It’s too bad Thomas is too much of a gentleman to make good on his threat to divulge some deep dark secret about Kathryn that will preclude her from ever working again. Or, I assume, ever seeing her children again. The whole cast protects her, and even though I know it’s in the best interest of Kensie and Saint to do so, it’s maddening. At least Thomas’ threat shuts her up for half a second, before Andy changes the subject to Kathryn and Jennifer’s lunch. It is a testament to Kathryn’s narcissism and/or sociopathy that she can actually sit there and try to justify her behavior by talking in circles about Jennifer using her son’s condition to trap Kathryn into looking bad. Jennifer, incredulous, listens to this nonsense for as long as she can before cutting her off and emphatically stating that she would never use her son to manipulate someone, and that Kathryn should know that about her.

Like a cornered rat, Kathryn knows she’s not going win this one, so she sidesteps Jennifer’s statement and once again plays the victim card. “I just don’t want any negativity. I just want the people who have hurt me to support me now.” Jennifer points out that Kathryn has hurt her too, and Kathryn says she knows she has but she apologized for it at that lunch. She most certainly did not–her behavior at that lunch was atrocious from start to finish–and Jennifer calls her on it. Kathryn snivels that it’s not her fault, because she still has a hard time knowing how to react in difficult situations.  What a fucking victim. Craig of course falls for this act and asks if this is because of issues stemming from rehab. Just keep feeding the beast Craig, you moron. At this point Andy should just throw his hands up, accept the fact that everything out of Kathryn’s mouth is a lie, and ignore her for the rest of the show. But of course he won’t.

He asks if Kathryn and Jennifer can be friends again and incredibly they both say they would like to. After everything Jennifer has been through with this horrible girl, why would she ever come near her again?

We exchange Jennifer for Whitney, and please let this signal a break from the Kathryn show. Andy reads viewer comments commending T-Dad, and Andy asks about his house. At first Thomas thought that ensconcing his children in what he calls his “downtown compound” would protect them, but he’s since realized they need a more kid-friendly environment and has put the downtown house up for sale. Even though it has nothing to do with her, the camera pans to Kathryn as she works up some fake tears and Craig encourages this performance by rubbing her arm. I hate Craig. Andy’s just as bad. He interrupts his line of questioning to turn to Kathryn and say, “This is not easy for you to hear.” Martyr Kathryn whimpers that she’s fine. QUIT INDULGING THIS SHAMELESS GIRL!!

Back to Thomas, and the internet hate he got for revealing that the kids live in the guesthouse.  People are so pedestrian. Whitney, Thomas and Landon all point out that the main house had several floors, a ton of railings, and was like a museum. If he’d had them in the main house people would have been castigating him over how dangerous it was for children. At least he seems not to care what people think. I think he knows that most Americans don’t understand his heritage and lifestyle and takes their opinions with a grain of salt.

It’s difficult for Thomas to date in Charleston. He’s like Goldilocks–the women are either too young, too old, or the all the good ones leave for cities like Atlanta or Washington. His perfect woman would be between 35 and 39, and apparently “good” women in his target age group are like needles in a polo pony barn. Everyone cringes as Thomas stands up and asks Andy if it looks like he’s lost his mojo.

Shep’s comments to Landon at her website launch party still don’t sit well with Landon. She explains that the Yacht Me guys invited her to Nantucket with the understanding that they would book her a hotel room, but when she got there she was expected to stay on a boat with three grown men whom she didn’t know. The thought made her uncomfortable, so she booked her own room and because of that the Yacht Me guys thought she was a bitch. Shep disagrees. He said he was skeptical about reports of her behavior at first because he’s never known her to act that way. He investigated by asking her business partner about it and the business partner corroborated the Yacht Me guys’ story. Shep is probably right in this scenario, but he sees that Landon is still upset, and since he’s a reasonable person who is over it at this point, he apologizes.

On to Landon’s snotty comments about luggage. Instead of digging herself out of the hole, she stands by what she said and–snottily–adds that she wants someone with nice luggage to “travel the world” with. Oh, Landon, you’re so shallow. Cameran points to her husband, who has awful luggage but is a wonderful person. Cameran may be a two-faced shit stirrer, but her priorities are intact when it comes to things that actually matter.

Everyone agrees that Landon shoots herself in the foot with the things she says so it’s easy to misinterpret her motives and label her a golddigger. Someone from Vail writes in, and Landon is ready for it. Apparently it’s an inside joke among pretentious Aspen-lovers with fabulous luggage that Vail is a truckstop so, again, Landon stands by what she said. Shep rolls his eyes and Austen buries his head in his hands.

The Thomas-Landon “romance” is discussed. It really doesn’t bear talking about because everyone knows it was fake. We have to go over the Valentine’s Day weekend debacle again, and I just can’t. Kathryn is delusional and I don’t believe anything happened between Thomas and Landon. And if something did, I don’t care. They’re still friends and just attended a wedding in Santa Barbara over the weekend. Choke on it, Kathryn.

