Southern Charm: Season Finale Recap

I didn’t think anything could be worse than what Kathryn wore to last season’s finale party, but I was wrong. Last year, she dressed up as a latter-day Medusa in her flowing red chiffon cape, white pumps and gold boxer gloves. This year, her attention-seeking getup was a cocktail consisting of one part Prince, one part Little Lord Fauntleroy and two parts Pyat Pree from Game of Thrones.

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I truly do not understand what she’s trying to telegraph with her fashion choices. Everything she wears is wrong from head to toe–every single thing.

In Key West, while the guys are playing with water toys and Cameran and Landon are getting massages, Kathryn meets up with Danni and Liz to rehash the previous night’s conversation with Landon. While Danni and Liz are wearing normal beach attire, Kathryn shows up in red lipstick, an old-fashioned blue one-piece and a scarf made out of Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I think she took Whitney’s description of her and Thomas as a low-rent Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton as some kind of compliment, and is attempting to dress the part. Except she looks like Ethel Merman’s interpretation of Liz Taylor as Martha in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Martha was better behaved.

Kathryn doesn’t believe the rapprochement with Landon was genuine, pointing out that Landon’s assertion that she’s never said anything bad about Kathryn was a lie. She’s right, because how could anyone who spends more than a minute in Kathryn’s company NOT say something bad about her? She’s awful. Landon did not come off well this season, but everything she’s ever said about Kathryn is correct.  Kathryn is mentally unsound, she has zero class, she uses her children to manipulate Thomas (and to book modeling gigs), and she doesn’t care about regaining custody of her children except to use that narrative to drum up sympathy for herself. Landon may be a petty snob, but she’s spot-on about Kathryn.

Danni informs Kathryn that Landon had her back in a big way against Thomas at breakfast that morning, but Kathryn is unimpressed. She opines that Landon is “not that deep.” Because Kathryn is a student of Nietzsche in her spare time.

Post massage, Cameran and Landon also discuss Kathryn. Cameran says it was nice of Landon to stick up for her at breakfast that morning, but Landon says that even though she’s glad they made up, she still doesn’t want to be around Kathryn, because you never know what you’re going to get with her. Again, she’s right. Will Kathryn be playing the part of calm and well-behaved Kathryn to further her own agenda, or will that facade crack to reveal the unhinged, screaming banshee that lurks just below the surface? Will she be spouting nonsense about how her old soul recognizes Tennessee Williams’ understanding of human nature (“like, for realz”) or will she demonstrate her grasp of the wisdom of the ages by flipping the finger and calling people nasty motherfuckers? We just never know.

That evening, everyone heads out to dinner as Bagatelle. Is this the same Bagatelle that Ramona ditched Dorinda’s Sandbar excursion for in Miami? Kathryn boards the party bus in some kind of flapper number constructed of multi-colored fringe, a black bra and a white purse. I didn’t get a glimpse of her shoes, but I feel like they were probably the same ill-considered white pumps she wore last year–you know, to match the purse that totally clashes with her outfit.

From the party bus we cut to Kathryn’s talking head, in which she’s wearing a red dress straight out of the Alexis Carrington collection. She just can’t get it right. Cameran looks especially cute. She may be the most two-faced person ever to walk the face of the earth, but she has great style. Landon, JD, Shep and Craig eschew the party bus in favor of scooters. Landon, world-traveler that she is, points out that you can’t go to Key West and not rent mopeds. This is an innocuous statement, but coming from Landon it sounds pretentious.

The party bus contingent arrives at Bagatelle, and Kathryn shanghais Thomas outside for a private conversation. She tries to manipulate him into abandoning the court case and opting for mediation, where they can hopefully come up with a parenting plan. She sounds reasonable in this scene, but Thomas is skeptical. He would love to be able to co-parent with her, but he needs to see her actions back up her words for once. A glimmer of wisdom from Thomas! Too bad it is oh-so-fleeting.

Inside the restaurant, Danni tells Liz she doesn’t feel well then collapses in a faint. This scene has been teased all year, prompting me to wonder why Danni passed out. Was it too much alcohol? The eating disorder? Or a combination of the two? Turns out it was “dehydration,” or that’s the story at least. How disappointing. I hate it when Bravo teases some juicy tidbit only to have it revealed to be a drama-free nonevent. After Danni is taken away in the ambulance, everyone sits down to dinner. Thomas snipes that he wants to sit far away from Landon, and Landon is glad that Thomas’ rudeness gives her another “out” from this pseudo-relationship.

