RHOC Ep. 17 Recap: Vicki Finally Gets Her Casserole

Is this episode really going to be all about Vicki’s phony health scare? This pathetic attention whore will stoop to anything.

Peggy is hovering over Vicki, barking instructions at the physician who is trying to ascertain the problem. Apparently the Armenian way is to bulldoze your way through a situation you know nothing about in an effort to make yourself relevant. Shut up, Peggy. When the doctor asks Vicki if she has a heart condition, she whimpers that she’s under “cardiology care” but doesn’t know what for. Let’s get this straight–Vicki is not under “cardiology care;” she visited a cardiologist to undergo a series of tests, then milked the results that she had a heart murmur for sympathy. Making people feel sorry for her is  the ONLY reason she had those tests, and the only reason for the nonsense viewers are currently being subjected to.

Tamra, no slouch in the fame-whoring department, realizes she’s missing a golden opportunity for some camera time and brushes past the medical team to take center stage on Vicki’s bedside. Dr. Peggy thinks there is too much commotion and tells the other housewives to leave the room, which prompts Kelly to snap her fingers in Peggy’s face and tell her to let the medics do their job. Brava Kelly–exactly.

After hotelier Fridrik lays down the law and reports that the medical team will leave if the women don’t stop congregating around Vicki, Lydia leads a group prayer. Why do the producers feel it’s necessary to broadcast every one of Lydia’s lame prayers? And why is Lydia always the one saying the prayers? Did the false messiah who is getting rich off the stooges who attend her megachurch imbue her with some direct line to God? Probably, in order to keep the donations flowing, and of course Lydia believed it because for all her blather about sparkles and rainbows, Lydia is arrogant.

Kelly continues to diagnose Vicki as having an anxiety attack, and has had enough when Peggy shushes her yet again. Nobody puts Kelly Dodd in a corner! Kelly’s diagnosis is probably pretty accurate. She is no stranger to drinking binges and understands–like fellow whoop-it-upper Vicki should–that anxiety is a by-product of alcohol withdrawal.

Tamra reports that Vicki is being taken to the hospital, then snickers when Vicki emerges from the room in a wheelchair with a robe over her head. Even as she calls out the ridiculousness of Vicki’s drama queen antics, Tamra must feel some grudging respect for the OG’s ability to hijack an entire episode. Right now Tamra is wondering who Vicki’s shame-ectomy (tm Stassi) doctor is, because he or she does excellent work.

As Vicki is whisked away by ambulance, the rest of the ladies go to dinner because, as Meghan reminds them, they have to take care of themselves, too. Meghan assuages any guilt Kelly might feel over the guilt-trip Lydia just laid on her for not immediately going to the hospital by admonishing her that she needs to eat. Meghan’s priorities are in the right place. So are Shannon’s, as her first question upon sitting down to the dinner table is what kind of vodka is available. As much as Tamra makes snide comments about Shannon’s drinking, she is making the right choice for her weight loss journey by opting for vodka over wine or beer. Everyone knows vodka has no carbs, which is why it goes so well with Adderall.

Peggy calls Diko for advice on whether to go to the hospital to be with Vicki. Diko tells her to go, because that’s what she told him to tell her a couple of minutes ago when she called him before the cameras were there.

It’s funny how Vicki felt the need to cover her face with a robe when she was leaving her hotel, which is situated exactly in the middle of nowhere, but doesn’t as she being wheeled into a hospital in the middle of somewhere. Maybe, just maybe, a paparazzi or two will be hanging out by the ER.

Back at dinner, Shannon places a special food order, as I’m sure she does every time she goes out to eat. High maintenance, thy name is Shannon. A debate ensues about who is going to visit Vicki and when they should do it. Kelly insists they all take shifts while Meghan flatly declares that she’s not going. The ghost of last year’s dune buggy accident hospital-gate arises at her statement, but before it can be fully resurrected, a sulky and self-righteous Peggy approaches the table. She is going to the hospital RIGHT NOW because that is what she told Diko to tell her to do. Kelly wants to go, too, and is annoyed that Peggy won’t wait until she finishes her dinner. I want Peggy to keep digging at Kelly because I am desperate to see an old-school Kelly Dodd-style takedown of this self-important twit.

kelly done

Upon learning that Vicki will be returning to the hotel once Peggy gets to the hospital, Meghan hilariously orders a casserole for her. Remember how Vicki snuffled her way through one of the reunions, justifying her odious behavior by saying she was just trying to get someone to show their concern over her fabricated predicament by gifting her with a casserole.

Everyone goes to Shannon’s room for cocktails–even recent heart patient Vicki–where she and Tamra have the long-awaited tete-a-tete. Tamra once again tries to impress upon Vicki how hurtful it was for her to spread the rumor about Eddie being gay. Vicki thinks she did nothing wrong, because, after all, Tamra was spreading rumors about Brooks. This is a typical Vicki rationalization. Tamra wasn’t spreading “rumors” about Brooks. She told Vicki and everyone else that she thought he was a bad guy because he WAS a bad guy. She was trying to be a good friend to Vicki by warning her not to be taken in by him. Vicki STILL sees that as some sort of betrayal, even though Tamra turned out to be right, and spread the Eddie rumor in retaliation. Vicki’s position is indefensible, and the only person who sees it is Shannon, who is on the verge of apoplexy during Tamra and Vicki’s conversation, repeatedly sputtering that Vicki is a “fucking liar.” Which she is.

Vicki has the audacity to be upset because she feels Tamra chose Eddie over her. Um, Eddie is Tamra’s HUSBAND. This attitude is symptomatic of Vicki’s pathological need to be the center of the universe. Her delusion is on display when she tells Shannon that she doesn’t have a vindictive bone in her body. Please. Every bone in Vicki’s body is comprised of a mixture of vindictiveness, desperation and tears. Even Briana recognizes that Vicki has no compunction about hitting someone below the belt when she feels wronged by that person, and isn’t above making something up to achieve it. That, my friends, is the definition of vindictive.

