90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 12 Recap: #whatdoesAnfisado?

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Finally–the last installment of a 3-part “Tell All” that could (and should) have been dispatched with in an hour.

The first issue is trust. What happens when spouses’ families don’t trust each other? Pedro and Chantel, you’re up. Pedro’s despicable mother and sister are featured in the flashback montage of Pedro and Chantel’s disastrous trip to the Dominican Republic. My first question is, if Pedro’s mother is a lawyer, how does she not have a laptop? It goes unanswered, because Shaun Robinson’s first question is why Pedro thinks he’s responsible for his mother and sister. Shaun Robinson sucks. Pedro gives the same answer he’s given all season long to justify his outrageous generosity with regard to his family–it’s his culture, his mother gave him life, blah, blah, blah. We know.

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Paola sees an opportunity for screen time and jumps in to say she spoils her family in Colombia, and if Russ doesn’t like it, he can lump it. This really has nothing to do with you Paola, so please shut up. Chantel starts to explain that Pedro is sending even more money back to his family now, and they live in an even bigger apartment. Paola says the cost of living is cheaper in shitholes  places like the DR and wherever Paola is from in Colombia, but Chantel shuts her down, snapping, “I’m not even done.” I like it when Chantel gets on her high horse. She can take a lot, but when she’s had it, she’s very good at turning up the bitchiness and putting insufferable famewhores like Paola and Pedro’s sister in their places.

Chantel continues by saying that she’s asked Pedro to take her out to one nice dinner per month, but he hasn’t bothered to do it since he’s sending every penny he makes back to his shiftless, entitled mother. Paola does a 180 at this news and lets everyone know that she wouldn’t put up with that for a minute. God, she’s obnoxious. But in this instance, she’s 100% right to agree with Chantel. There is no excuse for Pedro to expect Chantel to indulge everything about his culture while he completely ignores hers.

Shaun Robinson points out that Pedro’s mother and sister said some “not very nice” things about Chantel. Not very nice? Girl, grow a pair. They were hideous to her. If this host is not going to dig into the few juicy bits of good drama on this show, what is she doing there? She must have gone to the Andy Cohen school of interviewing–only sycophants and soft-ballers need apply. Chantel is still upset that Pedro didn’t defend her to his mother and sister, as well she should be.

Speaking of horrible people, it’s time to talk about Paola’s loathsome friend Juan. Russ is clearly angered by the montage showing all the abominable things Juan said to and about him, while Paola is practically doubled over with laughter. The bottom line is that Paola knows Russ is deeply frustrated over her relationship with Juan–she just doesn’t care. She’s not going to defend Russ to Juan because Russ is a grown man and can defend himself. Russ protests, but everyone knows that in the end he’ll just sit there and take it. Mohamed, Alexei and Pedro all shake their heads at the spineless cuckold Russ’ awful marriage has turned him into.

Pedro and Paola’s friends and relatives are sources of tension, to say the least, but Alexei’s mom is awesome. Loren and Alexei rehash the disappointment of his family’s decision not to immigrate to the US, but they’re still trying to figure out a way to make it happen.

Shaun Robinson asks Pedro if his mother would ever immigrate to the US, and his response is the most laughable thing I’ve ever heard. His mother can’t come to the US because she wouldn’t be able to work here. Hahahahahahaha! She doesn’t work in the DR! The LAST reason she would have for not moving somewhere is that she would be precluded from working. That woman has done an exemplary job of manipulating her son’s perception of her. Wow.

Why are Danielle and Mohamed talking? There have absolutely nothing left to say.

Jorge is angry with Anfisa because she cheated on him. She denies it, and even though Jorge insists it’s true, he won’t say why he believes it. He just keeps saying Anfisa is lying and she keeps saying she’s not. This is already going nowhere. Anfisa and Jorge are given center stage anyway, while the other couples are relegated to the back room. We revisit scenes showing Jorge and Anfisa’s volatile relationship, and find out that Jorge thinks things went south between them after he got her a boob job. This innocuous revelation stuns consummate television host Shaun Robinson into silence, and her eyes flit around the room as she tries to think of a follow-up question. With this level of ineptitude, I don’t even think she could get into the Andy Cohen school of interviewing.

Jorge and Anfisa engage in roughly twelve minutes of back-and-forth without revealing anything. There are more cheating accusations and more denials. Jorge refuses to reveal what Anfisa does for a living, even though he brought it up. He hints that she’s somehow involved in the sex industry by asking Shaun Robinson what she would think Anfisa’s profession was if she saw her on the street. Shaun Robinson disingenuously responds that she could think Anfisa was a teacher. Um, I doubt that would be anyone’s first guess. Everyone should just quit beating around the bush and reference this report that came out in June.

Everyone returns to the stage and spends the final few minutes of the show agreeing that Jorge and Anfisa are telling two different stories and someone is lying. What a waste of airtime. Danielle actually gives some good advice by warning Anfisa that people are going to find out anyway, so she might as well get ahead of it by giving her version of the story. Danielle should know!

Having accomplished nothing in the three hours comprising this “Tell All,” the producers follow the couples as they leave the set, hoping to capture some drama. Danielle tries to corner Mohamed because he hasn’t given her money for her attorney’s fees, but Mohamed just wants to disappear and never see Danielle again. Alexei is irritated with Loren because she spent way too much energy probing Mohamed, Jorge and Anfisa. Why can’t everyone be like Alexei? Jorge and Anfisa return to their hotel room together and have another conversation during which Jorge reveals nothing and Anfisa admits to nothing.

A week later, Danielle has contacted the producers to let them know she is going to sue Mohamed. Danielle will do absolutely anything to stay in Mohamed’s life. Give it up, already! It looks like Mohamed made good on his threat to disappear, because his phone is disconnected and neither Danielle nor the producers have heard from him since the “Tell All” was taped. And please, for the Love of God, let that be the end of Danielle and Mohamed.

90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 11: The Couples Tell All (of the same things they told last week)

They are actually going to drag this thing out for three installments. Let’s see if anything new is revealed this episode.

It’s not looking good so far as the first scene is a repeat of last week’s final scene. Pao is pissed that Russ is not backing her up about the lingerie/video thing so she walks off stage, wondering why she is even married “with” him. He follows her, and the argument continues. Not only are they fighting about the same thing they fought about this entire season, they’re fighting about what they fought about at the last reunion–so it’s a rehash times two. Pao is upset that he said she did things behind his back, when all season long she did things behind his back. She is actually saying that she did not make the choice to wear the lingerie for the video. Did the producer hold her captive and force her to wear it? If she didn’t make the decision, who did? And why is Russ letting her get away with this argument? For a rigid control freak, he sure is a pussy.

Now the host wants to focus on Danielle and Mohamed, so they are the only couple on the set. Oh look–a flashback to last year. There is absolutely nothing Danielle and Mohamed can say or do that they haven’t already said or done a thousand times, so I’m not even going to bother to recap this segment. The real action is backstage, anyway, where Loren is ranting (again) that Danielle and Mohamed and Jorge and Anfisa have made a mockery of the K-1 Visa process on national TV, and she is embarrassed to be associated with them. Hey Loren–if you don’t want to be associated with them, don’t agree to be on a show with them.

The minute Loren brings her into it, Anfisa leaves the room. This gives mean girls Pao and Loren the chance to gang up on Jorge. Loren tells Jorge there is no way Anfisa fell in love with him and was just using him for his money; Pao asks him if Anfisa was a mail-order bride and tells him he could have done better because she’s not that pretty. Loren says she can’t even tell what she looks like because all she can see is Botox. How bitchy. They are both ten years older than Anfisa and should know better to engage in this kind of petty attack behind her back. Loren and Pao’s catty barbs are clearly making Chantel uncomfortable, and to her credit she doesn’t join them in raking Jorge and Anfisa over the coals. Loren ends the conversation with a classic bitch move–telling Jorge she wishes him well after she’s just spent ten minutes tearing him down. How did poor little Tourette’s syndrome Loren learn to sharpen her claws when such an embarrassing affliction certainly would have precluded her from being in the popular clique in middle school? Unless it didn’t, because it wasn’t as bad as she’d like us to believe, and she was able to hone her bitchiness throughout her high school years, finally mastering her craft in one of America’s premier passive-aggressive bitchery laboratories, the sorority house.

Everyone is back on set, and Alexei feels bad for Jorge after Pao and Loren Regina George’d him. In the words of my sister, “Poor Alex. This is so beneath him.” The host turns the conversation back to Russ and Pao, saying she was surprised they’re still so sensitive to the lingerie issue, since they’ve already discussed it ad nauseum. Jorge tells Russ if he trusts Pao he shouldn’t have a problem with it, then Russ abandons every principle he’s ever purported to have. He says Pao looked classy and beautiful and he would never change anything about her. Russ must really need to get laid.

The host asks Loren what kind of friendly advice she would give Danielle and Mohamed, and Loren uses the opportunity to pontificate yet again about their abuse of the K-1 Visa process.

Now it’s time to talk about Jorge and Anfisa’s ill-fated dinner with Jorge’s sister Lourdes, where Lourdes told Jorge that Anfisa only “spreads her legs” for him when he has money. Yes, her statement was crude, but it’s ridiculous for the host to clutch her pearls and refuse to repeat it. This is the woman who sat by last year, salivating while Mohamed discussed Danielle’s sexual problems. Don’t act like this is some kind of refined forum, Shaun Robinson (whoever you are).

As we already know, Anfisa was upset that Jorge didn’t defend her to Lourdes. Anfisa didn’t feel welcome around Jorge’s family, so, tyrant that she is, wouldn’t allow Jorge to see them. Loren chalks up Anfisa’s attitude to her cultural background, stating that Russians are cold. That’s nice, considering her husband is Russian. Anfisa, being Anfisa, is fine with being characterized as cold. She sits there stone-faced as Loren explains that Russians are more reserved than, say, spicy Latinas like Pao. Pao grabs the spotlight while she has the chance and shimmies all over her seat.

