90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 12 Recap: #whatdoesAnfisado?

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Finally–the last installment of a 3-part “Tell All” that could (and should) have been dispatched with in an hour.

The first issue is trust. What happens when spouses’ families don’t trust each other? Pedro and Chantel, you’re up. Pedro’s despicable mother and sister are featured in the flashback montage of Pedro and Chantel’s disastrous trip to the Dominican Republic. My first question is, if Pedro’s mother is a lawyer, how does she not have a laptop? It goes unanswered, because Shaun Robinson’s first question is why Pedro thinks he’s responsible for his mother and sister. Shaun Robinson sucks. Pedro gives the same answer he’s given all season long to justify his outrageous generosity with regard to his family–it’s his culture, his mother gave him life, blah, blah, blah. We know.

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Paola sees an opportunity for screen time and jumps in to say she spoils her family in Colombia, and if Russ doesn’t like it, he can lump it. This really has nothing to do with you Paola, so please shut up. Chantel starts to explain that Pedro is sending even more money back to his family now, and they live in an even bigger apartment. Paola says the cost of living is cheaper in shitholes  places like the DR and wherever Paola is from in Colombia, but Chantel shuts her down, snapping, “I’m not even done.” I like it when Chantel gets on her high horse. She can take a lot, but when she’s had it, she’s very good at turning up the bitchiness and putting insufferable famewhores like Paola and Pedro’s sister in their places.

Chantel continues by saying that she’s asked Pedro to take her out to one nice dinner per month, but he hasn’t bothered to do it since he’s sending every penny he makes back to his shiftless, entitled mother. Paola does a 180 at this news and lets everyone know that she wouldn’t put up with that for a minute. God, she’s obnoxious. But in this instance, she’s 100% right to agree with Chantel. There is no excuse for Pedro to expect Chantel to indulge everything about his culture while he completely ignores hers.

Shaun Robinson points out that Pedro’s mother and sister said some “not very nice” things about Chantel. Not very nice? Girl, grow a pair. They were hideous to her. If this host is not going to dig into the few juicy bits of good drama on this show, what is she doing there? She must have gone to the Andy Cohen school of interviewing–only sycophants and soft-ballers need apply. Chantel is still upset that Pedro didn’t defend her to his mother and sister, as well she should be.

Speaking of horrible people, it’s time to talk about Paola’s loathsome friend Juan. Russ is clearly angered by the montage showing all the abominable things Juan said to and about him, while Paola is practically doubled over with laughter. The bottom line is that Paola knows Russ is deeply frustrated over her relationship with Juan–she just doesn’t care. She’s not going to defend Russ to Juan because Russ is a grown man and can defend himself. Russ protests, but everyone knows that in the end he’ll just sit there and take it. Mohamed, Alexei and Pedro all shake their heads at the spineless cuckold Russ’ awful marriage has turned him into.

Pedro and Paola’s friends and relatives are sources of tension, to say the least, but Alexei’s mom is awesome. Loren and Alexei rehash the disappointment of his family’s decision not to immigrate to the US, but they’re still trying to figure out a way to make it happen.

Shaun Robinson asks Pedro if his mother would ever immigrate to the US, and his response is the most laughable thing I’ve ever heard. His mother can’t come to the US because she wouldn’t be able to work here. Hahahahahahaha! She doesn’t work in the DR! The LAST reason she would have for not moving somewhere is that she would be precluded from working. That woman has done an exemplary job of manipulating her son’s perception of her. Wow.

Why are Danielle and Mohamed talking? There have absolutely nothing left to say.

Jorge is angry with Anfisa because she cheated on him. She denies it, and even though Jorge insists it’s true, he won’t say why he believes it. He just keeps saying Anfisa is lying and she keeps saying she’s not. This is already going nowhere. Anfisa and Jorge are given center stage anyway, while the other couples are relegated to the back room. We revisit scenes showing Jorge and Anfisa’s volatile relationship, and find out that Jorge thinks things went south between them after he got her a boob job. This innocuous revelation stuns consummate television host Shaun Robinson into silence, and her eyes flit around the room as she tries to think of a follow-up question. With this level of ineptitude, I don’t even think she could get into the Andy Cohen school of interviewing.

Jorge and Anfisa engage in roughly twelve minutes of back-and-forth without revealing anything. There are more cheating accusations and more denials. Jorge refuses to reveal what Anfisa does for a living, even though he brought it up. He hints that she’s somehow involved in the sex industry by asking Shaun Robinson what she would think Anfisa’s profession was if she saw her on the street. Shaun Robinson disingenuously responds that she could think Anfisa was a teacher. Um, I doubt that would be anyone’s first guess. Everyone should just quit beating around the bush and reference this report that came out in June.