On to Key West. Landon apologizes for the things she said about Kathryn on the beach. I don’t know why she apologized, because everything she said was true. Landon has thus far stood by every inane comment she’s made, but she backs down on this one? I’m disappointed. They replay the dinner where Landon apologized to Kathryn and Kathryn for once makes an astute observation in that she felt that they weren’t being very genuine in Key West, but that’s okay because they both just wanted to get over it and move on. Are you listening Craig? Even a demonic hellcat like Kathryn is a better mediator than you are.

Why did Landon stick up for Kathryn against Thomas in Key West? As we already know, she was turned off by Thomas’ needling of the already volatile Kathryn, and saw what she would be in for if she ended up with Thomas. She was already married to a man who used his wealth and power to control her, and she doesn’t want to be in that situation again. Kathryn is grateful to Landon for going “out on a whim” for her, and Austen stifles a laugh at her malapropism. Thomas points out that Landon was late so she missed Kathryn’s opening salvo and only witnessed Thomas’ counterattack. Maybe, but can everyone just agree that Thomas and Kathryn’s relationship is so dysfunctional that we’re exhausted by it and just don’t care anymore?

Chelt-sea joins the stage and tells Andy that it was harder to watch herself on Southern Charm than it was on Survivor, because the former was more personal. She’s known Shep for ten years and he hasn’t changed a bit–in fact, he may have gotten a little worse. Chelt-sea really enjoys sober Shep, but she doesn’t get to see much of him. She explained to Cameran at one point that while Cameran sees lunch date Shep or coffee date Shep, Chelt-sea really only sees “late night Shepster.” Shep says that he didn’t get a chance to show her lunchtime Shep because by the time he got back to town after the wedding he attended, Austen was already moving in. Chelt-sea counters that Shep had ten years to show her another side of him and didn’t, so…too bad.

There’s nothing interesting about the Shep-Austen-Chelt-sea triangle conversation except for Cameran trying to say that she had no idea that Austen was pursuing Chelt-sea while she was trying to hook her up with Shep, and EVERYONE calls her out on it. A viewer writes in to accuse of Chelt-sea of playing Austen and Shep against each other and Kathryn chimes in to say that Chelt-sea is being held to a double standard. Women can date around just like men do, and shouldn’t be questioned for it. This is an attempt to somehow draw a correlation between her and Chelt-sea. Chelt-sea was casually dating one guy while half-heartedly fending off another guy’s advances; Kathryn slept with three cast members within a couple of weeks to secure a place on this show. There is no comparison, so don’t try to use Chelt-sea’s actions to whitewash your own whorish behavior.

Now we have to discuss Commodore-gate. Shep admits grabbing Chelt-sea and trying to kiss her was uncool, but says he was confused because both of them swore they weren’t dating, and Cameran kept trying to push him toward Chelt-sea. Still not cool, but maybe there’s a little mitigation there. Come on–Cameran told Shep that women like to be “hunted.” How antiquated is that? She also defends him by saying his caveman tactics work on 99.9% of women, so how can he be blamed when the .1% rejects him? Apparently in Charleston women are prey and men are Pavlov’s dogs.

Andy points out that at the time Shep also thought that there was something going on between Landon and Austen, and we have to watch the clip of Landon draping herself all over Austen at the hunting lodge. A viewer points out that she did the same thing in Key West. Landon says that’s just her personality and she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Landon also believes there is no girl code, so I guess anything goes with her.

Ugh, back to Commodore-gate and the guys’ night that turned into a debacle. Whitney thinks it’s no big deal because, “hey, it’s Shep.” Chelt-sea thinks this is no excuse for Shep’s entitlement and Austen agrees. They are no longer together, but both of them seem open to the possibility.

Andy asks about Shep’s flight from Key West to Charleston. Craig takes credit for keeping Shep from getting arrested and Austen can’t believe Shep got through airport security. This isn’t Shep’s first time at the rodeo, fellas–he simply relied on his go-to philosophy: Keep your mouth shut and your head down. When the issue of Shep’s happiness is brought up, he says he’s got a great family and great friends, that life is a series of peak and valleys and he’s ok with that. Craig takes this broad statement and attacks Shep, asking if that’s his philosophy, why can’t he just let Craig be who he is? Huh? What does Shep’s current state of mind regarding his own life have to do with Craig’s pathetic need for constant approval?

Shep points out that while he is introspective and can admit there are some things he can work on, Craig is delusional because he is always “killing it.” Craig says he IS killing it, and who would question his own assessment that he is killing it? Shep replies that everyone around him questions it, and here we see deeply into Craig’s simple and shallow outlook on life. Craig doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, because he’s the only one that matters. That’s why, according to Shep, Craig wants to surround himself with people who treat him with kid gloves and will never question his opinions or actions. Shep doesn’t think it’s a good idea to go through life only hearing how great you are–that’s how you end up like Kim Jong-un or Trump (or Craig). Craig jumps in to defend Trump because he mistakenly thinks that Shep has just called Trump a bully. Let me just say that again–Craig jumps in to DEFEND TRUMP. Shep corrects him and says that he wasn’t calling Trump a bully–he was calling him a little child who throws a tantrum every time someone tells him something he doesn’t want to hear. Craig still doesn’t get it and thinks Shep is just saying these hurtful things to him because he is a miserable alcoholic who can’t stand to see Craig happy. How did Craig ever get through law school? He completely misses the point of every conversation.