The host asks Chantel about the voodoo chicken feet. Everyone agrees it was rude for Pedro’s mother to serve chicken feet to Chantel’s family when his mother never eats them herself. Pao asks Chantel if she thinks Pedro’s mother likes her. Chantel thinks she does, but isn’t sure how she feels about the Family Chantel. She reiterates that Pedro’s family is still upset Chantel’s parents made him sign a pre-nup (Jesus, people, let it GO!), then Pedro drops the bombshell that his mother is a lawyer. Pedro’s mother is a lawyer? I find that incredibly difficult to believe.  Unless “lawyer” means “nail tech” in Spanish.

Back to Jorge and Anfisa, and Anfisa’s revelation that Jorge was her “first man.” No one believes it, and Anfisa doesn’t care. Jorge believed it at first because he didn’t find any sexual dirt on her during his “vetting” process. I have to laugh thinking about what Jorge’s vetting process could have possibly entailed other than trolling her social media and checking to see if she had a Suicide Girls profile.

Jorge has learned not to trust everything Anfisa says, but the host points out that Anfisa has been honest with him about her gold digging from Day 1. Jorge never told her he was a millionaire, but he admits that he flashed money in her face. Pao interrupts to ask a burning question. She has read there are gold digging academies in Russia and wonders if Anfisa went to one (and if their program is better than the Colombian gold digging academy Pao attended). Pao is really showing what a bitch she is this episode. No wonder Juan is her best friend. Anfisa just laughs in her face and says that, sure, she’ll say she went there, if that’s what everyone wants to hear. Anfisa has just done a superb job of making Pao look like an idiot, and I applaud her for it. Alexei has read my mind and tells Pao that he’s sure there are gold digging classes in Colombia, too.

Jorge was not put off by Anfisa’s blatant materialism because he thinks all girls are “about the money.” I just noticed that Russ looks exactly like Hermey, the elf who wants to be a dentist, from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The host wonders why Jorge seems so angry. It’s because he gave Anfisa trust and she stabbed him in the back. Anfisa reminds him that she hasn’t said anything bad about him today; Jorge replies that’s because she’s afraid of what he’ll say about her.

And that’s the end. I guess we have to wait until next week to hear Jorge accuse Anfisa of whatever terrible thing TLC has been teasing. Knowing this show, it will be utterly anticlimactic.



90 Day Fiance HEA Recap: The Couples Tell All

In true 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After fashion the first ten minutes of the tell all special are wasted with flashbacks we’ve seen a hundred times before and fake drama. The producers clutch their pearls because they can’t contact Jorge and Anfisa. Will they show? Of course they will, because TLC has already shown promos for the episode that include clips of Jorge and Anfisa. Mohamed’s not on set–oh no, will he show? Of course he will, because TLC has already shown promos for the episode that include clips of Mohamed. How stupid does TLC think its audience is?

The host, whoever she is, is awful. She starts things off by asking Jorge about the status of his and Anfisa’s relationship. After a dramatic producer-inserted pause, he says that it’s over. We already knew that, and this is what bugs me so much about this show. The host asks a question, a pause is edited in so we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats waiting to hear the response, and when it comes it’s something we already know from the previous episode. When will TLC figure out that this type of ham-handed manipulation doesn’t create anticipation, it insults the viewers?

Anyway, the host points out that Jorge and Anfisa are staying in the same hotel room (which we know, because we just saw it a couple of minutes ago, so–redundant) and asks why, since they’re no longer together. Jorge responds that he had to pretend that things were fine between them in order to trick Anfisa into participating. The host pretends not to understand what he’s saying, so Anfisa breaks it down: Jorge knew that if Anfisa suspected he was going to call her out during the tell all special she wouldn’t have come, so he acted like everything was fine between them. It’s not that difficult. If Anfisa, who is not a native English speaker, can figure out what Jorge is saying, why can’t this host? I assume she’s some sort of communications professional since she’s hosting this reunion, but so far she’s not very adept at communicating.

She asks Anfisa if she thought the relationship with Jorge was improving. Why would she ask that when Jorge just said the relationship is over? Anfisa doesn’t know about that, she just thinks Jorge likes to play the victim. She might not be the nicest person, but at least she’s been honest about her intentions from the beginning. Amen to that, Anfisa! She feels that Jorge knew what to expect from her, but when she got to the US she discovered that Jorge was not who he was pretending to be. Loren is screwing her face into all kinds of wtf expressions as Anfisa talks, so I assume she’s waiting for an opportunity to lay into her. I don’t know why, because love Anfisa or hate her, she has never once misrepresented herself or tried to downplay her psychotic tendencies. Which is why she makes great TV.

Jorge is either getting a divorce or an annulment, but he hasn’t begun the process for either. The host asks what the basis for an annulment would be, and he says, “a sham marriage.” Instead of pursuing this line of questioning with Jorge, she cuts him off and turns to Danielle. Incredibly, she asks Danielle why she wanted to get her marriage to Mohamed annulled instead of divorcing him. Um, hello? DANIELLE EXPLAINED THIS VERY THING ON EVERY SINGLE EPISODE THIS SEASON. EVERY SINGLE EPISODE! WHY do we have to go over it AGAIN?

Hearing Jorge and Anfisa’s story makes Danielle sad. She thinks people don’t realize how much time, energy and money it takes for an American to bring someone over on a K-1 Visa. Jorge agrees. Mohamed hates it when Americans bring up how much they’ve done for “them,” meaning their foreign spouses, because he feels like the spouses are being objectified. He resents the attitude that coming to the US is a blessing. Well, isn’t it? Mohamed spent the entire season trying to avoid getting sent back to Tunisia.

Paola shuts him down by saying they all wanted to come to the US and experience the American dream. Alexei has empathy for Anfisa and Mohamed, but not much. He doesn’t think either of them came to the US for the right reasons, but Jorge and Danielle also had an agenda, so it is what it is. I love cool-headed, reasonable Alexei. What a contrast to Jorge, who displays ugly American arrogance when he says bringing Anfisa to the US was a blessing for her, because what did she have in Russia? Well–a home, a family, friends, a way of life. Nothing big.

Anfisa admits she is materialistic and that she thought Jorge was going to provide her with a certain lifestyle. Paola asks if she made that clear to Jorge. Yes Paola, I think Anfisa was being quite clear when she told Jorge she was with him because he could buy her things and would leave him if he became incapacitated and could no longer work. Loren asks Anfisa why she doesn’t get a job and Anfisa said Jorge told her he didn’t want his wife to work. Since we’ve seen Jorge talk to her about getting a job several times this season, as in, “when you get your green card you can get a job,” that wasn’t the best move.

Loren asks what Anfisa would do if she had a choice between Jorge and a wealthier man, and Anfisa answers that it would depend on how the wealthier man treats her. Loren calls her a bitch and a gold digger and says Jorge treated her like a princess. Except for the constant lying. Loren yells that Anfisa and Mohamed make the K-1 Visa process look like a joke, but Anfisa asks why she doesn’t blame the Americans? They’re the ones who initiate the process, after all.

Loren is angry that she and Alexei, who are legitimately in love, got denied for a K-1 Visa twice, and because when people like Mohamed and Anfisa abuse the process it makes it harder for real couples to be approved. They go to break and show some pointless behind the scenes footage wherein Loren tries to reason with Mohamed, followed by a montage of the high points of the couples’ marriages. Not surprisingly, the montage does not include any scenes of Danielle and Mohamed’s marriage.

Moving along, how did Pedro know Chantel was the one when he didn’t speak any English when they met? Chantel was learning Spanish at the time, and Pedro used a lot of hand gestures to express himself, so they got by. Paola says it doesn’t matter if there’s a language barrier–if two people have a connection, they know it. I strongly disagree. But I disagree with most things about Paola, so that’s no surprise.

The host randomly cuts off this conversation and asks Mohamed about his marriage to Danielle. He says he learned the hard way, but next time he’ll get to know a person before he gets too involved. Danielle thinks it’s sad that the other couples were willing to stick with each other through the bad times when Mohamed wasn’t. That’s because Danielle and Mohamed only had bad times. Can we be done with these two already? Paola asks why, if Danielle says she’s moved on, does she still stalk Mohamed on social media?

We don’t get an answer, because the host cuts off that conversation as well, and asks Mohamed how his and Danielle’s relationship came about. He explains that it built slowly during a time when he was living outside his country and very lonely, and he learned to appreciate talking to Danielle every night because she made him feel like someone cared about him.

Conversely, Jorge fell in love with Anfisa because of her looks. That is the one and only reason he can give for marrying this girl, so he deserves what he got. Anfisa liked that Jorge was nice and treated her well. She thinks he’s trying to save face after looking like a chump for two years, which is why he is now saying the marriage was a mistake. Jorge tells the host during a break that she only knows half the story, hinting that he has some explosive information to reveal about Anfisa. Like everything else on this show, it’s probably a buildup to nothing. Or something we’ve already seen a thousand times.

Now it’s time to rehash the Loren/Alexei Tourette’s storyline. Loren has Tourette’s. It’s hereditary. Alexei was upset when she told him. Now they’re fine. Except Loren is worried that her children will resent her if they have Tourette’s, because it will be “her fault.” Chantel totally gets it. She would never want to bring a life with some terrible disease into the world. Chantel needs to work on her delivery.

The host thinks it was “powerful” when Loren asked Alexei if it would be so bad if their children turned out like her. The host is a moron. That statement was not powerful. Manipulative, yes. Immature, yes. Bitter, yes. Powerful, no. Loren whines about how hard the preceding segment was for her as they go to break.

And it’s on to Russ and Paola and lingerie-gate. Russ makes snide comments as they show clips of Paola filming her video. There is nothing here we haven’t heard before. Russ feels it’s inappropriate for his wife to wear lingerie in front of other men. Paola doesn’t see anything wrong with it and didn’t want to jeopardize her video gig by refusing to wear it. Russ is oil. Paola is water. They have the same fight they had on the previous episode, the one before that, and the one before that, then Paola walks off the set, wondering why she is even married to Russ. Why indeed, Paola?