Everyone returns to the stage and spends the final few minutes of the show agreeing that Jorge and Anfisa are telling two different stories and someone is lying. What a waste of airtime. Danielle actually gives some good advice by warning Anfisa that people are going to find out anyway, so she might as well get ahead of it by giving her version of the story. Danielle should know!

Having accomplished nothing in the three hours comprising this “Tell All,” the producers follow the couples as they leave the set, hoping to capture some drama. Danielle tries to corner Mohamed because he hasn’t given her money for her attorney’s fees, but Mohamed just wants to disappear and never see Danielle again. Alexei is irritated with Loren because she spent way too much energy probing Mohamed, Jorge and Anfisa. Why can’t everyone be like Alexei? Jorge and Anfisa return to their hotel room together and have another conversation during which Jorge reveals nothing and Anfisa admits to nothing.

A week later, Danielle has contacted the producers to let them know she is going to sue Mohamed. Danielle will do absolutely anything to stay in Mohamed’s life. Give it up, already! It looks like Mohamed made good on his threat to disappear, because his phone is disconnected and neither Danielle nor the producers have heard from him since the “Tell All” was taped. And please, for the Love of God, let that be the end of Danielle and Mohamed.

90 Day Fiance HEA Recap: The Couples Tell All

In true 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After fashion the first ten minutes of the tell all special are wasted with flashbacks we’ve seen a hundred times before and fake drama. The producers clutch their pearls because they can’t contact Jorge and Anfisa. Will they show? Of course they will, because TLC has already shown promos for the episode that include clips of Jorge and Anfisa. Mohamed’s not on set–oh no, will he show? Of course he will, because TLC has already shown promos for the episode that include clips of Mohamed. How stupid does TLC think its audience is?

The host, whoever she is, is awful. She starts things off by asking Jorge about the status of his and Anfisa’s relationship. After a dramatic producer-inserted pause, he says that it’s over. We already knew that, and this is what bugs me so much about this show. The host asks a question, a pause is edited in so we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats waiting to hear the response, and when it comes it’s something we already know from the previous episode. When will TLC figure out that this type of ham-handed manipulation doesn’t create anticipation, it insults the viewers?

Anyway, the host points out that Jorge and Anfisa are staying in the same hotel room (which we know, because we just saw it a couple of minutes ago, so–redundant) and asks why, since they’re no longer together. Jorge responds that he had to pretend that things were fine between them in order to trick Anfisa into participating. The host pretends not to understand what he’s saying, so Anfisa breaks it down: Jorge knew that if Anfisa suspected he was going to call her out during the tell all special she wouldn’t have come, so he acted like everything was fine between them. It’s not that difficult. If Anfisa, who is not a native English speaker, can figure out what Jorge is saying, why can’t this host? I assume she’s some sort of communications professional since she’s hosting this reunion, but so far she’s not very adept at communicating.

She asks Anfisa if she thought the relationship with Jorge was improving. Why would she ask that when Jorge just said the relationship is over? Anfisa doesn’t know about that, she just thinks Jorge likes to play the victim. She might not be the nicest person, but at least she’s been honest about her intentions from the beginning. Amen to that, Anfisa! She feels that Jorge knew what to expect from her, but when she got to the US she discovered that Jorge was not who he was pretending to be. Loren is screwing her face into all kinds of wtf expressions as Anfisa talks, so I assume she’s waiting for an opportunity to lay into her. I don’t know why, because love Anfisa or hate her, she has never once misrepresented herself or tried to downplay her psychotic tendencies. Which is why she makes great TV.

Jorge is either getting a divorce or an annulment, but he hasn’t begun the process for either. The host asks what the basis for an annulment would be, and he says, “a sham marriage.” Instead of pursuing this line of questioning with Jorge, she cuts him off and turns to Danielle. Incredibly, she asks Danielle why she wanted to get her marriage to Mohamed annulled instead of divorcing him. Um, hello? DANIELLE EXPLAINED THIS VERY THING ON EVERY SINGLE EPISODE THIS SEASON. EVERY SINGLE EPISODE! WHY do we have to go over it AGAIN?

Hearing Jorge and Anfisa’s story makes Danielle sad. She thinks people don’t realize how much time, energy and money it takes for an American to bring someone over on a K-1 Visa. Jorge agrees. Mohamed hates it when Americans bring up how much they’ve done for “them,” meaning their foreign spouses, because he feels like the spouses are being objectified. He resents the attitude that coming to the US is a blessing. Well, isn’t it? Mohamed spent the entire season trying to avoid getting sent back to Tunisia.

Paola shuts him down by saying they all wanted to come to the US and experience the American dream. Alexei has empathy for Anfisa and Mohamed, but not much. He doesn’t think either of them came to the US for the right reasons, but Jorge and Danielle also had an agenda, so it is what it is. I love cool-headed, reasonable Alexei. What a contrast to Jorge, who displays ugly American arrogance when he says bringing Anfisa to the US was a blessing for her, because what did she have in Russia? Well–a home, a family, friends, a way of life. Nothing big.