They argue about who’s the drunk asshole until Andy can’t take it anymore and says everyone’s a drunk asshole. Kathryn of course has to draw attention to herself by saying that Craig and Shep remind her of herself and Thomas when they fight. This has nothing to do with you Kathryn. Just sit there in your inappropriate gown and shut up.

Andy turns it back to Kathryn and Thomas–God, is this almost over?!–and asks why Thomas invited her to Saint’s birthday party. He says it was because of the letter she sent him–he could tell it was her handwriting and that she was in a good place, so he felt fairly certain there would be no emotional outbursts at the party. And then I have to hit pause to go throw up because Andy comments on how Thomas and Kathryn still have so much chemistry. Craig cosigns this creepy and sickening observation, and Andy asks if there is any chance they’ll get back together. I can’t even blame Kathryn for hijacking the conversation this time–it’s all Andy, and again I ask, why does he indulge this girl? Thomas says he walked into Republic one night and saw a beautiful woman sitting there (swilling drinks, no doubt). When he realized it was Kathryn, he turned around and walked out. That’s the smartest thing Thomas has done in a LONG time.

It’s time to wrap it up–finally! Would Craig have graduated law school if it hadn’t been for Shep and Naomie pushing him? He insists he would have and the cast collectively coughs, “bullshit.” Austen is dating, Landon’s website is starting to make money, but she’s obtained her real estate license and plans to work for her father. Cameran is sure she’ll still find time to mother her “man babies” once she has her real baby, Thomas’ father is happy when he can read the entire paper and find no mention of Thomas, Kathryn would tell “naive” Season 1 Kathryn not to believe everything people tell you, and Shep’s new show is previewed.

It’s over, thank God.

Kathryn Dennis is a monster. The end.

Just kidding-she IS a monster, but she is also a delightful source of schadenfreude, tarted up like Charo if Charo had been styled by Pennywise the Clown (and exemplifying Mammy’s observation that you can dress up a mule in Marchesa couture, but it’s still a mule in a horse’s harness).

We begin with footage of the cast members arriving and getting ready for their close-ups. Kathryn looks like Vampira in a shirt by Lestat for Old Navy and that garish red hair. While sitting in the makeup chair, Shep says he feels emasculated. Cut to Craig, who mumble-whines that he likes to get pretty. Of course.

Professional ass-kisser and softball thrower Andy Cohen greets the cast, pointing out that Craig is now a real lawyer and complimenting Kathryn’s hair. Kathryn says (for the millionth time this season) that it’s “a new Kathryn.” This statement is a harbinger for the utter bullshit that will spew from her mouth over the ensuing hour.  Shep’s floating enzyme has escaped, Thomas enjoys his role as Mr. Mom, Cameran is pregnant with a baby girl, Landon’s dog is doing well at puppy camp, and Andy enjoyed seeing Austen’s butt on camera. Andy is a lech, but at least he’s upfront about it.

There is a brief discussion about Shep’s statement regarding Craig’s inability to get laid. Craig doth protest too much denies this, and Shep points out that sometimes Craig just likes to sleep in beds with girls without doing anything sexual. When asked how he knows so much about Craig’s bedtime activities, Shep explains that, Kristen Doute-like, he does some sleuthing in his spare time. Maybe Kristen should be one of the ladies vying for Shep’s love on his new spinoff. Imagine the field day she would have stalking his social media!

Cameran denies that she got pregnant to please her husband, and said she realized that even though she’s not one of those women who yearns for motherhood, it would be selfish of her to live her life without bringing a child into the world. Ostensibly because doing so would deprive said child of the amazing father her husband will be. She says her maternal instinct probably won’t kick in until the baby is put into her arms. Craig actually makes an astute observation and says that Cameran was more afraid of being pregnant than of being a mother. Cameran agrees. Vain much? Andy turns to Dr. Kathryn Spock to get her take on it (why does he indulge this person??!!), who says that “whenever” they put the child in her arms, she will feel an overwhelming rush of motherly love.

This brings me to a grammatical point that has been bothering me for some time. Kathryn incorrectly uses “whenever” instead of “when” in sentences. As in, she thinks Saint was like Thomas “whenever” Thomas was a child. This may be a generational tic, because Brittany from Vanderpump Rules does it too.  But generational tic or not, it is incorrect and signals, in the words of Patricia Altschul, the end of western civilization.

Although Cameran found Craig’s gift of the embroidered onesie to be endearing, Thomas points out that she said she would not be inclined to have sex with her husband if he puttered around on a sewing machine like Craig. Andy asks the cast what line of work they think Craig should go into, and Shep says that since Craig loves to pontificate and lawyers charge by the hour, the law would be a cash cow for him. Amazingly, instead of pouting like a little bitch, Craig laughs at this observation. Maybe there’s hope for Craig yet.

Andy asks whether Craig’s belated graduation from law school and passing of the bar mitigate the whopping lie he perpetuated for the last few years.  Erudite Shep, quoting Marmion, explains that every time the subject of the bar exam came up Craig had to compound his original lie with more lies, thus ensnaring everyone in his tangled web. Slimy Craig says he thought he could “fix it” before anyone found out.  Shep counters by saying that friendship is not just for the good times, and Craig could have been honest with him. Andy asks Shep if he thinks his advice to Craig was brotherly or douchey.  Shep doesn’t know, but he tries to be a good friend and doesn’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. Both Landon and Craig object to this statement, and Craig says that if Shep’s not in the parade, no one can have a parade. Thomas interjects to say that Shep is a straight shooter and Craig did not properly appreciate his advice. Score one for Thomas.