90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 9 Recap: Free at Last!

Pedro and Chantel

It’s the day of the wedding, and no one is excited about it. While Chantel is getting her makeup done, her friend GeGe asks how the conversation with Pedro’s mother and sister went. Chantel doesn’t want to give anyone a reason to have even more reservations about her marriage, so she downplays the low-rent puta fest it devolved into. The bottom line is that Chantel knows where she stands with Pedro since he refused to take her side even once against his mother and sister, yet she’s preparing to walk down the aisle anyway.

Pedro’s family visit him in his room before the wedding. The sister is wearing white. Does she know it’s considered a faux pas (at least to stupid Americans) to wear white to someone else’s wedding? Maybe this is another strange Dominican custom that the Family Chantel will have to accept, or maybe it’s just another way for the sister to get under Chantel’s skin. Given the sister’s odious behavior during this visit, it’s probably the latter. After all the drama they’ve caused between Chantel and Pedro, the mother and sister get choked up when they see him in his wedding finery, and it’s nice to see them behave as if they are more evolved than the common hyena for once.

Chantel’s mother, sister and best friend help her get into her wedding dress, and Chantel waxes enthusiastic about how she’s finally getting the wedding she wanted. Like many young girls (and Katie Maloney), Chantel wants this wedding primarily so she can get her hair done, wear a pretty dress and be princess for a day. It will turn out to be a waste of money when the issues she and Pedro have swept under the rug return to break them up in a few months. Chantel’s mother warns that if Pedro’s mother and sister cause drama today, she will, like any Mama Bear, protect her cub with her claws, teeth and life. Who’s being dramatic now?

The wedding is about to begin, and Chantel’s parents present Pedro’s grandmother with some flowers to apologize for their behavior at her house. She graciously accepts the gift, and it looks like the families may be able to get along despite all the drama. Pedro is still worried that Chantel won’t show, but of course she does. They exchange vows that address some of the issues they’ve been dealing with. Pedro tells her she comes first, and she tells him her life is better with him in it. A good time is had by all at the reception, and Pedro’s awful mother and sister even hug Chantel. Pedro and Chantel acknowledge that their families may not always get along, but need to accept that Pedro and Chantel have chosen to be together and love each other. The end.

Russ and Paola

Paola is finishing up her video shoot and yammering about how Russ is not going to be happy that she wore lingerie. We know–we’ve heard the same thing ad nauseum for at least three episodes now. We’ve heard it from Russ, we’ve heard it from Paola, we’ve heard it from the creatures in the forest. Paola prepares to call him and break the news, and when she does, guess what? Russ is not happy. Enough of this. Russ married a thirsty famewhore whose culture is the polar opposite of Russ’ uptight Midwestern upbringing. Either he accepts the fact that his wife is a thirsty famewhore and sucks it up, or he moves on. One of them needs to get off the treadmill, because they have become tedious.

Pao returns to Miami and explains how excited she is about her music video and that she wishes Russ could be proud of her. Instead, she is greeted by his cold disapproval. They have yet another futile argument about the boundaries Russ is trying to impose on Pao, but she is over it. She doesn’t feel like she’s doing anything wrong and she’s tired of Russ making her feel like she is. She loves him but doesn’t think she should have to change who she is to make her marriage work. Brava, Paola! Finally one of these two is admitting to themselves that they are horribly mismatched and might be happier if they go their separate ways. Which they will.

Danielle and Mohamed

Danielle and Mohamed FINALLY attend their annulment hearing. Danielle emerges from the courthouse crying, because she’s a pathetic sap who cannot muster a shred of dignity to save her life. The judge told her she is unlikely to prevail if she pushes for an annulment, so her attorney advised her to settle for a divorce. Danielle is upset because now it will be more difficult to get Mohamed deported, and she feels cheated that she wasn’t able to prove to the world that Mohamed used her for a green card. Danielle–trust me when I say that the world already knows.

Danielle decides she needs to give Mohamed a piece of her mind, one last time–again–and walks purposefully over to his car. She lets him have it by timidly suggesting they should meet before he flees to Miami. You go, girl!

Danielle gets upset once again when her friend Beth discovers that Mohamed announced the divorce on Facebook. She thinks he should have given her time to let her family know she opted for a divorce instead of an annulment so they wouldn’t have to find out on social media. Why would Danielle’s kids follow Mohamed on social media? They hate him. When Danielle breaks it to them, they’re fine with it–they are not fine, however, with Danielle’s plan to meet Mohamed later that day. How did a train wreck like Danielle raise such seemingly reasonable and mature young women? They must have spent a lot of time with their fathers.

There is one more Danielle/Mohamed scene to endure. Please let it be the last–their story is so over. Danielle wants to show Mohamed that she’s over him (as if), but ends up haranguing him over the same things she’s been haranguing him about for two years. Danielle just cannot get it together and I am beyond over it. Bye, Danielle. I hope you are never on my TV again.

Jorge and Anfisa

Jorge is going to meet Anfisa in hopes of getting back together. He is so worried about the potential volatility of the meeting that he plans to meet her in the parking garage next to their apartment building. What girl wouldn’t swoon over such a romantic gesture? Anfisa explains that Jorge needs to apologize for not standing up for her to his sister, but Jorge doesn’t get it. He apologizes, but when she asks him to be more specific, he says he’s apologizing for whatever caused them to fight. Anfisa’s had enough of his lying and his unwillingness to take responsibility for hurting her, so she’s done. You know it’s serious when she refuses to even open the gift he brought her.

Jorge is so blandly inarticulate, and Anfisa is so uncharacteristically calm, that I think this meeting was contrived by production to put a neat little pin in Jorge and Anfisa’s relationship. Whatever the circumstances, good riddance to a bad marriage, and good luck to Anfisa in her search for her next sugar daddy. Or pimp.

Next week: the reunion. I really hope Russ and Pao have gone their separate ways, but other than that, I don’t care. Jorge and Anfisa have split up like they should have, Loren and Alexei are happy, Chantel and Pedro had their wedding, so there shouldn’t be that much to reveal. And nobody needs to hear anything more about Danielle and Mohamed, ever again.

90 Day Fiance Ep. 8 Recap: Tourette’s, Turmoil and a Tart

Chantel and Pedro

The episode picks up where the last one left, right after the fight between Chantel and Pedro’s horrible mother and even more horrible sister. Chantel tells Pedro that his sister called her a bitch, and they go back into the resort to confront the mother and sister. They both deny that the sister called Chantel a bitch, and lie to Pedro by saying that Chantel called the sister a bitch first. Have I said that Pedro’s mother and sister are horrible people? Because they are. Chantel didn’t call the sister a bitch anyway–she called her a whore.

Chantel calls them out on their lies by asking the sister why, when Chantel asked her if she called her a bitch, she said yes. The sister plays innocent and whines to Pedro that Chantel asked her the question in English so she didn’t understand what she was saying. Pedro turns on Chantel and it’s three against one. Chantel realizes that out of the three most important women in Pedro’s life, she comes last. Dump this trifling Mama’s boy already, Chantel! When Chantel gets upset he tells his sister that if she apologizes, Chantel will apologize to her. The sister gives a snarky, patently insincere apology that Chantel doesn’t accept. Good girl!

Pedro’s mom tells Chantel that she knew about Pedro’s culture when she married him so she’d better suck it up or let him go. She also says she will never accept Chantel’s culture. I can’t say it enough–Pedro’s mother is awful. Chantel has had enough of this pointless argument and walks away from it. Pedro follows her and they argue about whether their wedding, which is scheduled for the next day, is going to happen. Each wants the other to make the decision, which indicates to me that neither of them want to go through with it but neither of them wants to be the bad guy. Finally Pedro tells her that if she doesn’t want to get married, she shouldn’t show up at the wedding. But he’ll be there waiting for her.

Chantel is still upset that Pedro wouldn’t take her side against his mother and sister. He brings her into a room and prevents the cameras from following, but since they are mic’d we can hear them having the same argument they’ve been having for the last three episodes. Pedro urges her to forget about their families and concentrate on each other, but Chantel isn’t sure what she wants to do.

Danielle and Mohamed

It is finally the day of the annulment hearing and Danielle is getting ready for court. She hopes she’s gathered enough evidence to convince the judge that Mohamed married her for a green card. The only evidence Danielle needs to bring is herself. I mean, duh. Mohamed is also getting ready for the hearing and repeats what he’s said every episode this season: he’s worried the judge will grant Danielle’s request and he’ll get deported. We know. Just get on with it already.

Mohamed decides to film himself on the way to the courthouse…for protection. Huh? Danielle’s stalwart friend Beth is driving her to court and they talk–again–about what might happen at the hearing. Good God, how long can TLC draw out this annulment story? Danielle and Mohamed have indisputably jumped the shark.

Russ and Paola

Pao arrives in New Jersey to shoot her music video. She meets with the producer and wardrobe stylist and assures them she is comfortable being sexy. She has brought a selection of whorish outfits from her personal collection but they are not whorish enough for the producer. He’s got other ideas and tells Pao to keep an open mind when she shows up to shoot the video the next day.

Pao is on her way to the video shoot, and oh my God, her outfit. Silky gym short-shorts with a a fuzzy long-sleeved cropped sweater. Just when you think she couldn’t possibly get any tackier! Where do you even buy this kind of clothing?

Pao flirts with one of the band members while she’s getting her makeup done, then heads over to wardrobe. Gasp–it’s lingerie. We all know Russ’ hard line on lingerie and I guess we’re supposed to feel anxious about what Pao will do. Please. As if there is even a question. Pao rationalizes that if she refuses to wear the lingerie, she’ll have difficulty getting objectified cast in future third-rate music videos. She pretends to be conflicted, but heads to the set (which is basically a bed) in the forbidden garment, which we all knew she would.

