90 Day Fiance Ep. 6 Recap: Let Them (Not) Eat Cake

First there is some housekeeping to get out of the way. If there is one thing TLC excels at, it’s giving us heaping helpings of exposition that we don’t need. Elizabeth is a nervous wreck waiting for Andrei to get out of his immigration interview. It’s a wasted scene because–surprise!–Andrei was approved.  Now Elizabeth can start to stress about Andrei meeting her family.

Luis has purchased an engagement ring for Molly but wants to give Olivia a heads up before he proposes. In another wasted scene, because we already know that Olivia is less than excited about this marriage, she tells Luis not to rush into it before she and Kensley get to know him better. Here’s a heads up Olivia can actually use–Luis and Molly have already rushed into it, and the engagement is a fait accompli. Luis points out that whether he proposes to Molly right away or waits to do it, they’re still going to be married within 90 days. And there it is. We don’t need to see any more scenes in which Molly’s family express their reservations about Luis. We already know they don’t like the idea of Molly marrying him, so either show us how he wins them over or show us how he proves them right. Just move it along, people.

In Thailand, cowardly, broke, weasel David takes off his engagement ring before he video chats with his daughter, Ashley. He hasn’t told his kids that he’s engaged to Annie yet, but pussyfoots into the water by telling Ashley that Annie says hi. Ashley asks, “Who’s Annie,” maybe because she’s trying to get in a little dig about her father’s parade of Asian girlfriends, or maybe because she really has no idea who Annie is. She’s never spoken to or seen Annie, and she suspects that she’s a figment of her dad’s imagination. To prove her wrong, David drags Annie over to the computer and forces her into an awkward conversation with Ashley, in which Ashley asks her if she can do nails. You know, because that’s what every Thai woman does–nails. And ben-wa balls, but it would be a little creepy if Ashley asked about that.

2017-11-14 (2)

Turns out that Annie can do nails, and she shows Ashley her own to provide a sample of her work. Poor Annie. First she has to cook for Chris and Nicki and maybe give Chris Thai massages by the pool, and now she’s expected to do David’s daughter’s nails. I hope the water buffaloes were worth it. I don’t see how they could be. Annie tries to hold up her hands but David covers up her left one so Ashley won’t see her engagement ring. After they hang up David explains that he wasn’t trying to hurt her, he just didn’t want Ashley to see the ring because he hasn’t yet told her about their engagement. Annie asks him why he’s lying to his kids and David responds that he’s not lying, he’s just not telling them everything. This is one of the many reasons why David is a loser. Not only does he have no money and no shame, he has no balls.

After the fallout from their fight about Nicole’s shady and deceptive ways, she, Azan and May go to the beach. Nicole thinks a beach day is a good way to show Azan how great of a family they can be. Okay. Because there is no better way to solve problems than sweeping them under the rug (or the sand). There is a camel on the beach (maybe they’re trying to sweep their problems under the magic carpet), and when Azan climbs onto its back, Nicole tells May to watch “daddy.” It’s really unnecessary for Nicole to prompt May like that, because clearly the child has already been thoroughly indoctrinated into the Azan-as-daddy thing; when Azan climbed onto the camel, an alarmed May cried, “daddy–noooo!”

2017-11-14 (4)

When Azan admits being a parent is harder then he thought, Nicole asks him to imagine how hard it is to raise a child and have a JOB at the same time. Azan used to have a job, but Nicole called and texted him so much while he was working that he got fired. Azan wants to get another job because he, like everyone else, doesn’t like not having any money. His feelings don’t concern Nicole, who is happy to send him money in exchange for his being available to text and talk to her 24/7.  It’s okay with her if he gets a job, as long as the job he gets meets that one criterion. Of course no job will, so she has him over a barrel. How does this simpleton have the mental wherewithal to be such a cunning, manipulative monster?