Andy next brings up Craig’s meddling ways. He points first to the polo match where Craig threw a hissy fit when Thomas didn’t drop everything to say goodbye to his children, then correctly observes that Craig stuck his nose in everyone’s business all season long. Cameran says this is because Craig is a girl and a drama queen, and it is refreshing to see her call someone out to his face instead of behind his back. This triggers a discussion of Craig’s mediation “skillz,” and everyone laughs as Shep explains that Craig can never find the right words (or make a valid point) and invariably does more harm than good. Craig tries to justify hitting Shep during the finale by deflecting that because Shep was drunk he deserved to be “deadlegged.” Is Craig in third grade? If you’re going to assault someone, do it like a man–don’t wait until recess to punch that person in the leg then run to the teacher and say he deserved it because he was denouncing your prowess as a mediator.

Andy brings up Naomie’s less than enthusiastic attitude toward Craig’s meddling. Her second-guessing him was confusing to Craig, because if she doesn’t like him, why is she with him? Shep says that if your partner can’t call you out on things, who can? Shep is right. Clearly Craig was raised with the ‘you get a trophy and a lollipop for showing up’ philosophy and cannot stomach anyone questioning him. The inability to engage in self-reflection is unbecoming in adults, and not only is Craig unable to do it, he erupts into petulant outrage at the mere suggestion that he might benefit from it.

Naomie takes the stage and they discuss how Craig won her heart by basically dipping her pigtail into the inkwell until he wore her down and she finally went out with him. This directly refutes Craig’s assertion at the beginning of Season 3 that he was sitting in his bedroom office in Maryland and she texted him out of the blue. Yet another lie. Regarding the great cheese vs. oral sex debate, Craig took a women’s studies class in college where the professor posed that question. Thinking it was the best question he’d ever heard and unable to come up with an original thought (that isn’t a misrepresentation about his own life), he posed it at the dinner table. Craig loves cheese. So does Naomie. Of course she does–she’s French. Moving on.

We are treated to a montage of Craig’s abominable treatment of Naomie throughout the season. (Ex.: “You may speak, child.”) A viewer writes in to say that Naomie should not speak, she should RUN. Exactly. They discuss the ups and mostly downs of Craig and Naomie’s relationship, and Naomie, who is incredibly articulate, says she is proud they showed the bad along with the (scintilla) of good. She makes the insightful observation that social media is filled with stunning accomplishments and shiny vacation pictures, and if that is all people see, they may feel insecure about their own lives. So true! I have always said that Facebook is like a 365-day Christmas card, and I take everything that is posted on that site with a grain of salt. One year my Dad, fed up with all the perfect family reports, decided to send a REAL Christmas card, wherein he revealed that I had flunked out of college and he had to pick my sister up at the police station after she got arrested for underage drinking. He may be a bitter curmudgeon, but he is my hero.

Anyway, Craig and Naomie have a joke that he wants a ride-or-die girl, and instead he has a girl that asks where they are riding and why do they have to die. These two are polar opposites. Why are they still together? Andy sickeningly commends Kathryn for the relationship advice she gave to Naomie, and thus the hogwash begins. If Kathryn had it to do over again, she would keep her relationship with Thomas private–hard to do when you put it, and all its glorious dysfunction, on a reality show. She blames the demise of their relationship on Varys’ little birds whispering in his ear, telling him she was too young (and crass, and embarrassing), inappropriate (obviously), and out partying (she was). She says the same thing she says all the time–nobody knows her, so they assume she’s a gold digger. Newsflash Kathryn: the only person who doesn’t see you for what you are is you. You are not some enigmatic, misunderstood creature. You are transparent, disingenuous and toxic. Everyone “knows” you–you were a gold digger when it came to Thomas, and when that didn’t work out, you began to feign interest in your children in order to pimp them out for a payday for yourself. That’s who you are, so just own it.

We talk about Austen for a few minutes, and I just don’t care.

Shep has found a beach house, so he is no longer living downtown. The difference in lifestyle is palpable; instead of hitting the bars and after-partying until 6 am, Shep now just day drinks and stays out until the beach bars close at 11 pm. Charleston is a drinkin’ town, y’all. Andy mocks Shep’s attempt at clean living, and Shep offers a mea culpa for clowning around in yoga class. He didn’t know how humorless and judgmental yoga people can be (my words, not his). Now he does. Cameran thinks Shep’s drinking is scary because he turns into a different person at some point. Shep admits that it was not easy to see himself still passed out in bed at 1 pm, his house littered with party detritus, and hopes that he can change his ways.

It’s time for the Kathryn show. Andy has never been more full of shit than when he kicks off this segment by calling Kathryn’s stint in rehab “successful,” and saying how nice it was to see her doing “better than ever” after all her “hard work.” Every man, woman and child on earth, every goat, every jungle creature, and every one-celled, sightless organism at the bottom of the ocean rolled their eyes at this moment. Only dogs refrained, because they are loving beings that believe in the good in everyone.