She discusses her dilemma with the band member with whom she previously flirted and he pretends to be interested. Does Pao not know that girls like her are a dime a dozen and easily interchangeable? Or that she didn’t get this gig because these gentlemen want to hear her speak? Of course she doesn’t–she still thinks her Miami “agent” is running a modeling service.

Pao wishes Russ could see how professional this video shoot is, which is marginally more professional than her photo shoots have been. It still doesn’t rate an actual studio, but a motel is an upgrade from some booty photographer’s front yard, right?

Loren and Alexei

Loren is in Washington, DC to deliver her speech at the Tourette’s Society function. We rehash Alexei’s less-than-enthusiastic reaction to her announcement that Tourette’s is hereditary. How many times do we need to hear the same things over and over again on this show?!

Loren attends a meet-and-greet the night before she is scheduled to give her speech. The organizers are happy that Loren, as a successful adult living with Tourette’s, can be an inspiration to the kids and teens who are in attendance. She meets a mature and confident young lady whose comfort in her own skin impresses Loren. She wishes Alexei could be there to see how well these families are coping with Tourette’s.

Loren is proud to be sharing her Tourette’s journey, but sad that Alexei isn’t there to support her. Except that he is. Alexei really is a very thoughtful and supportive husband, and it’s actually sweet to see how happy Loren is that he’s come to DC. Loren gives a heartfelt speech as Alexei smiles with pride in the audience. Good for Loren–it looks like she’s finally ready to begin adulting.

Next week: Russ loses trust in Pao, Danielle yells at Mohamed, Jorge and Anfisa meet, and Pedro and Chantel may or may not go through with their wedding.

90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 7 Recap: “Models” and Melees

Chantel and Pedro

Pedro returns from his unproductive meeting with Chantel’s father and brother. Chantel is disappointed to hear it did not go well. How can she be surprised?

Chantel and Pedro are checking into the resort where their wedding is supposed to be held. Chantel awkwardly greets her family while Pedro ignores them. Somebody is walking around the lobby of this “resort” in a bikini.

The happy couple meets with their wedding planner. Chantel is worried about the seating arrangement since she and Pedro’s families hate each other. I can’t believe this wedding is actually going to happen after everything that’s gone on since they arrived in the DR.

Chantel plans to sit down with Pedro’s mother and sister in attempt to repair their relationship. Pedro sabotages the meeting before it begins by telling them that Chantel’s father told him Chantel is better off without him.

Chantel begins by apologizing for her family’s behavior, but Mother and Sister Pedro are unreceptive. She then tries to justify her family’s actions by explaining that they think Mother Pedro encouraged Pedro to marry an American woman. Not the best move. Mother and Sister Pedro guffaw and call the Family Chantel stupid. Chantel changes the subject and begins complaining about how Pedro needs to treat her better and stop sending the mother and sister so many gifts. Again, not the best move.

The sister is one rude, aggressive, entitled little chica. She leans into Chantel’s face and tells her she’s tired of hearing her complain about the same things over and over again. Then she calls her a fucking bitch. Chantel retorts that she’s a fucking whore and walks away as the mother and sister laugh. God, they are awful!

Instead of nickel-and-diming Pedro with requests for hair straighteners and toiletries, Pedro’s sister needs to ask for the only thing that’s going to make her look better–a chin implant. I heard they’re cheap in the DR, just like the rent.

Jorge and Anfisa

Anfisa meets her friend Miranda to lounge by the pool. This is the lifestyle she envisioned when she came to America. Anfisa and Miranda discuss Anfisa’s recent facial enhancements, Jorge’s attempts to get in touch with her and Anfisa’s feelings for Jorge. This is a very one-sided friendship. Miranda inquires about the quality of Jorge and Anfisa’s sex life, and Anfisa admits that she is attached to Jorge because he was her first.

Jorge meets his friend to shop for a gift for Anfisa. He misses her intensely and wants to patch things up. He’s such a sap. And at the same time, a cheapskate. He explains that Anfisa likes really expensive and nice things, yet the gift he selects to win her back is a $300 piece of costume jewelry. I can just imagine the look on Anfisa’s face when she opens it.

Danielle and Mohamed

Tomorrow is the annulment hearing. Finally. I’m sick of watching Danielle talk about the hearing. I’m sick of watching Mohamed talk about the hearing. I just want the hearing to happen already. Mohamed’s friend Tom fills him on his meeting with Danielle. We really don’t need to hear about Tom and Danielle’s conversation because we just saw the whole thing last week. Mohamed loves living in the US but Tom warns him that the reality of the situation is that he may very well get deported.

Danielle leaves Mohamed a message warning him not to start drama at tomorrow’s annulment hearing. Between these two, has Mohamed ever been the one to start drama?

Russ and Paola

Pao is happy that Russ has a job because now he will be too busy to check up on her. She has gotten an offer to be the lead model in a music video for a group that contacted her through social media. Not through her agent–through social media. Think about that. Russ is leery of the opportunity because he has seen this group’s videos and they are too risque for his taste. He wants his wife to look classy. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Pao has never looked classy a day in her life! She doesn’t even know what it means to look classy. Her aesthetic is pure Miami streetwalker. He hasn’t realized that yet?! He should have, it’s why he married her.

Russ lays down his rules for the video shoot: no lingerie and a good paycheck. Of course this means there will be lingerie and at best an average paycheck. It’s hilarious that he has a problem with lingerie but is okay with the tawdry ensembles she wore in her recent photo shoot.

Pao’s agent has invited her to a “networking event.” Pao is keeping it classy by wearing a skin-tight midriff-baring white dress through which her vagina is outlined. The agent assures Pao that everyone who walks in the door is either a millionaire or a billionaire, and they are all producers or directors. They are all also middle-aged men. This is a networking event all right, but it’s not for modeling. The agent says it’s important to have “girl time” with the other models. This is known as “isolating.” During this girl time, another model tells Pao how much money she can make and how glamorous the modeling world is. This is known as “normalizing.” Poor Pao doesn’t think it’s fishy that the other models are only kind of attractive, or that her agent has failed to get her a single job but now wants her to mingle with a room full of greasy-looking older men. Those stars in her eyes are blinding her.

90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 6 Recap: Disaster in the DR

Chantel and Pedro

Chantel hasn’t spoken to Pedro since the fight at his grandmother’s house the previous evening. That’s because he’s too busy listening to his mother and sister trash talk his wife and her family. The Family Chantel behaved rudely, especially since Pedro’s grandmother went to the trouble of preparing a big meal for them, but it’s hard to sympathize with his mother and sister because they’re just so awful. And wow, does that sister have a chip on her shoulder! She needs to shut up and grow up.

Pedro is heading back to the hotel so he and Chantel can talk. It doesn’t go well. Chantel agrees with her family, who were “shocked” to see Pedro’s family’s humble origins given that his mother and sister now live high on the hog with the money Pedro sends them. God, they’re snobs. They think Pedro’s mother forced him to marry an American girl so she and the sister could benefit from having a relative with access to all the money tree orchards in the Land of Plenty. Pedro repeats that she doesn’t understand his culture, which dictates that sons take care of their mothers. I don’t know if this is true, but if it is, it seems to me that Chantel and Pedro are at an impasse. She wants to be his first priority, but his first priority is always going to be fulfilling his duty to his family. They probably should have understood this about each other before they got married. Pedro tells Chantel she needs another husband, and he’s right.

Chantel’s friend GG and her boyfriend are in the DR for the wedding. Chantel describes the debacle this trip has been and GG offers her support. She says Pedro needs to put Chantel first as his wife. The boyfriend says Pedro is struggling to balance his manly responsibilities. GG asks if the wedding is still on, and Chantel equivocates.

Pedro meets Chantel’s father and brother so the father can educate him on what’s expected of an American husband. Once again we hear that the family Chantel is suspicious of Pedro’s motives. Once again Pedro complains that they don’t respect his culture. Once again we hear that Pedro and Chantel shouldn’t be living in a studio while his mother and sister live in a three bedroom apartment. Pedro explains that the rent in the DR is much cheaper than in the US, and that he and Chantel have a two-year plan to better their circumstances. Father Chantel tells Pedro that Chantel was better off before she married him. Pedro takes offense to this and, after some more futile back-and-forth, walks out.

Why can’t the Family Chantel understand that in Pedro’s culture, he’s expected to take care of his mother? Why can’t the Family Pedro understand that in Chantel’s culture, the wife is supposed to come first? There are two different sets of expectations working against each other here, and both Chantel and Pedro and their families need to respect the other’s cultural norms and find a happy medium. If they can’t, then it’s time to move on.

Loren and Alexei

Alexei’s mother is leaving for Israel and everyone is sad because it looks like Alexei’s family will not be able to immigrate to the US. Half this show is made up of flashbacks and commentary about things we’ve already seen and heard several times. How memory-impaired does TLC think its viewers are? Oh right–much of its audience is comprised of people who watch the Duggars and the Sister Wives. Slobbering inbreds are probably dealing with less than impressive mental capacities, therefore TLC has been forced to dumb down its programming so the simple folk can follow it. I get it.

Loren has been asked to speak at a Tourette’s Society event in Washington, D.C. She is nervous and wants Alexei to get off work to accompany her. He probably won’t be able to because the invitation was last-minute. Loren pouts. I don’t why I bother to chronicle Loren and Alexei’s activities when their whole lives can be summed up in two words. Just like Jesus wept, Loren pouts.

While Loren is in Washington, Alexei has a bone to pick with her father. Why did he tell Alexei’s parents that Tourette’s wasn’t hereditary? Was he truly ignorant or was he lying? Turns out he was truly ignorant, because there were no support systems in place for Tourette’s sufferers while Loren was growing up and the doctors did not offer her parents any guidance. Alexei is relieved. I’m not sure I buy Loren’s father’s explanation. Is he saying that at no time during the last twenty-something years of Loren’s life were she or her family able to access information about her condition? It seems fishy, but as long as Alexei believes him, I guess this storyline is wrapped up.