Speaking of monsters, Her Imperial Highness Evelyn of Claremont has dragged her consort David to the tuxedo shop. HIH Evelyn is concerned over the fact that she and David have been arguing so much over the wedding planning but chalks it up to them both being stubborn, which is half right. David has the gall to want a blue tuxedo instead of a black one, which HIH Evelyn will not tolerate in the classic, vintage wedding she has been dreaming of HER WHOLE LIFE. Evelyn’s lack of irony is astounding. David thinks her age contributes to her irrational need for control, but I’ve got news for him–it is not Evelyn’s age that makes her a tyrant. It’s the fact that she’s a tyrant that makes her a tyrant, and she’s not going to grow out of it. David agrees to wear a black tuxedo, and I wish he would understand that every time he gives into one of HIH Evelyn’s petulant demands it’s just going to reinforce her belief that no one should dare to question her imperial edicts.

2017-11-14 (6)

With the issue of David’s tuxedo settled, the bridal shop worker brings up the groomsmen. Uh oh. If you recall, HIH Evelyn not only expects David’s friends and family to fly to America and find and pay for their own accommodations, she expects them to rent tuxes. Since David has the audacity to disagree with her about making them spring for their own attire, HIH refuses to discuss the issue. She cannot understand why she can’t be just a little bit selfish on her wedding day of all days, which is HER day that, again, she has been dreaming of her WHOLE LIFE. It’s pretty clear that Evelyn feels entitled to be selfish every day of her life, and the wedding is just an excuse to ramp it up to titanic proportions.

David points out that HIH is marrying someone from another culture and it would be nice if she would compromise a little bit. But HIH reminds David (again) that he is in ‘MERICA now and it’s time to toe the line. What a charmer.

Molly is taking Luis to Woodstock, Georgia’s version of the beach. Talk about culture shock.

2017-11-14 (9)

 

2017-11-14 (11)

Molly has packed a picnic and it’s kind of sad when Luis asks her if she comes to the beach sometimes, and she replies that she’s always wanted to but never had anyone to go with. Aww. Well now she has Luis, and he is going to surprise her by proposing, despite Olivia’s misgivings. It’s sweet how surprised Molly is when he gets down on one knee and presents her with the ring. Of course she says yes, and they share an embrace on the sad little beach that is kind of a metaphor for this relationship. Molly has been lonely and is happy to have someone to share her life with, but I think she is settling for a murky Georgia lake instead of holding out for the turquoise waters of the Caribbean.

Elizabeth and Andrei are in a pub celebrating his visa until Elizabeth brings the celebration to a screeching halt by badgering Andrei about whether or not he’s going to “forbid” her to go out on girls’ nights once he gets to the US. He is fine with her going out with her sisters or her girlfriends on special occasions, but not until like, 4am, and not to the club. What about her bachelorette party? Andrei says it’s fine if she goes out for dinner and has a bottle of prosecco, but Elizabeth doesn’t consider such a staid outing to be fun. She’s worried that Andrei is going to expect her to be a submissive, old-world style wife and not the freewheeling American woman she is. She’s willing to compromise, she says, amid a series of blinks and tics that belie this statement, but Andrei is going to have to alter his expectations, too.

I’m a little concerned about Andrei’s control issues. He makes them sound kind of reasonable by saying Elizabeth can go out with her friends and family as long she sticks to certain parameters that he lays out. But this is an excuse for Elizabeth to say to herself, “well he didn’t forbid me to go, he just wants to know where I am and who I’m with because he’s worried about me.” This is slippery-slope thinking. Hasn’t Elizabeth ever watched Investigation Discovery?

In Thailand, David and Annie are having a joint bachelor-bachelorette party. From this segment we become privy to yet another of David’s long list of shortcomings by learning that he’s a bad drunk. With each revelation it becomes more and more baffling that Annie continues to contemplate moving across the world with this “man.” Annie says that whenever David drinks he can’t control himself. She is embarrassed as he dances through the streets and annoyed when he questions why she is sitting across the bar talking to her friend. Um, she’s talking to her friend about you because you’re acting like a jackass.

2017-11-14 (20)

I’m glad Annie’s friends are there for her to vent to, and I’m proud of her for getting in David’s face about his sloppy behavior. Obviously she’s not going to dump him yet because we’ve already seen previews of her on the plane to the US, but the fact that she’s standing up for herself in this situation is a good sign. Annie tells her friend she’s worried about going to America with David–another good sign.

Nicole and Azan are at the market–again. They spend a lot of time in various markets. Azan is teaching Nicole to shop for vegetables so she can cook healthy meals for him in America. Not surprisingly, Nicole says she’s used to the kind of vegetables that come out of a can, which sort of explains why she mistakes green beans for peas, but not really.