Nothing else really happens at dinner, except that Craig says he would give up oral sex before he would give up cheese, and gives Cameran the onesie he made for her future baby. Former baby-hater Cameran gets emotional and calls Craig a “sweet motherfucker.” Klassy.

The next morning, Chelt-sea and Austen go for a swim in the ocean and Shep is still hammered from the night before. Cameran snarks that for Shep, every day is like groundhog day, and she just hopes he doesn’t get arrested on the way home. Then she pulls Craig aside for one of her famous lectures. Normally Cameran’s smug and that’s right–sanctimonious–advice borders on the insufferable, but this time she’s right when she tells Craig that he needs to be aware of how he speaks to Naomie. She tells him that he comes off looking like the asshole in these situations. He whines that of course he does, but that no one knows how mean Naomie is to him in private–she’s horrible–horrible!–to him, and her words cut him deeply. She didn’t even say good-bye to him when she left Key West (maybe because he was still passed out?) and he’s having a better time without her. He has a point when he says relationships shouldn’t be like this. I hate it when I have to admit Craig isn’t a complete tool 100% of the time.

Back in Charleston, Thomas visits JD. They are both a little worse for the wear after the Key West trip. Thomas has a cup of coffee; JD is drinking bourbon on the rocks. What time is it? Thomas tells JD he is confused by Landon’s about-face concerning Kathryn. So are we. He wants a woman who feels privileged and honored to be with him, and Landon is not that woman. He gave her the chance to date him, but she will never have that opportunity again. Landon, meanwhile, is telling her sister Bam that she doesn’t really want that opportunity, as Thomas’ controlling ways remind her of her ex-husband, and she has no interest in going down that road again. She shows Bam a text from Thomas, which reads, “Once my good opinion is lost, it is lost forever.” This is the only show on Bravo where people actually have enough education to steal a quote from Jane Austen. I love Thomas for likening himself to Mr. D’Arcy, and Landon for texting Lizzie’s response to Mr. D’Arcy in return. Can you imagine Tamra Barney or Porsha Williams or Teresa Giudice ever referring to classic literature to get their point across? Of course you can’t.

Kathryn and Naomie meet up to discuss Craig and Naomie’s relationship. This is the only scene I’ve ever witnessed where Kathryn doesn’t completely monopolize the conversation by complaining about her problems with Thomas or her custody situation. Score a little tiny one for Kathryn. Unfortunately, her hair is once again in a messy, weirdly poofy bun with an attempt at artful tendrils framing her face. Except that instead of artful, they are obvious, and instead of tendrils, they are lank strings that say the whorehouse ran out of bobby pins.

Naomie admits that she has been awful to Craig for the last few months. She feels bad, but everything he does annoys her. Kathryn says that Craig is unhappy with his “career” and is overcompensating by boasting about how awesome he is at the many inconsequential tasks he has undertaken to perform. Naomie thinks that Kathryn is onto something, and reveals that her anger with Craig stems from the fact that she helped him lie about his eligibility to take the bar exam. This is interesting. I always assumed Craig lied to Naomie along with everyone else about the bar exam, and wondered why ANYONE would stay with someone who has such a complete lack of character. That she was complicit clears this up a bit. He lied like a low-down weasel to everyone else in his life, but at least he was honest with her. That’s something, I guess.

At Cameran’s house, her awesome mom Bonnie comes over so Cameran can tell her she’s thrown away her birth control. Bonnie tells Cameran–her daughter!–that she didn’t want kids initially either, but is glad she had them. She tears up as she assures Cameran that bringing a child into the world is a wonderful experience. Okay–can we please be done with this storyline forever? There are a few things I never need to see on Bravo again. Childbearing angst, mothers acting like sending their kids off to college is like sending them to Auschwitz, bikini waxes, and Lisa Vanderpump’s tired jokes about her (lack of a) sex life with Ken. Enough already.

Craig and Naomie talk about their relationship. Naomie tells Craig she feels badly about treating him like shit all the time (even though she double-negatives by qualifying that she’s not saying that he’s not an asshole), and Craig tells her that if they’re going to be in a healthy relationship she needs to pay more attention to his needs. It’s actually a mature conversation and Naomie tells us in her talking head that she doesn’t want to lose Craig. I can’t fathom why not, but she must see something more in him than the sniveling quisling I see.  To each her own.