Danielle and Mohamed

Danielle goes to Mohamed’s friend Tom’s house to gather more evidence against Mohamed for the upcoming annulment hearing. Tom refuses because he thinks Danielle is manipulative and doesn’t believe the text message printouts Danielle whips out prove that Mohamed cheated on her. How can she know the texts are actually from Mohamed? Danielle may live and die by social media but Tom doesn’t trust information gleaned from the internet. In any other situation Tom might come off as a paranoid bunker dweller, but next to Danielle his skepticism is sage-like.

Danielle’s flawed logic is on display as she tries another tack. She and Mohamed weren’t sleeping together during the last three months of their marriage, so he must have been sleeping with somebody else. It’s really not that complicated–Mohamed wasn’t sleeping with Danielle because he is repulsed by her. We all saw last season’s reunion. I made the mistake of making myself a sandwich before I sat down to watch this scene and now I feel like I’ll never be able to eat again.

Danielle has a meltdown when she realizes that Tom is not going to help her and screams that she “HA-HA-HAAAAATES Mohamed SO MUCH!” Danielle is perplexing. Her criminal record attests to her ability to hatch wily schemes, but her behavior suggests some form of diminished mental capacity. She’s probably a fan of the Duggars.

Mohamed meets with a lawyer he has not retained to get advice before the annulment hearing. It’s certainly magnanimous of this lawyer to spend his valuable time advising someone who is arrogant enough to believe he can represent himself in a proceeding that could result in his deportation. Maybe he wants the screen time.

Mohamed is defensive and maintains he did nothing wrong. The lawyer thinks that if Mohamed’s attitude doesn’t change, he’ll be headed back to Tunisia faster than you can say “go back to your family goat.”

Russ and Paola

Russ has a job interview for a field engineer position in Miami. It is outside his field of expertise and pays about half of what he used to make, but Pao couldn’t care less about how taking this job could negatively affect Russ’ career. As long as he can support her while she escorts models around Miami, he can be a goatherder for all she cares.
Or, as she has suggested, a bartender.

Russ has accepted the field engineer job. He isn’t thrilled about the huge pay cut but Pao is thrilled because now Russ can pay for her to visit her family in Colombia.

Pao and Russ arrive at someone’s cluttered home for yet another low-rent photo shoot. Pao needs to beef up her skanky portfolio and explains that this photographer specializes in pictures of “good, juicy booties.” Sounds elegant. First I must comment on Pao’s hair. It is at least three different colors and you can see where the extensions have been added. Her outfits consist of a one-piece thong bathing suit that shows off her “juicy booty,” a cut-off t-shirt that reveals copious underboob combined with a ratty pair of denim shorts, and a sheer black negligee open to her navel. This is not the professional photo shoot Russ was expecting.

Instead of shooting in the controlled environment of a Milk Studios-like facility, Pao is posing next to the fence in the photographer’s front yard. Instead of wearing tasteful clothing that highlights her assets, Pao is dressed like a hooker on a third-rate stroll. Russ understands that Miami is a sexy city but he’s worried that Pao’s photos cross the line. That’s because they do. Apparently, in Miami “sexy” means looking like a back alley crack whore in need of a fix.

Jorge and Anfisa

Jorge and Anfisa are still separated. I love how TLC plays this forlorn music during the Jorge and Anfisa segments, as if we’re supposed to be heartbroken over their breakup. Anfisa is lonely so she Face Times her grandmother in Russia, who tells her she looks fat. That’s nice. I am beginning to understand why Anfisa is the way she is.

Jorge meets with one of the friends he ditched when he hooked up with Anfisa. Then he hooks up with the mother he ditched when he hooked up with Anfisa. Both conversations revolve around Anfisa. Jorge wants to meet with her and bring her a gift to get back into her good graces. He is such a glutton for punishment. His sister advises against it, but she looks like she has realized that Jorge is a lost cause.

Anfisa Ubers to the plastic surgeon’s office. She is depleting her savings because Jorge has not been footing the bill for her during their separation, but she still deserves to maintain her lifestyle. So today she’s getting Botox and lip injections. Anfisa says there are two types of people in the world: those who are willing to spend money to take care of themselves and those who are not. She falls into the former category.

Next week: more of the same.

90 Day Fiance HEA Episode 5 Recap: Voodoo Chicken Feet

Danielle and Mohamed

Danielle is meeting with her family members to ask them to provide evidence against Mohamed in her upcoming annulment trial. They are skeptical, because this is about the seventh time Danielle has filed for an annulment. They’ll do it, but this is Danielle’s last chance. If she pulls the annulment or goes back to Mohamed, they’re done. Again.

Mohamed’s friend Diamond has asked to meet with him and he hopes everything is okay with her. It is not, because Danielle has been texting her and hassling her on social media ever since Mohamed posted Diamond’s picture on his Facebook page. Obviously Mohamed is a little slow on the uptake regarding his social media management–this is like the tenth girl Danielle has stalked. Maybe don’t post pictures of girls for awhile? Diamond seems to take Danielle’s harassment in stride, especially her comment that Diamond looks like a man. I really don’t think Danielle is in a position to cast aspersions on other women’s looks. She’s too easy of a target herself and should know better.

Mohamed is embarrassed by Danielle’s behavior and apologizes to Diamond. He knows that marrying Danielle was the biggest mistake of his life, and hopefully he’ll be done with her once and for all when he returns to Ohio for their annulment hearing.

Mohamed packs for his trip to Ohio and Danielle is shopping for court clothes with her sister. It’s hard for her to find clothes because she’s got “short girl problems.” Mmm…okay. Mohamed says he’s afraid for his life and Danielle and her sister bash him in the sad little dress shop where they’re browsing for a new outfit. Danielle isn’t sure what Mohamed’s up to, but she hopes she’s gathered enough evidence to secure an annulment. So do I. This storyline is tired AF.

Chantal and Pedro

Chantal and Pedro are packing to go to the Dominican Republic. In addition to an entire suitcase full of gifts for his mother, Pedro has bought her a flat screen TV. How does he think he’s going to get that on the plane? Chantal doesn’t understand why Pedro is bringing back all these gifts when he’s already paying his mother’s rent. She thinks Pedro’s mother and sister are freeloaders. She’s right. And as if paying his mother’s rent, bringing a suitcase full case of gifts and a flat screen TV isn’t enough, Pedro wants Chantal to buy his mother a laptop. Incredibly, she agrees to do it. Where does it end? Even though Chantal is trying to be patient with the cultural differences, at this point she needs to have Pedro’s paycheck deposited directly into her account and put him on an allowance–at least until he pays her back for the wedding ring she had to buy for herself. How does Pedro have all this money to spend on his family but he can’t buy his wife a $4,000 wedding ring? Oh–I just answered my own question. Time to cut Mama Pedro off.

Chantal’s parents feel awkward around Mama Pedro because they can’t get over the time she called them stupid Americans with mental problems after they insisted Pedro sign a pre-nuptial agreement. I love the way Pedro refers to Chantal’s family as the “Family Chantal.” It’s cute. What’s not cute is the way his mother and sister basically ignore the Family Chantal upon their arrival in the DR and accost Pedro about the whereabouts of their TV. His sister seems like a bitch. They couldn’t bring the TV because it was too big, so they’re going to FedEx it upon their return to the US. I think you could probably buy a seat on the plane for the TV and it would be less expensive than FedExing it to Pedro’s family. Just how expensive ARE electronics in the DR?

Mama Pedro invites the Family Chantal over to her house for dinner, but Chantal’s mom Karen is leery of eating food that was prepared by someone who doesn’t like her. Once they arrive, Mama Pedro gives them the grand tour, and Chantal notes that it is a three bedroom, two bath apartment. She and Pedro live in a studio. Chantal tells her family that they’re able to afford this apartment because Pedro is footing the bill for it. Karen finds this strange and Chantal tells her she’s trying to be “acceptive” of Pedro’s customs. Karen still doesn’t like it. She watches disapprovingly as Mama and Sister Pedro unpack their suitcase full of gifts, but the laptop is the last straw. Someone asks the sister if it’s for work and she says, “yes, for work,” before she and Mama Pedro break down in laughter. Karen has Pedro’s family’s number, and she’s seen enough.

She says they won’t be able to stay for dinner, but Pedro begs them to stay because his mother has been cooking “all day.” The Family Chantal reluctantly sticks around, only to be served a plate of chicken feet and chicken necks. Not only is Karen insulted by this meager offering, she thinks Mama Pedro may be putting some sort of hex on her, since she knows that chicken feet are often used in voodoo rituals. This seems a little paranoid to me, but I wouldn’t be thrilled about eating chicken offal either.

The Family Chantal prepares to leave, but before they do Karen thanks Mama Pedro for inviting them into their home, even though she thinks they are “stupid Americans with mental problems.” What follows is a language barrier-challenged roundelay filled with chicken feet angst and lingering bitterness over a certain pre-nuptial agreement. Nothing is accomplished and the Family Chantal takes their leave.

Chantal sits down to dinner with the Family Pedro and tries to convey why her family feels disrespected. Mama Pedro admits they never eat chicken feet, but says, with a shit-eating grin on her face, that she thought the Family Chantal would enjoy some traditional Dominican fare. She’s a sly one, that Mama Pedro. Chantal also wonders if Mama Pedro “prayed up” the chicken feet with voodoo and points out that regardless, it was disrespectful of them to cook something they don’t normally eat and try to feed it to Chantal and her family. Chantal is spot on–if the something they don’t normally eat was lobster, it would be a different story. But it was chicken feet and chicken necks–in Chantal’s words, the lowest part of the chicken.