Anfisa admits she is materialistic and that she thought Jorge was going to provide her with a certain lifestyle. Paola asks if she made that clear to Jorge. Yes Paola, I think Anfisa was being quite clear when she told Jorge she was with him because he could buy her things and would leave him if he became incapacitated and could no longer work. Loren asks Anfisa why she doesn’t get a job and Anfisa said Jorge told her he didn’t want his wife to work. Since we’ve seen Jorge talk to her about getting a job several times this season, as in, “when you get your green card you can get a job,” that wasn’t the best move.

Loren asks what Anfisa would do if she had a choice between Jorge and a wealthier man, and Anfisa answers that it would depend on how the wealthier man treats her. Loren calls her a bitch and a gold digger and says Jorge treated her like a princess. Except for the constant lying. Loren yells that Anfisa and Mohamed make the K-1 Visa process look like a joke, but Anfisa asks why she doesn’t blame the Americans? They’re the ones who initiate the process, after all.

Loren is angry that she and Alexei, who are legitimately in love, got denied for a K-1 Visa twice, and because when people like Mohamed and Anfisa abuse the process it makes it harder for real couples to be approved. They go to break and show some pointless behind the scenes footage wherein Loren tries to reason with Mohamed, followed by a montage of the high points of the couples’ marriages. Not surprisingly, the montage does not include any scenes of Danielle and Mohamed’s marriage.

Moving along, how did Pedro know Chantel was the one when he didn’t speak any English when they met? Chantel was learning Spanish at the time, and Pedro used a lot of hand gestures to express himself, so they got by. Paola says it doesn’t matter if there’s a language barrier–if two people have a connection, they know it. I strongly disagree. But I disagree with most things about Paola, so that’s no surprise.

The host randomly cuts off this conversation and asks Mohamed about his marriage to Danielle. He says he learned the hard way, but next time he’ll get to know a person before he gets too involved. Danielle thinks it’s sad that the other couples were willing to stick with each other through the bad times when Mohamed wasn’t. That’s because Danielle and Mohamed only had bad times. Can we be done with these two already? Paola asks why, if Danielle says she’s moved on, does she still stalk Mohamed on social media?

We don’t get an answer, because the host cuts off that conversation as well, and asks Mohamed how his and Danielle’s relationship came about. He explains that it built slowly during a time when he was living outside his country and very lonely, and he learned to appreciate talking to Danielle every night because she made him feel like someone cared about him.

Conversely, Jorge fell in love with Anfisa because of her looks. That is the one and only reason he can give for marrying this girl, so he deserves what he got. Anfisa liked that Jorge was nice and treated her well. She thinks he’s trying to save face after looking like a chump for two years, which is why he is now saying the marriage was a mistake. Jorge tells the host during a break that she only knows half the story, hinting that he has some explosive information to reveal about Anfisa. Like everything else on this show, it’s probably a buildup to nothing. Or something we’ve already seen a thousand times.

Now it’s time to rehash the Loren/Alexei Tourette’s storyline. Loren has Tourette’s. It’s hereditary. Alexei was upset when she told him. Now they’re fine. Except Loren is worried that her children will resent her if they have Tourette’s, because it will be “her fault.” Chantel totally gets it. She would never want to bring a life with some terrible disease into the world. Chantel needs to work on her delivery.

The host thinks it was “powerful” when Loren asked Alexei if it would be so bad if their children turned out like her. The host is a moron. That statement was not powerful. Manipulative, yes. Immature, yes. Bitter, yes. Powerful, no. Loren whines about how hard the preceding segment was for her as they go to break.

And it’s on to Russ and Paola and lingerie-gate. Russ makes snide comments as they show clips of Paola filming her video. There is nothing here we haven’t heard before. Russ feels it’s inappropriate for his wife to wear lingerie in front of other men. Paola doesn’t see anything wrong with it and didn’t want to jeopardize her video gig by refusing to wear it. Russ is oil. Paola is water. They have the same fight they had on the previous episode, the one before that, and the one before that, then Paola walks off the set, wondering why she is even married to Russ. Why indeed, Paola?



90 Day Fiance Ep. 8 Recap: Tourette’s, Turmoil and a Tart

Chantel and Pedro

The episode picks up where the last one left, right after the fight between Chantel and Pedro’s horrible mother and even more horrible sister. Chantel tells Pedro that his sister called her a bitch, and they go back into the resort to confront the mother and sister. They both deny that the sister called Chantel a bitch, and lie to Pedro by saying that Chantel called the sister a bitch first. Have I said that Pedro’s mother and sister are horrible people? Because they are. Chantel didn’t call the sister a bitch anyway–she called her a whore.