The next stop is the chicken man. Nicole wonders why the chickens are still moving, apparently not realizing that they are picking out a fresh chicken that will be killed and butchered right then and there. This is too exotic for Nicole, who escapes outside for some fresh air. The Moroccan market sure is different from the Piggly Wiggly in bumfuck, Florida!

In Georgia, Molly has invited Olivia to have lunch with her and Luis so they can all spend some time together. Olivia is on reasonably good behavior as Molly asks for her help in planning the wedding, but it all goes south when Luis tries to feed Molly in an overtly sexual way. Olivia is repulsed and states that her mom and Luis are “gross,” which in this case is true. Olivia and Luis’ relationship is already weird because Luis is closer in age to her than Molly, yet he’s going to be her stepfather. It gets even weirder when Luis tells her she needs a “real” boyfriend, which kind of comes out like he thinks she needs a boyfriend to loosen her up sexually. Eww. Molly immediately puts the kibosh on that, telling Luis that Olivia is too young, but Luis disagrees. Molly is dismayed that Luis is not acting like a proper father figure, but–duh–he’s 26 years old. She thinks they can find a way to parent together, or at least that Luis will respect her wishes as a mother and behave accordingly.

2017-11-14 (21)

It’s Josh and Aika. Josh looks mighty weathered for a 43-year-old (meth?), and he needs to take those tragic gauges out of his ears. Of course he wants Aika to model because it’s his dream to have a model girlfriend/wife. HIS dream. Here we go again with an over-the-hill wannabe model and some backwater talent agency in the boondocks. Did Josh learn nothing from Paola and her Oklahoma City modeling career? Doing local car commercials and gigs as a Fireball girl in the greater Phoenix area sports bars is not exactly what aspiring models dream of doing. And to Aika’s credit, she’s not at all interested in modeling but just going along with it to appease Josh. (Also to her credit, she immediately realized that flip flops are more suitable for the supermarket than hooker heels.) Aika is not the problem here–Josh is.

2017-11-14 (31)

They arrive at the modeling agency, and who is there to greet them but Matthew from “Difficult People!

2017-11-14 (27)

And who is this modeling agency employee throwing bitchface at poor Aika throughout her audition?

2017-11-14 (32)

The agency tells Aika they would like to work with her, but when Aika says she’s planning on getting pregnant in a year or two, they immediately rescind their offer. This is a master stroke by Aika. She doesn’t want to model and gets out of it by simply telling the truth that her priorities are being a wife and mother, which to Josh should be above reproach if he’s actually interested in a wife and not a piece of arm candy. Nicely played, Aika.

Ugh. Her Imperial Highness and David are at a bakery to taste wedding cakes. HIH is going to throw David a crumb–get it?–with this one detail because she doesn’t care about it that much. How magnanimous. David is happy to get his way, but soon finds out that as a subject of the imperial realm, he’s probably never going to really get his way when Evelyn tells him they can’t afford the cake. Instead of feeding all the guests expensive wedding cake, HIH decrees that they will order a fancy cake for the wedding party only. Everyone else can settle for Betty Crocker or a lump of coal because, as HIH graciously points out, it’s not about them anyway.

2017-11-14 (24)

I’m surprised David and HIH have to be so frugal for this wedding, what with the family band and her red-hot solo career. HIH is happy that her and David’s parents are helping them pay for the wedding, but if I were David’s parents, it would take about 2 minutes of watching this smug little despot emasculate my son before I pulled the plug. I’m sure they’ll be appalled when they meet her in person, so maybe they’ll be able to talk some sense into David before it’s too late.

Azan’s aunt–the woman who has opened her house to Nicole and her daughter–has made a traditional Moroccan dish for Nicole, who rudely scrunches up her face at it. It’s a sheep’s head, and since a sheep’s head is outside her usual fare of chicken nuggets and cheetos, she refuses to eat it. When Azan forces her to try it–after all, it’s the first time to his knowledge Nicole has ever not been hungry–she takes a tiny little taste then spits it out right in from of the aunt. Unbelievable.