Chantal calmly explains to the Family Pedro that the whole point of their DR wedding is to unite the two families. Mama Pedro concedes that she knows this and that hopefully they can still accomplish it. The next day is a new day, and the Families Chantal and Pedro are traveling to the wilds of inland DR to meet Pedro’s grandmother. Everyone is hopeful that relations will improve from here on out. The ride to the grandmother’s house starts out well, with Chantal’s dad complimenting the countryside and Mama Pedro apologizing for the previous night’s dinner. Five hours later, however, they still haven’t reached the grandmother’s house, and when they do, it’s “pitch black” outside. Pedro joyfully reunites with his grandmother while the Family Chantal refuses to get out of the van. Why? Because through the inky darkness all they can see is a house that is in disrepair (River says it’s the kind of place where the militia live), some “wild” dogs running around and a woman stirring a cauldron–more chicken feet voodoo, assumes Chantal. Translation: there is a modest home, a couple of dogs and a woman cooking over a fire. The Family Chantal are not world travelers, are they?

In the van, the Family Chantal riles Chantal up over the fact that Mama Pedro lives in a three bedroom apartment, while she and Pedro live in a studio. Why are there three bedrooms and two baths when only Mama Pedro and the sister live there? Who is the third bedroom for? Obviously Pedro, who has perpetrated this marriage charade so he can earn money in the US before going back to live with his family in the lap of luxury at Chantal’s expense. It is beyond rude that Chantal’s family won’t leave the van. I would be mortified if I was Chantal.

Pedro doesn’t understand why the Family Chantal won’t leave the van, and Chantal tries to explain to him that they are questioning why Pedro’s family is moving up in the world while he and Chantal are stagnant. She thinks he’s putting his family above his wife and Pedro explains that as a son, it is his responsibility to take care of his mother (and to let her shamelessly take advantage of his sense of duty). Chantal feels like she has tried to respect his culture and customs, but he gives her no respect in return.

Mama Pedro laughs as Chantal and Pedro fight, while the Family Chantal cowers in the van and wonders what menaces lurk in yonder shack, not to mention the surrounding jungle. Karen thinks that Pedro and his mother plotted to hoodwink Chantal into marriage, and she doesn’t trust them. Chantal is starting to think her family is right. She storms away from Pedro and into the van, and the Family Chantal heads back to (relative) civilization, bashing Mama Pedro all the way.

Back at Pedro’s grandmother’s hovel, Mama Pedro curses Chantal and her family, and warns that they shouldn’t fuck with Dominicans. Her formidable manipulation skills are on display as she tells Pedro that she gave birth to him, educated him, and gave up everything for him. The least he can do is support her while she doesn’t lift a finger and shower her and the sister with expensive electronics while they sit around and eat the highest parts of the chicken all day. If Chantal doesn’t like it, she can go back to the United States. I don’t think the Family Chantal are the only ones anxious to flee the DR for the US. Have you been to Washington Heights?

Pedro despairs that the goal of uniting the families is a lost cause, and I have to agree because his mother and sister–who are both despicable–are berating him for making a fool of himself over a girl who thinks she’s a queen, and for caving into the American custom of purchasing a ring for his wife. Umm, Pedro? You didn’t buy that ring for Chantal because your credit was denied. She bought it for herself.

It looks like a lost cause for the Families Chantal and Pedro. Pedro’s mother and sister are shamelessly greedy and manipulative, but the Family Chantal are provincial snobs. So I guess it’s a draw for now.

Jorge and Anfisa

Anfisa was upset after Jorge didn’t stick up for her to his sister Lourdes, so she’s kicked him out. Again. Jorge is holed up in a hotel–again–and thinks this latest fight is more serious than their garden variety knock-down, drag-out blowups. He was blinded by lust love, and now his heart is broken into a million pieces.

Anfisa Ubers over to the Fig and Olive to meet her friend Miranda for lunch. Why does Miranda have purple splotches on her lips? They discuss Jorge and Anfisa’s latest breakup, and Miranda tells Anfisa she can do WAY better. After all, they’re in the OC, where sugar daddies abound. Who is Miranda? How did Anfisa find a girl with the same deplorable value system as herself so quickly? Oh, right, it’s Orange County, where sugar daddies abound but moral compasses do not. Anfisa compliments Miranda’s lips–the purple splotches are the result of recent lip injections. I should have known. Miranda encourages Anfisa to ignore the haters and do whatever makes her feel good about herself. Anfisa doesn’t really need this advice because she points out that when people say she’s filled with plastic, she just shrugs her shoulders and says, “who isn’t these days?” Anfisa gives zero fucks, which is why she’s awesome.

Jorge is meeting Lourdes for lunch to tell her about his breakup with Anfisa. He is able to be candid with her since Anfisa is absent, and tells her that things between them are worse than he’s led his family to believe. He describes the degradation and the hitting, and admits he’s afraid of Anfisa. He says he’s finally seen the light and feels like the marriage was a mistake, but Lourdes is skeptical. She’ll believe he and Anfisa are over when she sees the divorce papers. Jorge’s penis still loves Anfisa, so Lourdes shouldn’t hold her breath.

Loren and Alexei

Loren and Alexei’s mother Natasha are shopping at an Israeli market so Natasha can teach Loren how to cook some of Alexei’s favorite dishes. One of those dishes is chicken livers and onions–of course Loren is grossed out by chicken livers. In addition to preparing a nice meal for her husband, Loren wanted to bring Natasha to the Israeli market to show her that she can be comfortable and make a life for herself in America. There is more to living in a foreign country than knowing where to buy your preferred brand of ketchup, but Loren doesn’t tend to overthink such matters. She and Alexei are hoping that Alexei’s parents and brother will immigrate to the US, so Loren is taking Natasha to see an immigration attorney.

The attorney sits down with Loren and Natasha, and upon being introduced to Natasha begins speaking Russian! Natasha is delighted. He tells them that after three years, Alexei can apply for US citizenship, and once he becomes a citizen he can file a petition to bring his parents to the US. Once he files, the process only takes about six months, which is great news. Bringing the brother over is a different story. Alexei can file a separate petition for his brother at the same time he files his parents’ petition, but instead of six months the time frame for his brother to be allowed into the US is about thirteen years. Loren and Natasha are disappointed, because Natasha will not leave Alexei’s brother alone in Israel. So that’s that. It seems like this drama could have been avoided if Loren and Alexei would have educated themselves about the mechanics of bringing over his family before everyone got all excited about it.

Alexei takes Natasha and Loren out for a nice dinner, but Loren is worried about telling him about his brother’s dismal prospects for immigration. It wouldn’t be an episode of 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After if Loren wasn’t worried about breaking some sort of distressing news to Alexei. Reasonable, mature Alexei is disappointed but he understands. He respects that his parents do not want to leave his brother behind and will not pressure them to do so.

Russ and Paola

Russ has had it with Paola’s shady “agent,” and with his wife in tow, goes to confront her. Paola is dressed like a Tijuana whore. The only signage to identify the “agency” is a haphazardly tacked-up banner over the door, indicating a fly-by-night operation that changes locations every time the law begins to sniff around. Paola has not gotten any work since she’s been in Miami, and Russ wants to meet the woman who promised her so many great things. He stares her down as he says this and the “agent,” who senses she can’t play with Russ like she does with her stable of starry-eyed, D-list would-be “models,” is speechless for a moment. But the “agent” is a mistress of deflection and says she totally understands Russ’ frustration but she is a very busy woman, and the pictures Paola has given her (the pictures Paola took with the photographer the “agent” set her up with) are no good. Paola needs new, sexier pictures that reflect her current look. I don’t know how Paola’s pictures could be any trashier sexier–they already look like a boudoir photo shoot from the back room of a motorcycle clubhouse.

Paola says she’s happy to get new pictures but since the “agent” has ghosted her, she didn’t know she needed them. The “agent” switches tactics and blames Paola for not logging on to the agency’s “casting system,” where she can access all the model castings and generate direct bookings. This is not how the modeling industry works (at least not in New York–I don’t know about Miami). There is no way a real modeling agency would allow its models to use its website to get direct bookings from a client. Modeling agencies make their money by acting as go-betweens, and they get a percentage of whatever job a model books. They do not provide an avenue for clients and models to contact each other directly, because in doing so they would eliminate their role as middle man, and thus their source of income. Escort services, however, operate in a way that is similar to the one Paola’s “agent” is describing. No wonder she told Paola during their first meeting that she doesn’t like working with women who are married.

The “agent” pretends to check the “casting system” to see if Paola has activated the login credentials the “agent” claims to have given her. Not surprisingly, Paola has no profile on the website. There are only six “models” on this “agency’s” website, and one of them has no picture, just a default avatar. Russ sees through this charade, but Paola wants to start fresh. Oh, Paola–listen to your husband for once. You are being taken for a major ride.

Russ and Paola meet with her photographer and her idol, some internet fitness model and her manager/husband, Jimmy. Paola has plotted planned this meeting to push Russ in the “right direction,” i.e. to make him more comfortable with whoring out his wife. The photographer says Russ needs to loosen up about Paola’s photos–yes, they’re sexy, but they’re classy, too. Classy?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just choked on my gin and juice.

Paola, the photogapher and Jimmy all tell Russ he needs to support Paola in her famewhoring endeavors, but although Russ is proud to say his wife is a model, he points out that Jimmy is European–a far more open-minded populace than your average Oklahoman. Russ wants to support his wife, but he’s not sure he’ll ever be 100% okay with what she’s doing. Poor Russ–he’s trying, but like I’ve said before, he needs to trade in this flamingo for a humble little wren if he’s ever going to have a happy marriage.



90 Day Fiance HEA Episode 4 Recap

The Guy from Oklahoma and His Cheap Skank of a Wife

I’m over Paola. After sitting there giggling while nasty queen Juan tore her husband to shreds she has the NERVE to be pissed that Russ got up and left. She then proceeds to throw him under the bus YET AGAIN to that smarmy little trick before calling him up and demanding to know where he is. You know where he is? Slumped against a wall on a Miami street cursing himself for making the two biggest mistakes of his life: marrying a trifling famewhore, and chucking his whole life to follow her to the cesspool of Miami.