Chantel calls them out on their lies by asking the sister why, when Chantel asked her if she called her a bitch, she said yes. The sister plays innocent and whines to Pedro that Chantel asked her the question in English so she didn’t understand what she was saying. Pedro turns on Chantel and it’s three against one. Chantel realizes that out of the three most important women in Pedro’s life, she comes last. Dump this trifling Mama’s boy already, Chantel! When Chantel gets upset he tells his sister that if she apologizes, Chantel will apologize to her. The sister gives a snarky, patently insincere apology that Chantel doesn’t accept. Good girl!

Pedro’s mom tells Chantel that she knew about Pedro’s culture when she married him so she’d better suck it up or let him go. She also says she will never accept Chantel’s culture. I can’t say it enough–Pedro’s mother is awful. Chantel has had enough of this pointless argument and walks away from it. Pedro follows her and they argue about whether their wedding, which is scheduled for the next day, is going to happen. Each wants the other to make the decision, which indicates to me that neither of them want to go through with it but neither of them wants to be the bad guy. Finally Pedro tells her that if she doesn’t want to get married, she shouldn’t show up at the wedding. But he’ll be there waiting for her.

Chantel is still upset that Pedro wouldn’t take her side against his mother and sister. He brings her into a room and prevents the cameras from following, but since they are mic’d we can hear them having the same argument they’ve been having for the last three episodes. Pedro urges her to forget about their families and concentrate on each other, but Chantel isn’t sure what she wants to do.

Danielle and Mohamed

It is finally the day of the annulment hearing and Danielle is getting ready for court. She hopes she’s gathered enough evidence to convince the judge that Mohamed married her for a green card. The only evidence Danielle needs to bring is herself. I mean, duh. Mohamed is also getting ready for the hearing and repeats what he’s said every episode this season: he’s worried the judge will grant Danielle’s request and he’ll get deported. We know. Just get on with it already.

Mohamed decides to film himself on the way to the courthouse…for protection. Huh? Danielle’s stalwart friend Beth is driving her to court and they talk–again–about what might happen at the hearing. Good God, how long can TLC draw out this annulment story? Danielle and Mohamed have indisputably jumped the shark.

Russ and Paola

Pao arrives in New Jersey to shoot her music video. She meets with the producer and wardrobe stylist and assures them she is comfortable being sexy. She has brought a selection of whorish outfits from her personal collection but they are not whorish enough for the producer. He’s got other ideas and tells Pao to keep an open mind when she shows up to shoot the video the next day.

Pao is on her way to the video shoot, and oh my God, her outfit. Silky gym short-shorts with a a fuzzy long-sleeved cropped sweater. Just when you think she couldn’t possibly get any tackier! Where do you even buy this kind of clothing?

Pao flirts with one of the band members while she’s getting her makeup done, then heads over to wardrobe. Gasp–it’s lingerie. We all know Russ’ hard line on lingerie and I guess we’re supposed to feel anxious about what Pao will do. Please. As if there is even a question. Pao rationalizes that if she refuses to wear the lingerie, she’ll have difficulty getting objectified cast in future third-rate music videos. She pretends to be conflicted, but heads to the set (which is basically a bed) in the forbidden garment, which we all knew she would.

She discusses her dilemma with the band member with whom she previously flirted and he pretends to be interested. Does Pao not know that girls like her are a dime a dozen and easily interchangeable? Or that she didn’t get this gig because these gentlemen want to hear her speak? Of course she doesn’t–she still thinks her Miami “agent” is running a modeling service.

Pao wishes Russ could see how professional this video shoot is, which is marginally more professional than her photo shoots have been. It still doesn’t rate an actual studio, but a motel is an upgrade from some booty photographer’s front yard, right?

Loren and Alexei

Loren is in Washington, DC to deliver her speech at the Tourette’s Society function. We rehash Alexei’s less-than-enthusiastic reaction to her announcement that Tourette’s is hereditary. How many times do we need to hear the same things over and over again on this show?!

Loren attends a meet-and-greet the night before she is scheduled to give her speech. The organizers are happy that Loren, as a successful adult living with Tourette’s, can be an inspiration to the kids and teens who are in attendance. She meets a mature and confident young lady whose comfort in her own skin impresses Loren. She wishes Alexei could be there to see how well these families are coping with Tourette’s.

Loren is proud to be sharing her Tourette’s journey, but sad that Alexei isn’t there to support her. Except that he is. Alexei really is a very thoughtful and supportive husband, and it’s actually sweet to see how happy Loren is that he’s come to DC. Loren gives a heartfelt speech as Alexei smiles with pride in the audience. Good for Loren–it looks like she’s finally ready to begin adulting.

Next week: Russ loses trust in Pao, Danielle yells at Mohamed, Jorge and Anfisa meet, and Pedro and Chantel may or may not go through with their wedding.