Jorge and Anfisa

Jorge and Anfisa continue to talk about getting a post-nuptial agreement, which makes Jorge think of divorce. Nothing gets by Jorge! They meet with two attorneys to hash out the terms of the post-nup, and it doesn’t go well. In addition to Anfisa’s demand that she be held harmless in terms of Jorge’s debt, he wants to include some protections for himself. He would like the post-nup to provide that if the marriage lasts five years, Anfisa will get half of his assets; if it lasts less than five years, she gets nothing. How do you think that goes over with Anfisa? She gives a Jorge an unequivocal “no,” and this raises a red flag for Jorge. Ya think? God, he’s dense!

The attorneys attempt to mediate, but clearly they’ve never met Anfisa before. She shuts them down immediately by stating that the only term she wants included in the post-nup is the one pertaining to Jorge’s debt, and she won’t agree to anything else. She thinks she deserves everything, no matter how long they’re married, and that’s that. These attorneys know a lost cause when they see one, and retreat to give Jorge and Anfisa some time alone. Anfisa relents a little bit–she will to agree to another term after all–that term being that Jorge will buy her a $100,000 ring. Jorge balks at this, and Anfisa punches him before walking out. These two crazy kids!

Anfisa doesn’t regret punching Jorge because she feels he deserved it–he thinks it was immature and childish of her, and he realizes that there are bigger problems in the marriage than he thought. What exactly was Jorge’s perception of the marriage before this meeting? What does it take for this person to understand that Anfisa not only doesn’t give two shits about him, but in fact, kind of hates him? As this doomed couple leaves her office, one of the attorneys exhibits her mastery of the understatement by saying she didn’t see a connection between Jorge and Anfisa.

Jorge and Anfisa discuss the meeting in the car. Jorge is upset because Anfisa said she’s not sure she wants to stay married to him for five years. Anfisa says that’s because she doesn’t trust him, and he completely misses her point by saying she doesn’t have to worry because he doesn’t want to divorce her. Anfisa says she doesn’t want to divorce him either–that the reason she wants a post-nup is to protect her from his debt and that’s it. He says that raises flags for him, and Anfisa, in the most profound and truthful statement ever uttered on a reality show, says, “What about when I was telling you I was dating you for the money? That was not a red flag back then?” It wasn’t, because he thought she was joking. How could anyone, at any time, ever think Anfisa is joking about anything? Aside from being almost completely humorless, Anfisa is the most straightforward person you could ever meet.

Jorge has slipped out of the apartment to meet with the lawyers by himself. In order to make his escape, Jorge told Anfisa he was going to get something out of the car and be right back. When he doesn’t return right away, Anfisa calls him over and over again, whining for him to come back before collapsing into an epic meltdown and full-on SCREAMING fit. If I were Jorge I would be afraid to sleep anywhere near Anfisa. I hope they don’t have any knives in their apartment. In the face of Anfisa’s maniacal rage, Jorge abandons his plans to meet with the attorneys on the sly, and meekly acquiesces to her demand to return home.

Russ and Paola, the world’s most mis-matched couple

Pao has been in Miami for over a month, and her “agent” has suggested that she go out with a couple of other “models” to meet people and hopefully get some work. While she and her coterie of fellow skanks are at the club, Russ is trying to unload his house in a bad market and discussing his marital woes with a friend. The disaster that is Russ and Pao’s marriage is written all over the friend’s face, and he stops just short of saying that Russ should cut his losses and move on. Russ Facetimes Pao to tell her he’s coming to Miami, and Pao tells him he’s going to need to be open-minded. Good luck with that. Russ says he’ll give it a chance, but if he doesn’t like it and can’t find a job then they’re going back to Oklahoma. One of them is, anyway.

Pao tries to get in touch with her “agent,” and–surprise, surprise–says that she hasn’t been able to reach her and hasn’t received any work though her. Pao hopes Russ won’t be upset that she has not earned any money “modeling” yet. I kind of feel sorry for Pao–did she really think that this so-called modeling agency was legit? If so, that’s sad. Russ arrives in Miami after driving for 24 hours, and Pao has rented them a hotel room to celebrate. Since Russ will probably pissed that she’s spending money they don’t have, she prepares to soothe him with sex. After all, that was what their relationship was about in Colombia, so she thinks they can get back to that place. Um, of course that was what their relationship was about in Colombia-that’s ALL it was about. This show does a great job of showing how completely and totally some men think exclusively with their dicks. It should be shown in middle school sex education classes across America to show our youth the pitfalls of making life decisions with your genitals.