Everyone squirms as Kathryn lies that she’s been sober for, like, eight months. Sober people can tell you the exact date they became sober. She calls the proliferation of reports to the contrary “fake news.” Kathryn is not sober. She is not in recovery. It is obvious by their reactions that the entire cast knows this. Why do they let her get away with it?

Andy asks about her behavior at the Season 3 reunion, and instead of admitting that she was as high as a kite (like a person in recovery would), Kathryn blames it on a panic attack.  In rehab, Kathryn says she learned that she was driven to do the things she did because she was so critical of herself. Please. Kathryn is a narcissist writ large. She has never been critical of herself at any time, in any situation, ever. To the contrary, she sees nothing wrong with her monstrous behavior, evidenced by her confusion at not being invited to the flamingo party in Season 3. “What have I done?” she indignantly asks Jennifer Snowden. Um, what have you done? For starters, flew at Whitney in an unprovoked psychotic rage on Jekyll Island, threw a titanic tantrum at the Wounded Warriors Project party, disrupted Thomas’ election night party before yelling at Landon to “fuck off,” shamelessly used your child and pregnancy to manipulate Thomas for personal gain…and those are just the things we saw on the show.

Andy asks why Kathryn reacted the way she did when her failed drug test was mentioned during the Season 3 reunion. She claims it was because that information was supposed to be confined to sealed court documents. Andy points out that it was in the press. Kathryn says Landon leaked it by bringing it up at the reunion. That is a lie. When every single one of God’s creatures call her on that lie, Kathryn changes her tune by saying that no one should have “legally known” about the failed drug test, and falling back on her go-to victim role, wonders why everyone is “attacking her.”

Why did Landon say Kathryn only went to rehab to find a rich boyfriend? Because that’s what she thinks. She refers to Kathryn’s Instagram post from “rehab” with some shirtless guy in a motel parking let. Kathryn tries to gaslight Landon by asking her if she knows where the picture was taken, who the guy was, and if she saw Kathryn in the picture. Landon says no, but asks why would Kathryn post it if the picture had nothing to do with her, because, duh. Trying a different tactic, Kathryn asks Landon why she is attacking her “journey” and her “recovery.” Because Landon, like everyone else, knows that she’s not in recovery and that her “journey” is a fabricated storyline.

Andy asks why Kathryn ordered a margarita in Key West if she’s in recovery, and Kathryn says she “didn’t take a sip” of it. And yet she said on the show that it was salty, so, lie. Shep points out that she and Craig stayed up partying on the beach that same night and Kathryn sees that she is backed into a corner. She admits that she was drinking at the time because her sobriety is for–get this–marijuana. Even Andy is skeptical. Has anyone ever in the history of the world gone to rehab for marijuana? And Kathryn? If you are trying to sell some story that you are in recovery, try pretending that you know being sober means being sober–it doesn’t mean indulging in other mind-altering substances while you are abstaining from your drug of choice.

The violins tune up in the background as Andy brings up the scene after the photo shoot where Kensie is crying. Kensie was crying because she was tired and it was transition time. And if Kathryn had acted like a mother and comforted the child instead of behaving like a baby herself, maybe Kensie would have quieted down sooner.  Cue the tears as Kathryn says she thought about her children all during rehab, and imagined how bereft they must be without her. I have to give Kathryn credit–she is a stellar sociopath when she wants to be. She knows every cheap heartstring-pulling trick in the book and never hesitates to use them. As her crocodile tears fall, copycat Craig pulls out his pocket square and hands it to her. The irony is not lost on anyone as she takes it.

Poor Kathryn doesn’t have a very large support system because she has to keep her circle close (because the fewer people who see her smoking meth, the better it will be for her custody battle). Thomas advises her that maybe if she wasn’t so distrustful of people’s motives, she would have a larger support system. Kathryn is distrustful because throughout her difficult journey as a naive single mother, people have been unkind to her. This is laughable. Other people are mean? This coming from a vicious guttersnipe who has no compunction about going below the belt faster than you can light a crack pipe.

Landon is inexplicably crying in reaction to Kathryn’s story. Who is Landon right now?

Here we go with handkerchief-gate. Enter both Jennifer Snowden and the real Kathryn. Jennifer looks great! Her son Ascher is doing well and meeting all his benchmarks–how truly wonderful. Kathryn lies that her tantrum over the handkerchief was not based on immaturity or pettiness (um, right)–it was because it signified that Jennifer valued Thomas’ friendship over Kathryn’s. Of course she does–who wouldn’t? Jennifer explains–again–that it wasn’t like her loyalties shifted and she and Thomas were hanging out behind Kathryn’s back at that time. She merely accepted a handkerchief from him because she was crying. Unable to refute this logic (because it’s logical), Kathryn draws on what she thinks is her ace in the hole and says that Jennifer’s loyalties did indeed shift because of what happened a month ago. And Jennifer proceeds to kill it.

Jennifer explains that Kathryn is referring to the fact that Jennifer was subpoena’d by Thomas’ attorneys to testify in Thomas and Kathryn’s custody case. Kathryn accuses her of lying during her deposition and Jennifer asks, “Are you insinuating that I lied under oath?”