After fighting over the Juan debacle in the street they take it to their hotel room, continuing to argue over her not supporting him and him not supporting her. The incident prompts Paola to wonder if she’s the right person for Russ and to acknowledge what fundamentally different people they are. She wonders if the marriage can last, and half-heartedly adds that she hopes it can. Russ is also wondering whether the marriage will work, saying that Miami might not be the place to make that happen. It’s not Miami, Russ. Take a cue from your wife and just admit that you’ve both made an enormous mistake and call it quits.

The most disappointing thing to Russ about the Juan debacle was how Paola did not defend him or their relationship. Conveniently, the only thing Paola remembers about the night before was that Russ left her behind. Like a pathetic lapdog, Russ admits he shouldn’t have done that, but tells Paola she becomes a person he doesn’t like when she’s with Juan. Unfortunately, that’s who Paola is, and she says that Russ wanted an exotic wife, only to try to change her once he got her. She has a point. I get why he married her, but why did she marry him? It wasn’t just for a green card, because they’ve been married for awhile, and she did try to stick it out in Oklahoma even though she was miserable there.

Russ says he wants to find a group of friends in Miami they can both be comfortable with, but that ultimately they might need to find another place where they can both be happy. Russ doesn’t get it–Pao has already found her place. She’s not leaving.

Russ visits a headhunter to investigate the job prospects for a drilling engineer in South Florida. They’re not good. The oil and gas industry doesn’t exist there. If he wants to stay in Miami, he’s going to have to make a career transition. Pao already suggested that he become a bartender–problem solved! Russ tells Pao the recruiter is looking for openings in Russ’ field somewhere other than Florida, and the writing is on the wall. If Russ leaves Miami, he leaves by himself. That is the best thing that could happen to either of them.

Pao and Russ have rented a little house in Miami. Russ thinks that Pao doesn’t understand the financial strain he’s under, supporting two households with no job. Thank God for the TLC paychecks! Juan texts Pao to tell her he’s stopping by before he leaves for Colombia. Russ obviously doesn’t want to see him, but Pao insists on it. Does she never learn? And what is she wearing? A flannel shirt as a dress? God, she’s got the WORST taste!

Juan shows up with Christian, and they sit down with Russ and Pao to hash out the other night. Juan eventually apologizes, but as Pao notes, his apology was “fake as hell.” Juan says he only apologized for Pao’s sake, and he will “never, never, never” be friends with Russ. Juan is on his best behavior for the rest of the night, restricting himself to needling Russ about being unemployed and taunting him about Pao’s “career” as a model. If Paola really wants her marriage to work, she should tell Juan to shut the fuck up, and if he wants to be her friend, he’ll respect her husband and her marriage. But she knows her marriage is doomed, and Juan will be there long after Russ is gone, so she says nothing.

On the way out Juan says he’ll continue to bother them and stress them out until they get to the point where they realize they’re just too different and call it quits. Score one for the snarky little bitch.

Loren and Alexei

Post Tourette’s revelation, Alexei and Loren are at the airport to pick up his mother, who is arriving from Israel. Both of them are worried about telling his mom that Tourette’s is hereditary, unlike what Loren’s father told her. She and Alexei are so happy to see each other! Alexei is hoping that his family will consider moving to the US, and his mom, Natasha, is interested to see how her son lives and what life in America is like.

Loren, Alexei and Natasha set off to meet Loren’s mom for a boat tour around Miami. In true Loren style, she wants to wine and dine Natasha and show her only the pretty, shiny parts of Florida to induce her to move there, while keeping the not-so-pretty parts a secret. Natasha speaks Russian, Ukranian and Hebrew–impressive!–so Loren feels left out on the ride to the boat. Loren’s been married to an Israeli for over a year–maybe she could learn Hebrew. Just a thought. Loren greets her mom and prepares to ask her why her parents never told her that Tourette’s is hereditary.

Natasha is enjoying the boat ride and can see herself living in Florida one day. Loren takes her mother aside and asks her THE question. Loren’s mother’s response is despicable, but a giant Palladian window into why Loren is the way she is. She weasels out of keeping this major piece of information from her daughter by saying Tourette’s is not hereditary because passing it down to one’s children is not a 100% sure thing. Loren agrees that there is only a 50% chance of passing it down. Her mother says, “or not.” The mother reasons that since Loren cannot be sure her children will have Tourette’s she shouldn’t worry about it, and she shouldn’t tell Natasha about it either, because why make someone worry about something that might never happen?. Is Loren’s mother the Mad Hatter? It’s like she’s saying the possibility doesn’t exist until the reality exists. No wonder Loren is always sugarcoating and equivocating. No wonder her logic is flawed. Poor Loren. I take back every bad thing I ever said about her.

Of course Loren tried to avoid it as long as she could, but the time has come to tell Natasha about the Tourette’s. She says the news is serious and unpleasant, and wonders why Loren’s father told them it wasn’t hereditary. Loren’s parents have put her in a terrible position, and she runs into the bathroom in tears, crying that “it’s too hard.” Alexei comes in to comfort her, and he translates while she tells Natasha, in her own words, how she feels. Since her parents never told her it could be passed down (there is a question about why she didn’t research her condition herself, or discuss it more thoroughly with her doctors, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt), she never thought about giving it to her children. And while she hopes that doesn’t happen, if it does, she’ll be there to help them through it.

Natasha, who is awesome, says that every family has its difficulties, but with love and understanding they’ll get through it. Awww! *sniff*

Jorge and Anfisa

Jorge is meeting Anfisa at the attorneys’ office for another go-round over the post-nuptial agreement. On the way he calls his sister Lourdes to make plans to meet for dinner that night. He’s not going to tell Anfisa about it because Anfisa and Lourdes don’t get along–go figure. He hasn’t seen Lourdes in a long time and is looking forward to catching up with her. Jorge and Anfisa don’t even make it out of the attorney’s waiting room before he crumbles and tells Anfisa “we’re” meeting Lourdes tonight. Anfisa of course flips out and throws a punch at him, which he blocks. She storms out of the office, leaving Jorge no choice but to follow her, shoulders slumped in defeat. In the hallway, Anfisa rips her microphone off and refuses to continue filming. She and Jorge drive away, the picture of domestic bliss.

Anfisa thinks that Jorge should stick up for her instead of his sisters, and accompanies Jorge to meet Lourdes so she can confront her talk to her face to face. Lourdes is unhappily surprised to see her. It’s been nine months since Lourdes has seen Jorge, and she wonders what’s been going on with him. Jorge mumbles a vague answer before Anfisa and Lourdes get into it. Anfisa doesn’t want Jorge to see his sisters because they think she’s a whore who married Jorge for money and treats him like shit. Lourdes says they drew conclusions about her because they don’t know her (and because she’s a whore who married Jorge for money and treats him like shit).

Anfisa is pissed that Jorge tells her she needs to make an effort with his family, and wonders why Jorge would want to be around people that “talk shit” about his wife. Umm, because they’re his family. Lourdes is never going to win this one. She is a rational, reasonable human being who is genuinely concerned for her brother’s welfare. She’s no match for Anfisa, who stonily rebuts every one of her arguments with her peculiar but unshakable brand of logic, until Lourdes loses her cool and accuses her of only “spreading her legs” for Jorge when he has money. At that, Anfisa gets up to go and Lourdes calls her a little girl who solves her problems by walking away. They exchange a few more words, then Anfisa turns to leave and Jorge, like a beaten dog, follows her. Lourdes is upset that this girl has alienated Jorge from his family and vows to not let her destroy him.

Danielle and Mohamed

Danielle goes to meet with a lawyer to discuss the annulment. Again.

Mohamed is concerned about his immigration status given the current political climate in the US, so he meets with his Russian friend to get some advice. She tells him he’s right to be concerned, because he can be deported for any little thing. This scares Mohamed, but also motivates him to nail Danielle to the wall if she goes forward with the annulment. Mohamed might have a shot here, because Danielle’s rap sheet is about a mile long.

Chantal and Pedro

Chantal returns from her bachelorette party and there is some mild drama over Pedro not being able to get a hold of her before they both dissolve into giggles over one of her sex toy gifts. Chantal thinks he needs to stop being so controlling overprotective and trust her.

Pedro and Chantal go shopping for a ring. Pedro is comfortable spending around $500-$700 on a ring, but that’s not going to fly with Chantal. His gaming system cost $2,500, so he should be fine with buying her the ring of her dreams. She falls in love with a ring that will cost Pedro $4,000 out the door. He applies for credit and is denied because as an immigrant, he hasn’t established any credit. Chantal isn’t thrilled, but she understands, and applies for the credit on her own. Chantal is a good sport, laughing about the fact that she’s buying her own wedding ring.

Pedro Facetimes his mother, who is living in a new apartment that Pedro is helping her pay for. This is news to Chantal–while she and Pedro are living in a studio, his mother is living large, and has the nerve to rattle off a list of things she needs Pedro’s money to buy. Chantal knew Pedro was sending money to help his family out, but she had no idea how much he was sending. She’s not happy.

90 Day Fiance HEA Episode 3 Recap

Jorge and Anfisa

Jorge has cancelled his meeting with the lawyers and is returning to Anfisa after her epic meltdown. He’s disappointed because he wanted to talk to them about transferring his assets to make it harder for Anfisa to get her greedy paws on them. Anfisa may be a psycho, but Jorge is one shady mfer. He returns to the apartment, where Anfisa refuses to let the cameras in. Jorge returns to his car fifteen minutes later with his suitcase. Anfisa has kicked him out so he’s headed to a hotel. Alone in his room, he explains that he’s cut ties with his friends and family (because they can’t stand Anfisa), so he doesn’t have anyone to turn to. Jorge has only himself to blame for this.

