Jorge and Anfisa

Jorge has cancelled his meeting with the lawyers and is returning to Anfisa after her epic meltdown. He’s disappointed because he wanted to talk to them about transferring his assets to make it harder for Anfisa to get her greedy paws on them. Anfisa may be a psycho, but Jorge is one shady mfer. He returns to the apartment, where Anfisa refuses to let the cameras in. Jorge returns to his car fifteen minutes later with his suitcase. Anfisa has kicked him out so he’s headed to a hotel. Alone in his room, he explains that he’s cut ties with his friends and family (because they can’t stand Anfisa), so he doesn’t have anyone to turn to. Jorge has only himself to blame for this.

During a sleepless night, Jorge came to the realization that he might bear some of the responsibility for Anfisa’s behavior. What a sap this guy is! He shows up at the apartment with 99 roses (in Russia, even numbers are only for funerals), and Anfisa is calm as she lets him in and listens to his apology. She has to bust his balls a little bit before she lets him off the hook, so she asks him where he’s been and tells him he should have tried harder to get in touch with her (even though her phone was turned off–you can’t argue with crazy). He asks her what happened and she explains that she got mad because he told her he would be back in a minute but took off instead. This is the thing about Anfisa–it is reasonable for her to be angry about this, especially since her main problem with Jorge (other than that he’s broke) is that he’s a liar, and this is just another small lie within a pattern of bigger lies. Her reaction, however, is not reasonable. It is not merely unreasonable, it is indicative of a significant mental health issue.

Anfisa admits that she overreacted and takes some responsibility for their fight. She asks Jorge if he’s going to do something like that again and he says he won’t. Since she put the fear of God into him I suspect he’s telling the truth. Anfisa forgives him and he carries her into the bedroom. Just yuck.

Anfisa and Jorge are in the car getting ready to leave for her green card interview. They are fighting. She screams at him to get her makeup bag out of the apartment and throws the keys at him. On the way to the interview she tells him, with a straight face, that it’s very important to get her green card so she can leave him. Jorge thinks this a joke. Just like he thought it was a joke when she told him that she was only with him for his money. Cameras are not allowed inside the USCIS office, but after a short time Jorge and Anfisa emerge with the news that she’s been approved. Jorge says getting through the line at the Apple store takes longer than a green card interview. That explains a lot about how Mohamed got his green card.

Now that Anfisa has her green card she wants to get a driver’s license. Jorge is not comfortable with the thought of giving her the keys to ANY car. Neither is every other motorist in the greater LA area. He says she’s a crazy driver, and then something so unexpected happens it’s like finding an electric can opener in the middle of the Dothraki Sea. Anfisa makes a joke! In response to Jorge calling her a crazy driver, she says she’s just plain crazy. And then she laughs! She must be giddy with the prospect of leaving Jorge in the dust now that she has her green card.

Loren and Alexei

After the stress of the great bachelorette party caper, Loren and Alexei are having a date night. His mother is coming into town and he’s looking forward to having some good meals while she’s there. Loren admits that homemaking is not her forte, and since she’s not working right now she wants to find something meaningful to do with her life. She thinks that will be sharing her own struggle with others, so she’s meeting with the Tourette’s Society of America to see if there’s a way she can do that.

The people at the Tourette’s Society are impressed with Loren and think she would make an excellent ambassador. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Tourette’s is hereditary. This is especially bad news because not only have Loren’s parents lied to her her entire life by telling her it wasn’t passed down, when Alexei’s parents asked about it they lied to them too. If Alexei was upset about Loren lying to him about some strippers at a stupid bachelorette party, imagine how upset he’ll be when he finds out that her parents lied to his parents about Tourette’s being hereditary? He should worry less about Tourette’s and more about whether habitual lying is hereditary.

Instead of sitting her husband down to discuss a serious issue that could affect their future children like an adult, Loren drops this bomb on Alexei while they’re making their bed like she’s telling him they’re out of milk. She immediately tries to sugarcoat it, telling him it’s just a chance, and everyone is different, blah, blah, blah, and that since his mother is coming into town she thought he should know. This is how profoundly immature, cowardly and sneaky Loren is. I truly believe that if his parents hadn’t asked–and been lied to–about it, she would just keep this information to herself and cross her fingers that her and Alexei’s children wouldn’t have Tourette’s. I’m starting to think Alexei, as someone who appreciates honesty, would have been better off marrying Anfisa. Better yet, he should have stayed in Israel with his family and married a woman who was worthy of him.

Alexei is understandably taken aback at this news and wants to research it himself. In about 2 seconds he finds out that the chances of passing it down to children are fifty percent. When he says he’s concerned about this, Loren of course goes into victim mode, but her logic is flawed. She’s upset with Alexei because he has concerns about whether their children may inherit Tourette’s. She thinks he’s being insensitive because he’s the only man, other than her father, to whom she’s opened up about having a disease she’s struggled with her whole life. Alexei knows how having Tourette’s has negatively impacted Loren’s life, so he is concerned that his children might have the same challenges. Loren is too childish and selfish to see that Alexei’s reaction is not an indictment of her, but rather an indication of his understanding of what she’s been through.

Alexei clarifies that he will love his children no matter what, but doesn’t want them to have Tourette’s. Loren, in perhaps her very first moment of insight and maturity, says that if their children have Tourette’s, she’ll be there for them in a way no one was there for her. Good for her. Another hurdle for Loren and Alexei has been cleared.