Kathryn goes to Thomas’ house. They have an insightful conversation about the state of their relationship, and Thomas gives some actual “wonderful words of wisdom” to Kathryn about channeling her explosive anger in a more positive direction. If only she could do that, he says there is nothing she can’t achieve. That’s sweet, and it’s good advice. Then he ruins it by saying that if she can get her crazy under control, they might even be able to get back together. Thomas, Thomas, Thomas. You are a moron. They hug, and it makes me a little sick to my stomach.

JD is closing Sermet’s for good, so he has a farewell party for it. Naomie starts it off by telling Chelt-sea that when Kathryn went over to Thomas’ house, they kissed. Ugh. Chelt-sea tells Cameran, and Cameran of course tells everyone else. While this hot gossip is being passed around, Kathryn makes her entrance in the above-referenced fashion disaster. Thomas, like the idiot he is, tells her she looks beautiful. Is he blind? Does he just want to get laid? Why does he continue to feed the beast? It’s baffling.

Shep brings last season’s Bailey to the party and Austen paws her while Chelt-sea watches disapprovingly. When he returns to her table, Chelt-sea tells him that it makes her look like a “fucking idiot” when he’s rubbing all over some other girl. Austen is confused because this is the first time he’s heard that such behavior bothers her. He tells her he’s crazy about her, she reciprocates, and they decide to date each other exclusively. Hopefully these two will ride off into the sunset together and we’ll never have to see them again.

Now it’s time for Craig to complain about how his attempt at mediating the discussion between Landon and Kathryn in Key West was met with well-deserved scorn. He blathers about how putting a band-aid on the situation will never adequately solve whatever problems lie between Kathryn and Landon. What he doesn’t get is that a band-aid is exactly what the situation calls for. Those two will never be friends–all Landon wants is to be able to be cordial and not be told to “fuck off” in the middle of a party, and all Kathryn wants is to destroy the accord between Landon and Thomas. That is exactly what transpired from the Key West conversation, and everyone is fine with it, except, as Landon points out, Craig. Shep and Landon openly mock Craig’s mediation skills, and he responds with scary aggression that is alarmingly out of proportion to the conversation. Shep compares Craig’s insistence that Kathryn and Landon get everything out on the table to the beginning of the Bay of Pigs. Landon laughs that Craig doesn’t know what that means, and Shep quips that he probably thinks it has something to do with barbecue. How does Craig react? He PUNCHES Shep on the leg. Throughout the conversation he’s been threatening to hit Shep, but who would take a threat like that seriously coming from a pussy like Craig?

Shep calls Kathryn over so she can, along with Shep and Landon, tell Craig that he can stop “mediating” because everyone–including Kathryn–knows that Landon has said bad things about Kathryn, and is fine with the ways things are. Craig threatens to knock Shep out and calls him a drunken asshole. Then he throws in Shep’s face that they weren’t allowed on the plane back from Key West because Shep was too drunk to fly. Earlier in the evening, Shep sincerely thanked Craig for looking out for him on the trip home, but per usual, Craig can’t let it go. Naomie notices the tension from her table but is trying not to judge Craig. This is a situation where she should absolutely judge Craig, because his behavior his indefensible.

Shep has had enough and walks away. Landon delivers the best line of the night as she too walks away: “You’re a great mediator, Craig. Don’t quit your day job.” It would have been even better if she’d followed up that statement by saying, “Oh right, you don’t have one.” Craig should be belittled and humiliated at every opportunity.

Forty-five minutes later, everyone is dancing and having a good time. Kathryn and Thomas are sitting on a couch, reveling in the fact that for once they are not causing the drama. Thomas creepily tells Kathryn she should wear silk, rubs her spandex-clad leg and tells her that her morgue-purple lipstick is sexy. God he’s so stupid. They congratulate themselves for having an adult interaction at his house the other night, and while everyone else speculates about whether they will sleep together or kill each other, Kathryn tells Thomas that at one time she was “so in love” with him and that she will always love him. Gross.

Next week–the reunion. I hope Kathryn and Craig get raked over the coals.

 

 

 

 

 

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