“Perhaps I am,” says Kathryn. Kathryn can’t grasp the concept that someone would tell the truth under oath because she has no code of honor and would think nothing of committing perjury.  Andy asks what Jennifer testified about and Kathryn tries to cut her off by saying they can’t talk about the custody case. Jennifer warns, “I’m not under your gag order.” That shuts Kathryn up for a moment before she tells Jennifer to go ahead and talk. Yes, PLEASE Jennifer, talk! Tell us for a fact that the despicable things we have all read that Kathryn has done throughout her pregnancies and as a “mother” are true! But Jennifer has too much class for that, and declines to air Thomas and Kathryn’s dirty laundry in this forum. When Andy asks her if she believes she told the truth during her deposition, Jennifer corrects him, saying she doesn’t “believe” she told the truth–she told the truth. YES, Jennifer!

Victim Kathryn reappears and tells Jennifer how hurtful it was to listen to her respond to Thomas’ attorneys’ questions. Jennifer points out that Kathryn’s attorney could also have asked her questions, but he didn’t. I really can’t stomach hearing Kathryn say that Jennifer’s assertion that Thomas is a good father was troubling to her because she wants to protect her “babies.” Do not get me started. If everything the blogs have reported about Kathryn’s parenting are true, she not only gives zero fucks about protecting her babies, she couldn’t care less if they suffer lifelong consequences because of her selfish choices.

Kathryn tells Jennifer that since she’s a mother, she should understand how difficult things are for Kathryn. Jennifer counters that Kathryn should understand a lot more than she does and she needs to start by looking in the mirror. Before Kathryn can go off again on how she has looked in a mirror and how hard that has been for her, Jennifer dismisses that notion by pointing out that Kathryn is still sitting there, taking no accountability and pointing her finger at everyone else. Finally! Maybe the rest of the cast was waiting for Jennifer to come out in her shining armor and take Kathryn to task.

Jennifer brings up the rumor about her son’s parentage that Kathryn was spreading. Kathryn says she was “merely” repeating that there was a question about it. How specious of her. Jennifer nails it by telling Kathryn that yes, she chose her words carefully in perpetuating that rumor, because she knew exactly what she was doing and didn’t want to look culpable. Kathryn doesn’t know what culpable means. Either that, or she recognized that Jennifer just nailed her and pretended not to know what culpable meant in order to derail the conversation.

Andy asks Kathryn straight out if she spread a rumor that Thomas was the father of Jennifer’s baby and if she thinks it’s true. Kathryn just shrugs her shoulders. She’s totally innocent. She’s a MOTHER! She didn’t spread the rumor, she just repeated it. And she was justified in doing it, because one night Thomas spent the night on Jennifer’s couch. God she’s despicable.

Thomas has had enough out of Kathryn, and threatens that if she continues to push, he’ll reveal some truths that will destroy her. Keep pushing, Kathryn!

Jennifer wins this episode, hands down!

I didn’t think anything could be worse than what Kathryn wore to last season’s finale party, but I was wrong. Last year, she dressed up as a latter-day Medusa in her flowing red chiffon cape, white pumps and gold boxer gloves. This year, her attention-seeking getup was a cocktail consisting of one part Prince, one part Little Lord Fauntleroy and two parts Pyat Pree from Game of Thrones.

I truly do not understand what she’s trying to telegraph with her fashion choices. Everything she wears is wrong from head to toe–every single thing.

In Key West, while the guys are playing with water toys and Cameran and Landon are getting massages, Kathryn meets up with Danni and Liz to rehash the previous night’s conversation with Landon. While Danni and Liz are wearing normal beach attire, Kathryn shows up in red lipstick, an old-fashioned blue one-piece and a scarf made out of Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I think she took Whitney’s description of her and Thomas as a low-rent Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton as some kind of compliment, and is attempting to dress the part. Except she looks like Ethel Merman’s interpretation of Liz Taylor as Martha in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Martha was better behaved.

Kathryn doesn’t believe the rapprochement with Landon was genuine, pointing out that Landon’s assertion that she’s never said anything bad about Kathryn was a lie. She’s right, because how could anyone who spends more than a minute in Kathryn’s company NOT say something bad about her? She’s awful. Landon did not come off well this season, but everything she’s ever said about Kathryn is correct.  Kathryn is mentally unsound, she has zero class, she uses her children to manipulate Thomas (and to book modeling gigs), and she doesn’t care about regaining custody of her children except to use that narrative to drum up sympathy for herself. Landon may be a petty snob, but she’s spot-on about Kathryn.

Danni informs Kathryn that Landon had her back in a big way against Thomas at breakfast that morning, but Kathryn is unimpressed. She opines that Landon is “not that deep.” Because Kathryn is a student of Nietzsche in her spare time.

Post massage, Cameran and Landon also discuss Kathryn. Cameran says it was nice of Landon to stick up for her at breakfast that morning, but Landon says that even though she’s glad they made up, she still doesn’t want to be around Kathryn, because you never know what you’re going to get with her. Again, she’s right. Will Kathryn be playing the part of calm and well-behaved Kathryn to further her own agenda, or will that facade crack to reveal the unhinged, screaming banshee that lurks just below the surface? Will she be spouting nonsense about how her old soul recognizes Tennessee Williams’ understanding of human nature (“like, for realz”) or will she demonstrate her grasp of the wisdom of the ages by flipping the finger and calling people nasty motherfuckers? We just never know.