2017-11-14 (25)

Luis and Molly’s brother Jess are playing pool when Olivia and her friend join them. It seems like Olivia is warming up to Luis a little bit–maybe a little too much, because Luis feels comfortable enough to inquire into her sex life. When Olivia says she’s way too young to think about marriage, Luis asks her if she’s just with her boyfriend to f*** him. Gross. Gross, gross, gross. Then he asks her if she knows the Spanish word “agarre,” which he translates as meaning, “when you wanna f*** you should f***. Even more gross.

2017-11-14 (33)

Olivia reports this conversation to Molly and Molly is horrified. When she tries to tell Luis that having that type of conversation with Olivia is inappropriate, Luis just shrugs and says Olivia should be able to do whatever she wants with her body. This doesn’t bode well for the future father-daughter relationship.

 

90 Day Fiance HEA Recap: The Couples Tell All

In true 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After fashion the first ten minutes of the tell all special are wasted with flashbacks we’ve seen a hundred times before and fake drama. The producers clutch their pearls because they can’t contact Jorge and Anfisa. Will they show? Of course they will, because TLC has already shown promos for the episode that include clips of Jorge and Anfisa. Mohamed’s not on set–oh no, will he show? Of course he will, because TLC has already shown promos for the episode that include clips of Mohamed. How stupid does TLC think its audience is?

The host, whoever she is, is awful. She starts things off by asking Jorge about the status of his and Anfisa’s relationship. After a dramatic producer-inserted pause, he says that it’s over. We already knew that, and this is what bugs me so much about this show. The host asks a question, a pause is edited in so we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats waiting to hear the response, and when it comes it’s something we already know from the previous episode. When will TLC figure out that this type of ham-handed manipulation doesn’t create anticipation, it insults the viewers?

Anyway, the host points out that Jorge and Anfisa are staying in the same hotel room (which we know, because we just saw it a couple of minutes ago, so–redundant) and asks why, since they’re no longer together. Jorge responds that he had to pretend that things were fine between them in order to trick Anfisa into participating. The host pretends not to understand what he’s saying, so Anfisa breaks it down: Jorge knew that if Anfisa suspected he was going to call her out during the tell all special she wouldn’t have come, so he acted like everything was fine between them. It’s not that difficult. If Anfisa, who is not a native English speaker, can figure out what Jorge is saying, why can’t this host? I assume she’s some sort of communications professional since she’s hosting this reunion, but so far she’s not very adept at communicating.

She asks Anfisa if she thought the relationship with Jorge was improving. Why would she ask that when Jorge just said the relationship is over? Anfisa doesn’t know about that, she just thinks Jorge likes to play the victim. She might not be the nicest person, but at least she’s been honest about her intentions from the beginning. Amen to that, Anfisa! She feels that Jorge knew what to expect from her, but when she got to the US she discovered that Jorge was not who he was pretending to be. Loren is screwing her face into all kinds of wtf expressions as Anfisa talks, so I assume she’s waiting for an opportunity to lay into her. I don’t know why, because love Anfisa or hate her, she has never once misrepresented herself or tried to downplay her psychotic tendencies. Which is why she makes great TV.

Jorge is either getting a divorce or an annulment, but he hasn’t begun the process for either. The host asks what the basis for an annulment would be, and he says, “a sham marriage.” Instead of pursuing this line of questioning with Jorge, she cuts him off and turns to Danielle. Incredibly, she asks Danielle why she wanted to get her marriage to Mohamed annulled instead of divorcing him. Um, hello? DANIELLE EXPLAINED THIS VERY THING ON EVERY SINGLE EPISODE THIS SEASON. EVERY SINGLE EPISODE! WHY do we have to go over it AGAIN?

Hearing Jorge and Anfisa’s story makes Danielle sad. She thinks people don’t realize how much time, energy and money it takes for an American to bring someone over on a K-1 Visa. Jorge agrees. Mohamed hates it when Americans bring up how much they’ve done for “them,” meaning their foreign spouses, because he feels like the spouses are being objectified. He resents the attitude that coming to the US is a blessing. Well, isn’t it? Mohamed spent the entire season trying to avoid getting sent back to Tunisia.