Danielle and Mohamed

Danielle is moving into her new trailer and continuing to torture her daughters by pining over Mohamed. She wishes her new boyfriend was there to help with the move, but he’s out of state. Out of state being Somalia. Can this woman go a day without trolling for men on the internet? Mohamed is back in Miami and on a day date with a girl named Diamond. I thought the only people named Diamond were nocturnal creatures unable to exist outside strip clubs, back alleys or Times Square circa 1978. I stand corrected.

Mohamed stupidly puts a picture of him and Diamond on social media, so of course Danielle freaks out and calls him. It’s the same conversation they always have except for when her stalwart friend Beth takes the phone and tells Mohamed to go back to his “family goat.” Danielle vows (again) to make Mohamed pay for his philandering ways.

Russ and Paola, the world’s most mismatched couple

Paola is pointing out the wonders of Miami as she and Russ stroll to the beach. Russ says he’s going to be open-minded, but he knows he’s out of his element. Evidenced by the fact that he’s wearing a long-sleeved flannel shirt to the beach. Before they even get there, Russ hassles Pao about her revealing garb (has he met his wife?) and yells at some guy for checking her out. So we’re off to a good start with that open mind thing.

The minute they settle on the sand, Russ starts to lecture Pao about making money and paying bills and all the mundane things that consume Russ’ life and that Pao cares nothing about. She tells him that to “help her” he may need to take a job as a bartender. The man’s an engineer. He needs to tend bar in a city he hates so his wife can go clubbing with her amigas and pretend to be a model? She just needs to meet a nice Yayo dealer and get on with it.

Pao and Russ are meeting her friends for drinks. Two out of the three have the same bad blonde dye jobs as Paola–didn’t her “agent” tell her to go out and spend $450 to bleach her hair so she could stand out from all the brunettes? I guess her friends have the same agent. After a round of tequila shots, Pao turns her back to Russ and, ignoring him, chats with her friends in Spanish. When they start talking about her bitchy friend Juan, she looks over her shoulder at him to see his reaction, and he says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” That, in a nutshell, is Russ and Pao’s relationship. Pao and her friends keep yammering away, making fun of Russ’ cowboy boots, slamming Oklahoma, etc. until Pao turns to him and tells him she forgets he’s there sometimes. That’s nice. Russ can tell Pao is in her element, but thinks couples need to find a place where both can be happy and is concerned Miami is not that place for him. Why are these two even trying? It’s maddening.

The next morning Pao and Russ are drinking champagne. Pao says she’s looking a little messy after what he “did to her last night.” Yuck. Why is she always wearing that drab olive color? Russ asks what they should do today and she breaks the news that Juan is in town. Even though Juan hates Russ and Russ hates Juan, Pao thinks it would be a good idea to get them together. Russ is afraid that Juan’s presence will bring out “party Pao” and shockingly he doesn’t like that side of her. Does he like ANY side of her? Does he even KNOW any side of her? Pao tells Russ that he needs to try to get along with Juan so everyone can be happy. Russ agrees, but he’s skeptical.

Russ and Pao meet Juan and his boyfriend Christian for drinks. As soon as they take their seats the night goes down the drain. Pao compliments Juan and Christian’s outfits and tells them they need to help Russ change his style. Juan calls Russ fat, Russ says it’s muscle, and Juan scoffs. Pao translates as Juan trashes their relationship and says, among other awful things, that she’s only with Russ because she needed a visa. When Russ tries to defend himself and their relationship (maybe saying that he was helping Pao “better” herself wasn’t the best way to do that, but–oh, well), Pao gets angry at Russ and says she doesn’t want to be in the middle of Russ and Juan’s argument.

Let me break this down for you, girl. YOU are the one that insisted Russ get together with Juan. YOU are the one translating while your snarky little bitch of a friend repeatedly insults your husband. YOU are the one who burst into laughter when your friend said you only married your husband for a green card. And you think RUSS is putting you in the middle? You need to take your whorish outfits, your bad dye job, your magenta lipstick, and your cheap, skanky self back to Colombia with Juan. Bye, Felicia.

Chantal and Pedro

Chantal’s parents are moving so she and Pedro are going to their house to help them pack. Chantal wants to her family to see what a hard worker Pedro is and that he is making an effort to get to know them better. Her parents are gracious as always, but River is the true target of this mission. He remains reluctant to attend Chantal and Pedro’s wedding in the DR, but after Pedro tells him, at Chantal’s urging, that he wants River to be there, River relents and agrees to go because he wants his sister to be happy.

Chantal takes a skeptical Pedro out for sushi. He’s never had it before and she appreciates that he agreed to try her favorite food. Chantal’s friends want to throw her a bachelor party and she wants Pedro’s blessing. He wasn’t happy with her behavior the last time she was at the club (what guy wouldn’t be happy seeing his drunk fiance grind all over other men?), and doesn’t trust her friends to keep her in check. He’s not entirely on board with it, but agrees that Chantal should have her bachelorette party. She, in turn, thinks it would be a great idea if his friends in the DR threw him a bachelor party once they get there. It’s nice to see one of these couples display maturity and mutual respect during a potentially fractious discussion.

Chantal goes to meet her friends and what ensues is yet another basic bachelorette party, complete with sash, tiara and sex toy gifts. Seen one, you’ve seen ’em all.