That evening, everyone heads out to dinner as Bagatelle. Is this the same Bagatelle that Ramona ditched Dorinda’s Sandbar excursion for in Miami? Kathryn boards the party bus in some kind of flapper number constructed of multi-colored fringe, a black bra and a white purse. I didn’t get a glimpse of her shoes, but I feel like they were probably the same ill-considered white pumps she wore last year–you know, to match the purse that totally clashes with her outfit.

From the party bus we cut to Kathryn’s talking head, in which she’s wearing a red dress straight out of the Alexis Carrington collection. She just can’t get it right. Cameran looks especially cute. She may be the most two-faced person ever to walk the face of the earth, but she has great style. Landon, JD, Shep and Craig eschew the party bus in favor of scooters. Landon, world-traveler that she is, points out that you can’t go to Key West and not rent mopeds. This is an innocuous statement, but coming from Landon it sounds pretentious.

The party bus contingent arrives at Bagatelle, and Kathryn shanghais Thomas outside for a private conversation. She tries to manipulate him into abandoning the court case and opting for mediation, where they can hopefully come up with a parenting plan. She sounds reasonable in this scene, but Thomas is skeptical. He would love to be able to co-parent with her, but he needs to see her actions back up her words for once. A glimmer of wisdom from Thomas! Too bad it is oh-so-fleeting.

Inside the restaurant, Danni tells Liz she doesn’t feel well then collapses in a faint. This scene has been teased all year, prompting me to wonder why Danni passed out. Was it too much alcohol? The eating disorder? Or a combination of the two? Turns out it was “dehydration,” or that’s the story at least. How disappointing. I hate it when Bravo teases some juicy tidbit only to have it revealed to be a drama-free nonevent. After Danni is taken away in the ambulance, everyone sits down to dinner. Thomas snipes that he wants to sit far away from Landon, and Landon is glad that Thomas’ rudeness gives her another “out” from this pseudo-relationship.

Nothing else really happens at dinner, except that Craig says he would give up oral sex before he would give up cheese, and gives Cameran the onesie he made for her future baby. Former baby-hater Cameran gets emotional and calls Craig a “sweet motherfucker.” Klassy.

The next morning, Chelt-sea and Austen go for a swim in the ocean and Shep is still hammered from the night before. Cameran snarks that for Shep, every day is like groundhog day, and she just hopes he doesn’t get arrested on the way home. Then she pulls Craig aside for one of her famous lectures. Normally Cameran’s smug and that’s right–sanctimonious–advice borders on the insufferable, but this time she’s right when she tells Craig that he needs to be aware of how he speaks to Naomie. She tells him that he comes off looking like the asshole in these situations. He whines that of course he does, but that no one knows how mean Naomie is to him in private–she’s horrible–horrible!–to him, and her words cut him deeply. She didn’t even say good-bye to him when she left Key West (maybe because he was still passed out?) and he’s having a better time without her. He has a point when he says relationships shouldn’t be like this. I hate it when I have to admit Craig isn’t a complete tool 100% of the time.

Back in Charleston, Thomas visits JD. They are both a little worse for the wear after the Key West trip. Thomas has a cup of coffee; JD is drinking bourbon on the rocks. What time is it? Thomas tells JD he is confused by Landon’s about-face concerning Kathryn. So are we. He wants a woman who feels privileged and honored to be with him, and Landon is not that woman. He gave her the chance to date him, but she will never have that opportunity again. Landon, meanwhile, is telling her sister Bam that she doesn’t really want that opportunity, as Thomas’ controlling ways remind her of her ex-husband, and she has no interest in going down that road again. She shows Bam a text from Thomas, which reads, “Once my good opinion is lost, it is lost forever.” This is the only show on Bravo where people actually have enough education to steal a quote from Jane Austen. I love Thomas for likening himself to Mr. D’Arcy, and Landon for texting Lizzie’s response to Mr. D’Arcy in return. Can you imagine Tamra Barney or Porsha Williams or Teresa Giudice ever referring to classic literature to get their point across? Of course you can’t.

Kathryn and Naomie meet up to discuss Craig and Naomie’s relationship. This is the only scene I’ve ever witnessed where Kathryn doesn’t completely monopolize the conversation by complaining about her problems with Thomas or her custody situation. Score a little tiny one for Kathryn. Unfortunately, her hair is once again in a messy, weirdly poofy bun with an attempt at artful tendrils framing her face. Except that instead of artful, they are obvious, and instead of tendrils, they are lank strings that say the whorehouse ran out of bobby pins.

Naomie admits that she has been awful to Craig for the last few months. She feels bad, but everything he does annoys her. Kathryn says that Craig is unhappy with his “career” and is overcompensating by boasting about how awesome he is at the many inconsequential tasks he has undertaken to perform. Naomie thinks that Kathryn is onto something, and reveals that her anger with Craig stems from the fact that she helped him lie about his eligibility to take the bar exam. This is interesting. I always assumed Craig lied to Naomie along with everyone else about the bar exam, and wondered why ANYONE would stay with someone who has such a complete lack of character. That she was complicit clears this up a bit. He lied like a low-down weasel to everyone else in his life, but at least he was honest with her. That’s something, I guess.