Paola shuts him down by saying they all wanted to come to the US and experience the American dream. Alexei has empathy for Anfisa and Mohamed, but not much. He doesn’t think either of them came to the US for the right reasons, but Jorge and Danielle also had an agenda, so it is what it is. I love cool-headed, reasonable Alexei. What a contrast to Jorge, who displays ugly American arrogance when he says bringing Anfisa to the US was a blessing for her, because what did she have in Russia? Well–a home, a family, friends, a way of life. Nothing big.

Anfisa admits she is materialistic and that she thought Jorge was going to provide her with a certain lifestyle. Paola asks if she made that clear to Jorge. Yes Paola, I think Anfisa was being quite clear when she told Jorge she was with him because he could buy her things and would leave him if he became incapacitated and could no longer work. Loren asks Anfisa why she doesn’t get a job and Anfisa said Jorge told her he didn’t want his wife to work. Since we’ve seen Jorge talk to her about getting a job several times this season, as in, “when you get your green card you can get a job,” that wasn’t the best move.

Loren asks what Anfisa would do if she had a choice between Jorge and a wealthier man, and Anfisa answers that it would depend on how the wealthier man treats her. Loren calls her a bitch and a gold digger and says Jorge treated her like a princess. Except for the constant lying. Loren yells that Anfisa and Mohamed make the K-1 Visa process look like a joke, but Anfisa asks why she doesn’t blame the Americans? They’re the ones who initiate the process, after all.

Loren is angry that she and Alexei, who are legitimately in love, got denied for a K-1 Visa twice, and because when people like Mohamed and Anfisa abuse the process it makes it harder for real couples to be approved. They go to break and show some pointless behind the scenes footage wherein Loren tries to reason with Mohamed, followed by a montage of the high points of the couples’ marriages. Not surprisingly, the montage does not include any scenes of Danielle and Mohamed’s marriage.

Moving along, how did Pedro know Chantel was the one when he didn’t speak any English when they met? Chantel was learning Spanish at the time, and Pedro used a lot of hand gestures to express himself, so they got by. Paola says it doesn’t matter if there’s a language barrier–if two people have a connection, they know it. I strongly disagree. But I disagree with most things about Paola, so that’s no surprise.

The host randomly cuts off this conversation and asks Mohamed about his marriage to Danielle. He says he learned the hard way, but next time he’ll get to know a person before he gets too involved. Danielle thinks it’s sad that the other couples were willing to stick with each other through the bad times when Mohamed wasn’t. That’s because Danielle and Mohamed only had bad times. Can we be done with these two already? Paola asks why, if Danielle says she’s moved on, does she still stalk Mohamed on social media?

We don’t get an answer, because the host cuts off that conversation as well, and asks Mohamed how his and Danielle’s relationship came about. He explains that it built slowly during a time when he was living outside his country and very lonely, and he learned to appreciate talking to Danielle every night because she made him feel like someone cared about him.

Conversely, Jorge fell in love with Anfisa because of her looks. That is the one and only reason he can give for marrying this girl, so he deserves what he got. Anfisa liked that Jorge was nice and treated her well. She thinks he’s trying to save face after looking like a chump for two years, which is why he is now saying the marriage was a mistake. Jorge tells the host during a break that she only knows half the story, hinting that he has some explosive information to reveal about Anfisa. Like everything else on this show, it’s probably a buildup to nothing. Or something we’ve already seen a thousand times.

Now it’s time to rehash the Loren/Alexei Tourette’s storyline. Loren has Tourette’s. It’s hereditary. Alexei was upset when she told him. Now they’re fine. Except Loren is worried that her children will resent her if they have Tourette’s, because it will be “her fault.” Chantel totally gets it. She would never want to bring a life with some terrible disease into the world. Chantel needs to work on her delivery.

The host thinks it was “powerful” when Loren asked Alexei if it would be so bad if their children turned out like her. The host is a moron. That statement was not powerful. Manipulative, yes. Immature, yes. Bitter, yes. Powerful, no. Loren whines about how hard the preceding segment was for her as they go to break.

And it’s on to Russ and Paola and lingerie-gate. Russ makes snide comments as they show clips of Paola filming her video. There is nothing here we haven’t heard before. Russ feels it’s inappropriate for his wife to wear lingerie in front of other men. Paola doesn’t see anything wrong with it and didn’t want to jeopardize her video gig by refusing to wear it. Russ is oil. Paola is water. They have the same fight they had on the previous episode, the one before that, and the one before that, then Paola walks off the set, wondering why she is even married to Russ. Why indeed, Paola?