During a sleepless night, Jorge came to the realization that he might bear some of the responsibility for Anfisa’s behavior. What a sap this guy is! He shows up at the apartment with 99 roses (in Russia, even numbers are only for funerals), and Anfisa is calm as she lets him in and listens to his apology. She has to bust his balls a little bit before she lets him off the hook, so she asks him where he’s been and tells him he should have tried harder to get in touch with her (even though her phone was turned off–you can’t argue with crazy). He asks her what happened and she explains that she got mad because he told her he would be back in a minute but took off instead. This is the thing about Anfisa–it is reasonable for her to be angry about this, especially since her main problem with Jorge (other than that he’s broke) is that he’s a liar, and this is just another small lie within a pattern of bigger lies. Her reaction, however, is not reasonable. It is not merely unreasonable, it is indicative of a significant mental health issue.

Anfisa admits that she overreacted and takes some responsibility for their fight. She asks Jorge if he’s going to do something like that again and he says he won’t. Since she put the fear of God into him I suspect he’s telling the truth. Anfisa forgives him and he carries her into the bedroom. Just yuck.

Anfisa and Jorge are in the car getting ready to leave for her green card interview. They are fighting. She screams at him to get her makeup bag out of the apartment and throws the keys at him. On the way to the interview she tells him, with a straight face, that it’s very important to get her green card so she can leave him. Jorge thinks this a joke. Just like he thought it was a joke when she told him that she was only with him for his money. Cameras are not allowed inside the USCIS office, but after a short time Jorge and Anfisa emerge with the news that she’s been approved. Jorge says getting through the line at the Apple store takes longer than a green card interview. That explains a lot about how Mohamed got his green card.

Now that Anfisa has her green card she wants to get a driver’s license. Jorge is not comfortable with the thought of giving her the keys to ANY car. Neither is every other motorist in the greater LA area. He says she’s a crazy driver, and then something so unexpected happens it’s like finding an electric can opener in the middle of the Dothraki Sea. Anfisa makes a joke! In response to Jorge calling her a crazy driver, she says she’s just plain crazy. And then she laughs! She must be giddy with the prospect of leaving Jorge in the dust now that she has her green card.

Loren and Alexei

After the stress of the great bachelorette party caper, Loren and Alexei are having a date night. His mother is coming into town and he’s looking forward to having some good meals while she’s there. Loren admits that homemaking is not her forte, and since she’s not working right now she wants to find something meaningful to do with her life. She thinks that will be sharing her own struggle with others, so she’s meeting with the Tourette’s Society of America to see if there’s a way she can do that.

The people at the Tourette’s Society are impressed with Loren and think she would make an excellent ambassador. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Tourette’s is hereditary. This is especially bad news because not only have Loren’s parents lied to her her entire life by telling her it wasn’t passed down, when Alexei’s parents asked about it they lied to them too. If Alexei was upset about Loren lying to him about some strippers at a stupid bachelorette party, imagine how upset he’ll be when he finds out that her parents lied to his parents about Tourette’s being hereditary? He should worry less about Tourette’s and more about whether habitual lying is hereditary.

Instead of sitting her husband down to discuss a serious issue that could affect their future children like an adult, Loren drops this bomb on Alexei while they’re making their bed like she’s telling him they’re out of milk. She immediately tries to sugarcoat it, telling him it’s just a chance, and everyone is different, blah, blah, blah, and that since his mother is coming into town she thought he should know. This is how profoundly immature, cowardly and sneaky Loren is. I truly believe that if his parents hadn’t asked–and been lied to–about it, she would just keep this information to herself and cross her fingers that her and Alexei’s children wouldn’t have Tourette’s. I’m starting to think Alexei, as someone who appreciates honesty, would have been better off marrying Anfisa. Better yet, he should have stayed in Israel with his family and married a woman who was worthy of him.

Alexei is understandably taken aback at this news and wants to research it himself. In about 2 seconds he finds out that the chances of passing it down to children are fifty percent. When he says he’s concerned about this, Loren of course goes into victim mode, but her logic is flawed. She’s upset with Alexei because he has concerns about whether their children may inherit Tourette’s. She thinks he’s being insensitive because he’s the only man, other than her father, to whom she’s opened up about having a disease she’s struggled with her whole life. Alexei knows how having Tourette’s has negatively impacted Loren’s life, so he is concerned that his children might have the same challenges. Loren is too childish and selfish to see that Alexei’s reaction is not an indictment of her, but rather an indication of his understanding of what she’s been through.

Alexei clarifies that he will love his children no matter what, but doesn’t want them to have Tourette’s. Loren, in perhaps her very first moment of insight and maturity, says that if their children have Tourette’s, she’ll be there for them in a way no one was there for her. Good for her. Another hurdle for Loren and Alexei has been cleared.

Danielle and Mohamed

Danielle is moving into her new trailer and continuing to torture her daughters by pining over Mohamed. She wishes her new boyfriend was there to help with the move, but he’s out of state. Out of state being Somalia. Can this woman go a day without trolling for men on the internet? Mohamed is back in Miami and on a day date with a girl named Diamond. I thought the only people named Diamond were nocturnal creatures unable to exist outside strip clubs, back alleys or Times Square circa 1978. I stand corrected.

Mohamed stupidly puts a picture of him and Diamond on social media, so of course Danielle freaks out and calls him. It’s the same conversation they always have except for when her stalwart friend Beth takes the phone and tells Mohamed to go back to his “family goat.” Danielle vows (again) to make Mohamed pay for his philandering ways.

Russ and Paola, the world’s most mismatched couple

Paola is pointing out the wonders of Miami as she and Russ stroll to the beach. Russ says he’s going to be open-minded, but he knows he’s out of his element. Evidenced by the fact that he’s wearing a long-sleeved flannel shirt to the beach. Before they even get there, Russ hassles Pao about her revealing garb (has he met his wife?) and yells at some guy for checking her out. So we’re off to a good start with that open mind thing.

The minute they settle on the sand, Russ starts to lecture Pao about making money and paying bills and all the mundane things that consume Russ’ life and that Pao cares nothing about. She tells him that to “help her” he may need to take a job as a bartender. The man’s an engineer. He needs to tend bar in a city he hates so his wife can go clubbing with her amigas and pretend to be a model? She just needs to meet a nice Yayo dealer and get on with it.

Pao and Russ are meeting her friends for drinks. Two out of the three have the same bad blonde dye jobs as Paola–didn’t her “agent” tell her to go out and spend $450 to bleach her hair so she could stand out from all the brunettes? I guess her friends have the same agent. After a round of tequila shots, Pao turns her back to Russ and, ignoring him, chats with her friends in Spanish. When they start talking about her bitchy friend Juan, she looks over her shoulder at him to see his reaction, and he says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” That, in a nutshell, is Russ and Pao’s relationship. Pao and her friends keep yammering away, making fun of Russ’ cowboy boots, slamming Oklahoma, etc. until Pao turns to him and tells him she forgets he’s there sometimes. That’s nice. Russ can tell Pao is in her element, but thinks couples need to find a place where both can be happy and is concerned Miami is not that place for him. Why are these two even trying? It’s maddening.

The next morning Pao and Russ are drinking champagne. Pao says she’s looking a little messy after what he “did to her last night.” Yuck. Why is she always wearing that drab olive color? Russ asks what they should do today and she breaks the news that Juan is in town. Even though Juan hates Russ and Russ hates Juan, Pao thinks it would be a good idea to get them together. Russ is afraid that Juan’s presence will bring out “party Pao” and shockingly he doesn’t like that side of her. Does he like ANY side of her? Does he even KNOW any side of her? Pao tells Russ that he needs to try to get along with Juan so everyone can be happy. Russ agrees, but he’s skeptical.

Russ and Pao meet Juan and his boyfriend Christian for drinks. As soon as they take their seats the night goes down the drain. Pao compliments Juan and Christian’s outfits and tells them they need to help Russ change his style. Juan calls Russ fat, Russ says it’s muscle, and Juan scoffs. Pao translates as Juan trashes their relationship and says, among other awful things, that she’s only with Russ because she needed a visa. When Russ tries to defend himself and their relationship (maybe saying that he was helping Pao “better” herself wasn’t the best way to do that, but–oh, well), Pao gets angry at Russ and says she doesn’t want to be in the middle of Russ and Juan’s argument.

Let me break this down for you, girl. YOU are the one that insisted Russ get together with Juan. YOU are the one translating while your snarky little bitch of a friend repeatedly insults your husband. YOU are the one who burst into laughter when your friend said you only married your husband for a green card. And you think RUSS is putting you in the middle? You need to take your whorish outfits, your bad dye job, your magenta lipstick, and your cheap, skanky self back to Colombia with Juan. Bye, Felicia.

Chantal and Pedro

Chantal’s parents are moving so she and Pedro are going to their house to help them pack. Chantal wants to her family to see what a hard worker Pedro is and that he is making an effort to get to know them better. Her parents are gracious as always, but River is the true target of this mission. He remains reluctant to attend Chantal and Pedro’s wedding in the DR, but after Pedro tells him, at Chantal’s urging, that he wants River to be there, River relents and agrees to go because he wants his sister to be happy.

Chantal takes a skeptical Pedro out for sushi. He’s never had it before and she appreciates that he agreed to try her favorite food. Chantal’s friends want to throw her a bachelor party and she wants Pedro’s blessing. He wasn’t happy with her behavior the last time she was at the club (what guy wouldn’t be happy seeing his drunk fiance grind all over other men?), and doesn’t trust her friends to keep her in check. He’s not entirely on board with it, but agrees that Chantal should have her bachelorette party. She, in turn, thinks it would be a great idea if his friends in the DR threw him a bachelor party once they get there. It’s nice to see one of these couples display maturity and mutual respect during a potentially fractious discussion.

Chantal goes to meet her friends and what ensues is yet another basic bachelorette party, complete with sash, tiara and sex toy gifts. Seen one, you’ve seen ’em all.