At Cameran’s house, her awesome mom Bonnie comes over so Cameran can tell her she’s thrown away her birth control. Bonnie tells Cameran–her daughter!–that she didn’t want kids initially either, but is glad she had them. She tears up as she assures Cameran that bringing a child into the world is a wonderful experience. Okay–can we please be done with this storyline forever? There are a few things I never need to see on Bravo again. Childbearing angst, mothers acting like sending their kids off to college is like sending them to Auschwitz, bikini waxes, and Lisa Vanderpump’s tired jokes about her (lack of a) sex life with Ken. Enough already.

Craig and Naomie talk about their relationship. Naomie tells Craig she feels badly about treating him like shit all the time (even though she double-negatives by qualifying that she’s not saying that he’s not an asshole), and Craig tells her that if they’re going to be in a healthy relationship she needs to pay more attention to his needs. It’s actually a mature conversation and Naomie tells us in her talking head that she doesn’t want to lose Craig. I can’t fathom why not, but she must see something more in him than the sniveling quisling I see.  To each her own.

Kathryn goes to Thomas’ house. They have an insightful conversation about the state of their relationship, and Thomas gives some actual “wonderful words of wisdom” to Kathryn about channeling her explosive anger in a more positive direction. If only she could do that, he says there is nothing she can’t achieve. That’s sweet, and it’s good advice. Then he ruins it by saying that if she can get her crazy under control, they might even be able to get back together. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. You are a moron. They hug, and it makes me a little sick to my stomach.

JD is closing Sermet’s for good, so he has a farewell party for it. Naomie starts it off by telling Chelt-sea that when Kathryn went over to Thomas’ house, they kissed. Ugh. Chelt-sea tells Cameran, and Cameran of course tells everyone else. While this hot gossip is being passed around, Kathryn makes her entrance in the above-referenced fashion disaster. Thomas, like the idiot he is, tells her she looks beautiful. Is he blind? Does he just want to get laid? Why does he continue to feed the beast? It’s baffling.

Shep brings last season’s Bailey to the party and Austen paws her while Chelt-sea watches disapprovingly. When he returns to her table, Chelt-sea tells him that it makes her look like a “fucking idiot” when he’s rubbing all over some other girl. Austen is confused because this is the first time he’s heard that such behavior bothers her. He tells her he’s crazy about her, she reciprocates, and they decide to date each other exclusively. Hopefully these two will ride off into the sunset together and we’ll never have to see them again.

Now it’s time for Craig to complain about how his attempt at mediating the discussion between Landon and Kathryn in Key West was met with well-deserved scorn. He blathers about how putting a band-aid on the situation will never adequately solve whatever problems lie between Kathryn and Landon. What he doesn’t get is that a band-aid is exactly what the situation calls for. Those two will never be friends–all Landon wants is to be able to be cordial and not be told to “fuck off” in the middle of a party, and all Kathryn wants is to destroy the accord between Landon and Thomas. That is exactly what transpired from the Key West conversation, and everyone is fine with it, except, as Landon points out, Craig. Shep and Landon openly mock Craig’s mediation skills, and he responds with scary aggression that is alarmingly out of proportion to the conversation. Shep compares Craig’s insistence that Kathryn and Landon get everything out on the table to the beginning of the Bay of Pigs. Landon laughs that Craig doesn’t know what that means, and Shep quips that he probably thinks it has something to do with barbecue. How does Craig react? He PUNCHES Shep on the leg. Throughout the conversation he’s been threatening to hit Shep, but who would take a threat like that seriously coming from a pussy like Craig?

Shep calls Kathryn over so she can, along with Shep and Landon, tell Craig that he can stop “mediating” because everyone–including Kathryn–knows that Landon has said bad things about Kathryn, and is fine with the ways things are. Craig threatens to knock Shep out and calls him a drunken asshole. Then he throws in Shep’s face that they weren’t allowed on the plane back from Key West because Shep was too drunk to fly. Earlier in the evening, Shep sincerely thanked Craig for looking out for him on the trip home, but per usual, Craig can’t let it go. Naomie notices the tension from her table but is trying not to judge Craig. This is a situation where she should absolutely judge Craig, because his behavior his indefensible.

Shep has had enough and walks away. Landon delivers the best line of the night as she too walks away: “You’re a great mediator, Craig. Don’t quit your day job.” It would have been even better if she’d followed up that statement by saying, “Oh right, you don’t have one.” Craig should be belittled and humiliated at every opportunity.

Forty-five minutes later, everyone is dancing and having a good time. Kathryn and Thomas are sitting on a couch, reveling in the fact that for once they are not causing the drama. Thomas creepily tells Kathryn she should wear silk, rubs her spandex-clad leg and tells her that her morgue-purple lipstick is sexy. God he’s so stupid. They congratulate themselves for having an adult interaction at his house the other night, and while everyone else speculates about whether they will sleep together or kill each other, Kathryn tells Thomas that at one time she was “so in love” with him and that she will always love him. Gross.

Next week–the reunion. I hope Kathryn and Craig get raked over the coals.