 

 

90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 6 Recap: Disaster in the DR

Chantel and Pedro

Chantel hasn’t spoken to Pedro since the fight at his grandmother’s house the previous evening. That’s because he’s too busy listening to his mother and sister trash talk his wife and her family. The Family Chantel behaved rudely, especially since Pedro’s grandmother went to the trouble of preparing a big meal for them, but it’s hard to sympathize with his mother and sister because they’re just so awful. And wow, does that sister have a chip on her shoulder! She needs to shut up and grow up.

Pedro is heading back to the hotel so he and Chantel can talk. It doesn’t go well. Chantel agrees with her family, who were “shocked” to see Pedro’s family’s humble origins given that his mother and sister now live high on the hog with the money Pedro sends them. God, they’re snobs. They think Pedro’s mother forced him to marry an American girl so she and the sister could benefit from having a relative with access to all the money tree orchards in the Land of Plenty. Pedro repeats that she doesn’t understand his culture, which dictates that sons take care of their mothers. I don’t know if this is true, but if it is, it seems to me that Chantel and Pedro are at an impasse. She wants to be his first priority, but his first priority is always going to be fulfilling his duty to his family. They probably should have understood this about each other before they got married. Pedro tells Chantel she needs another husband, and he’s right.

Chantel’s friend GG and her boyfriend are in the DR for the wedding. Chantel describes the debacle this trip has been and GG offers her support. She says Pedro needs to put Chantel first as his wife. The boyfriend says Pedro is struggling to balance his manly responsibilities. GG asks if the wedding is still on, and Chantel equivocates.

Pedro meets Chantel’s father and brother so the father can educate him on what’s expected of an American husband. Once again we hear that the family Chantel is suspicious of Pedro’s motives. Once again Pedro complains that they don’t respect his culture. Once again we hear that Pedro and Chantel shouldn’t be living in a studio while his mother and sister live in a three bedroom apartment. Pedro explains that the rent in the DR is much cheaper than in the US, and that he and Chantel have a two-year plan to better their circumstances. Father Chantel tells Pedro that Chantel was better off before she married him. Pedro takes offense to this and, after some more futile back-and-forth, walks out.

Why can’t the Family Chantel understand that in Pedro’s culture, he’s expected to take care of his mother? Why can’t the Family Pedro understand that in Chantel’s culture, the wife is supposed to come first? There are two different sets of expectations working against each other here, and both Chantel and Pedro and their families need to respect the other’s cultural norms and find a happy medium. If they can’t, then it’s time to move on.

Loren and Alexei

Alexei’s mother is leaving for Israel and everyone is sad because it looks like Alexei’s family will not be able to immigrate to the US. Half this show is made up of flashbacks and commentary about things we’ve already seen and heard several times. How memory-impaired does TLC think its viewers are? Oh right–much of its audience is comprised of people who watch the Duggars and the Sister Wives. Slobbering inbreds are probably dealing with less than impressive mental capacities, therefore TLC has been forced to dumb down its programming so the simple folk can follow it. I get it.

Loren has been asked to speak at a Tourette’s Society event in Washington, D.C. She is nervous and wants Alexei to get off work to accompany her. He probably won’t be able to because the invitation was last-minute. Loren pouts. I don’t why I bother to chronicle Loren and Alexei’s activities when their whole lives can be summed up in two words. Just like Jesus wept, Loren pouts.

While Loren is in Washington, Alexei has a bone to pick with her father. Why did he tell Alexei’s parents that Tourette’s wasn’t hereditary? Was he truly ignorant or was he lying? Turns out he was truly ignorant, because there were no support systems in place for Tourette’s sufferers while Loren was growing up and the doctors did not offer her parents any guidance. Alexei is relieved. I’m not sure I buy Loren’s father’s explanation. Is he saying that at no time during the last twenty-something years of Loren’s life were she or her family able to access information about her condition? It seems fishy, but as long as Alexei believes him, I guess this storyline is wrapped up.