Danielle and Mohamed

I know the spectacle of Mohamed and Danielle’s sham of a marriage has been a focal point for the last couple of seasons, culminating in their base and disgusting display at last season’s reunion. But it’s the same old-same old and their story is stale. I don’t care if Danielle files for a divorce or an annulment, I don’t care if her family makes peace with Mohamed, and I don’t care whether he gets deported or stays in the US. I’ve gotten my fill of this train wreck, and it’s time to move on.

Loren and Alexei

Loren misses her life in New York and her best friend Sarah, so she’s planning to meet up with Sarah in NYC. Alexei is unhappy about it because he’s still holding a grudge against Sarah for luring Loren to a male strip club during her bachelorette party. This episode is all about the deep dark secret Loren is keeping from Alexei, and the suspense is not killing me.

Loren arrives in New York, thrilled to be back in the city. She hasn’t seen Sarah in a year and a half so they have some catching up to do, as well as some unfinished business to address. Sarah is unhappy because Loren has led Alexei to believe that she had no idea they were going to a strip club for her bachelorette party, and that Sarah sprung it on her, thus incurring Alexei’s enduring wrath and exclusion from the Israel wedding. The truth–here it is, folks–the deep dark secret!–is it was really Loren who requested the strippers! She was so upset that Alexei had strippers at his bachelor party in Israel that she was determined to pay him back for it. How fucking juvenile. This girl is a quisling.

Loren admits that she has to come clean with Alexei and in doing so absolve Sarah of the blame for male stripper-gate. This satisfies Sarah and, friendship repaired, she and Loren embark on a weekend of partying in the big city. As Loren is talking with Alexei at the club one night, Sarah grabs the phone and tells Alexei she hopes things are copacetic and that she will be able to visit them in Florida. After Sarah clarifies the meaning of copacetic, Alexei assures her he doesn’t feel that way and that she is not welcome in their home. Dunh dunh DUNH!

Loren prepares to leave for Florida, lamenting that she’s not ready to leave New York. She is worried about how Alexei will react when she tells him the truth about the strippers. She should be. Anticipating her arrival, Alexei is straightening up their apartment and preparing dinner. He and Loren sit down to eat, and upon seeing that Alexei is still not open to the subject of Sarah (this is a surprise?), Loren chickens out and decides this is not the time to tell him about the bachelorette party.

A day or so later, Loren is sitting on the couch in their apartment and stewing, knowing she has to break down and tell Alexei the truth. She sits him down and tells him that she was the one who initiated the strippers, and then begins to obfuscate and justify herself by whining that she did it because she was so upset about the strippers at his bachelor party, and she didn’t tell him because she was so angry at the time she forgot having requested the strippers. Alexei calls her on this bullshit and puts his finger on the real problem here–not that she had strippers at her bachelorette party, but that she lied to his face about it for over a year. He also points out that he didn’t request or expect strippers at his bachelor party–his friends hired them. Unlike Loren, who went to the strip club out of spite, just to hurt him. She whines and cries until Alexei caves and says it’s time to be a husband and comfort her. I wonder what it’s like to be married to someone with the emotional maturity of a tween?

Chantal and Pedro

Chantal hasn’t seen much of her family since she married Pedro, so the two of them are meeting her parents, sister, and obstinate brother River for dinner. Chantal’s parents seem awesome, but her mom needs to lose the hats. Chantal asks her family if they will attend her and Pedro’s upcoming wedding in the Dominican Republic but, still smarting about Pedro’s mom’s comments about “stupid Americans,” they hesitate to accept the invitation. They wonder if they will be welcomed by Pedro’s family, especially since, as Chantal’s mom points out, his mother and sister knew about Chantal and Pedro’s engagement all along and never bothered to reach out to Chantal’s family. Unlike Pedro’s family, stupid Americans usually extend some common courtesy to their future in-laws.

Chantal’s parents and sister finally agree to come, but River is still distrustful of Pedro and doesn’t want to go. Chantal decides River and Pedro need to get to know each other and forces them to play basketball together. Pedro is unenthused, not only because he thinks River is a dick, but because he barely knows how to play basketball. He’s from the DR–his game is baseball (shout out to the Indians’ Danny Salazar and Jose Ramirez!). He bows to Chantal’s wishes, however, and he and River snipe at each other the entire time.

Back in their apartment, Pedro complains to Chantal about River’s behavior, but Chantal thinks that Pedro needs to try harder to win over her little brother. Poor, browbeaten Pedro throws up his hands in resignation and agrees.