameless famewhoring.
Kelly and Michael Dodd bicker over dinner. The sixteen-year age difference is starting to affect their marriage. Kelly is upset that Michael, like her mother, just wants to sit at home while Kelly wants to globetrot and party it up at the Q-Dub. Michael loves that she’s a social butterfly but Kelly remains unsatisfied with their relationship. I can see why–how awful would it be to have a husband who provides you with a fabulous lifestyle, unlimited money to do whatever you want and loves you for who you are? Poor Kelly. She identifies with Shannon, since they both have problematic marriages.
Over to Shannon’s house, where we are treated to scenes from an actual problematic marriage. Shannon describes the low calorie meal she is cooking, but David is skeptical when she says she’s using buttermilk. He might as well just say that she’ll never lose the weight, because it’s obvious that’s what he’s thinking. Shannon makes a desperate bid for David’s approval by telling him “lots of people” say buttermilk is the healthiest dairy product out there, but David is already checked out of the conversation. He just stares at her as he shoves chips into his mouth, silently rebuking her for preparing buttermilk chicken for dinner.
At the tension-filled table, Shannon announces she is about to realize her dream of opening a restaurant. I wonder if it will be in the same strip mall as Heather’s
nonexistent restaurant? David is unenthusiastic and reminds her that the business will need to make a profit in order to sustain itself. Shannon is hurt by his dream-killing statement and accuses him of not having faith in her. He avoids meeting her eyes as he mumbles that he has “tons” of faith in her. Not the most convincing endorsement. Shannon stares at David with the pleading expression of a pound puppy as he ignores her and their daughters squirm. Another fun-filled family meal at the Beador house!
Tamra and her mother talk about how they have difficulty communicating. Tamra and her mother TALK about how they have difficulty COMMUNICATING. I’m so over Tamra’s faux-angsty storylines and I couldn’t care less whether or not she and her mother communicate well with each other, so…
…off to Lydia’s magazine party. Kelly arrives, followed by Meghan, Shannon and Tamra. Kelly is wearing a doily. Jim has actually accompanied Meghan to an event! I hope he says something snarky. Vicki walks in and Shannon and Tamra tense up. Does anyone besides Lydia care if these three people ever speak to each other again? We all know they will, because they have to screech and maraud their way through Iceland on the annual cast trip where they shame Americans the world over with their woefully unsophisticated and obnoxious behavior.
Peggy and her husband admire an enlarged photo of themselves, dubbing it “classy and chic,” just like them. Um, okay. Because nothing says classy and chic like a bright yellow Lamborghini with flashy custom wheels. Anyone who refers to themselves as classy and chic is neither classy nor chic. Maybe Peggy’s limited understanding of English caused her to misuse these words.
Meghan and Tamra speculate about Peggy’s reasons for getting a double mastectomy, and I really can’t think of a more tasteless topic of discussion for a cocktail party.
Is this entire party going to be about Lydia talking to Vicki about making up with Tamra, then talking to Tamra about making up with Vicki? If that’s the case, not even the hors d’oeuvres can make it interesting. Apparently they can for Shannon, though, because all she is talking about is the sea bass and how hungry she is. Are the editors intentionally including every piece of footage they have in which Shannon mentions food or hunger? That’s harsh, Tai, but also smart, since the finger foods have been the only interesting guests at any party so far this season.
Lydia has managed to get Vicki to agree to meet Tamra for lunch, and while she’s trying to convince Tamra to do the same, Shannon and Peggy insinuate themselves into the conversation. Tamra explains what she and Lydia are talking about and Peggy is defensive and dismissive at the same time. She is defensive when Tamra says she is hesitant to meet with Vicki and dismissive of her reasons why. Peggy tells Tamra feuding with Vicki is not worth it, and that Tamra is dwelling on her issues with Vicki. Or, as Peggy would say if she were playing the charming-Armenian-with-broken-English role this evening, Tamra is “opening the worm up.” But she’s not playing that role, because although she is Armenian, she’s not very charming and she forgot to pretend that her English is broken.
Tamra is offended and thinks Peggy has some nerve telling her to let it go. She warns Peggy that Vicki will do to her what she’s done to everyone else, then leaves with Shannon. Tamra trashes Peggy to Shannon on the way home, and they are both incredulous that Peggy, a cancer survivor, would defend a woman who lied about cancer. They have a point.
Next week: Shannon is confused when Peggy tells her she tested negative for the BRCA gene but opted for a double mastectomy anyway; Lydia and Tamra run a race; Tamra tells Peggy she has resting bitch face; Kelly, Shannon and Meghan go out for St. Patrick’s Day and talk about–what else?–Vicki. (Shannon is wearing the same sequined shirt she wore last year in Ireland, which is a shame, because it wasn’t flattering then and it’s not flattering now).