Danielle and Mohamed

Danielle goes to Mohamed’s friend Tom’s house to gather more evidence against Mohamed for the upcoming annulment hearing. Tom refuses because he thinks Danielle is manipulative and doesn’t believe the text message printouts Danielle whips out prove that Mohamed cheated on her. How can she know the texts are actually from Mohamed? Danielle may live and die by social media but Tom doesn’t trust information gleaned from the internet. In any other situation Tom might come off as a paranoid bunker dweller, but next to Danielle his skepticism is sage-like.

Danielle’s flawed logic is on display as she tries another tack. She and Mohamed weren’t sleeping together during the last three months of their marriage, so he must have been sleeping with somebody else. It’s really not that complicated–Mohamed wasn’t sleeping with Danielle because he is repulsed by her. We all saw last season’s reunion. I made the mistake of making myself a sandwich before I sat down to watch this scene and now I feel like I’ll never be able to eat again.

Danielle has a meltdown when she realizes that Tom is not going to help her and screams that she “HA-HA-HAAAAATES Mohamed SO MUCH!” Danielle is perplexing. Her criminal record attests to her ability to hatch wily schemes, but her behavior suggests some form of diminished mental capacity. She’s probably a fan of the Duggars.

Mohamed meets with a lawyer he has not retained to get advice before the annulment hearing. It’s certainly magnanimous of this lawyer to spend his valuable time advising someone who is arrogant enough to believe he can represent himself in a proceeding that could result in his deportation. Maybe he wants the screen time.

Mohamed is defensive and maintains he did nothing wrong. The lawyer thinks that if Mohamed’s attitude doesn’t change, he’ll be headed back to Tunisia faster than you can say “go back to your family goat.”

Russ and Paola

Russ has a job interview for a field engineer position in Miami. It is outside his field of expertise and pays about half of what he used to make, but Pao couldn’t care less about how taking this job could negatively affect Russ’ career. As long as he can support her while she escorts models around Miami, he can be a goatherder for all she cares.
Or, as she has suggested, a bartender.

Russ has accepted the field engineer job. He isn’t thrilled about the huge pay cut but Pao is thrilled because now Russ can pay for her to visit her family in Colombia.

Pao and Russ arrive at someone’s cluttered home for yet another low-rent photo shoot. Pao needs to beef up her skanky portfolio and explains that this photographer specializes in pictures of “good, juicy booties.” Sounds elegant. First I must comment on Pao’s hair. It is at least three different colors and you can see where the extensions have been added. Her outfits consist of a one-piece thong bathing suit that shows off her “juicy booty,” a cut-off t-shirt that reveals copious underboob combined with a ratty pair of denim shorts, and a sheer black negligee open to her navel. This is not the professional photo shoot Russ was expecting.

Instead of shooting in the controlled environment of a Milk Studios-like facility, Pao is posing next to the fence in the photographer’s front yard. Instead of wearing tasteful clothing that highlights her assets, Pao is dressed like a hooker on a third-rate stroll. Russ understands that Miami is a sexy city but he’s worried that Pao’s photos cross the line. That’s because they do. Apparently, in Miami “sexy” means looking like a back alley crack whore in need of a fix.

Jorge and Anfisa

Jorge and Anfisa are still separated. I love how TLC plays this forlorn music during the Jorge and Anfisa segments, as if we’re supposed to be heartbroken over their breakup. Anfisa is lonely so she Face Times her grandmother in Russia, who tells her she looks fat. That’s nice. I am beginning to understand why Anfisa is the way she is.

Jorge meets with one of the friends he ditched when he hooked up with Anfisa. Then he hooks up with the mother he ditched when he hooked up with Anfisa. Both conversations revolve around Anfisa. Jorge wants to meet with her and bring her a gift to get back into her good graces. He is such a glutton for punishment. His sister advises against it, but she looks like she has realized that Jorge is a lost cause.

Anfisa Ubers to the plastic surgeon’s office. She is depleting her savings because Jorge has not been footing the bill for her during their separation, but she still deserves to maintain her lifestyle. So today she’s getting Botox and lip injections. Anfisa says there are two types of people in the world: those who are willing to spend money to take care of themselves and those who are not. She falls into the former category.

Next week: more of the same.