[Ugh–Bethenny Frankel is on WWHL. When will Andy learn that no one–but NO ONE–finds her amusing, charming or entertaining?]

The next morning, everyone is hungover. Kelly has had it with Peggy’s constant shushing and lecturing, and wonders why she can’t understand anything Kelly says. Just like Kelly’s daughter Jolie, Peggy is constantly asking her to explain what she means. Thank goodness someone in this cast is picking up on this shtick and calling Peggy out for it.

Lydia explains, via a hand puppet show, that Shannon is the reason for Tamra and Vicki’s continued rift. Lydia needs to STFU as much as Peggy does. Shannon–tightly wired as she may be–is the only one who sees Vicki for what she is and refuses to indulge her. She deserves respect for not caving in to Vicki’s machinations and histrionics. So again, STFU Lydia. Shannon is not being ridiculous–you are.

Peggy pouts in her room and refuses to respond when the women knock on her door. Materialistic Peggy must really be down in the dumps if she’s skipping a shopping trip! Why would they want Peggy to accompany them anyway? She has no sense of humor, doesn’t understand their language, and when she’s not being a wet blanket, is downright rude. Peggy sucks.

NEXT WEEK: The ugly Americans continue to drink and fight their way through Iceland. I feel like this has been the description of the upcoming episode for three weeks in a row.


RHOC Episode 13 Recap: Dull and Duller

Maybe it’s the grueling 12-hour day I worked on Monday, but I found this week’s episode of RHOC exhausting. It was just more of the same ersatz drama we’ve seen all season long. Did Peggy have cancer or was her double mastectomy a sick ploy for attention? Will Tamra and Vicki make up? Will David finally walk away from his and Shannon’s loveless marriage or will Shannon grow a backbone and demand some respect? We already know that Kelly filed for divorce, so any speculation about the Dodd marriage is moot, and does anyone care about Doug’s vasectomy? Here’s the answer key to the above quiz: no one cares, no one cares, no one cares and no. Why is this show still on the air?

There were only a few noteworthy–and by noteworthy I mean snarkworthy–moments this episode. I can’t even recap the whole thing because I refuse to spend time discussing the done-to-death, season after season issue of whether Vicki and Tamra will make up. They’re both seasoned reality pros and will act in whatever ways they think will give them more screen time. It’s fake, it’s tired and it’s boring.

Diko and Peggy stage a scene about whether he should wear his Louboutin boat shoes to Lydia and Doug’s “Balls Voyage” yacht party. The only point is to let everyone know that Diko has Louboutins. Yes, we get it. Peggy and Diko spend money on flashy items to prove how rich they’re pretending to be. Yawn.

Kelly and Vicki get colonics. When Kelly asks the technicians to measure their respective outputs because she’s sure Vicki is more “full of shit” than she is, I can only imagine how many times these poor workers have heard various iterations of the same joke. Vicki claims she doesn’t “poo” because she thinks it’s gross. Leave it to Vicki to infantilize a normal bodily process to appear–I don’t even know–dainty? childlike? refined? Whatever it is, the attempt fails and she just ends up looking like her regressed, pathetically juvenile, normal self.

She compounds this by whimpering about how she’ll die of a broken heart, mewling over how she just wants to be loved and receive casseroles–instead of skepticism–when she exaggerates her ailments. (She really had Influenza B, people! Look–she has the medical records to prove it!) Vicki keeps trying to revive old catchphrases and refer to contentious storylines from seasons past to stay relevant on a show that has itself become utterly irrelevant. Feeble attempts from a contemptible woman for a woefully inadequate purpose. “Feeble,” “contemptible,” and “inadequate” are all synonyms for “pathetic,” a word that cannot be overused in describing Vicki Gunvalson.

It’s Easter, and everyone is celebrating Jesus’ resurrection. The only people who appear to be enjoying the holiday are Jim and Meghan, who are using baby Aspen’s footprints to make bunny pictures. Vicki is lamenting the state of her and Tamra’s friendship, as usual. Peggy is expressing her disgust that David had the nerve to question Diko about whether or not Peggy had/has cancer. Really Peggy? It cannot be stated enough that Peggy and Diko lead EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL CONVERSATION with Peggy’s double mastectomy. She has absolutely no cause to be outraged–or even surprised–that people would inquire further about the reason behind her decision. Peggy is trying to make this a storyline, but alas, her fake temper tantrums are as boring and transparent as her fake inability to understand simple English.

At the Beador house, Shannon is confiding in her mother about the deplorable state of her marriage. Shannon’s mother gives her some good advice in that Shannon should look within herself for something to make her happy and start pursuing whatever that is. Shannon gives us some valuable–and the first honest–insight into her weight gain. As long as she is fat, she can justify why David is pulling away from her. If she can blame his increasing emotional distance from her on the fact that she’s “let herself go,” she doesn’t have to examine the real reason her marriage is failing, which is that David has no respect for her, overweight or not, and has completely checked out of their relationship. Whatever pressure he’s putting on himself to stay in this miserable union is manifesting itself in cruel digs toward his wife, which are on display throughout most of their scenes together.

Over Easter dinner, David expresses disgust over Shannon’s privileged upbringing, telling her she needs to take the silver spoon out of her mouth in response to an innocuous story Shannon told about her youth. Shannon is flabbergasted, her mother is uncomfortable and the Beador children are squirming in their seats, wishing they were anywhere but in the middle of their parents’ marital strife.

Watching Shannon and David’s marriage unravel (again) is cringeworthy, but at least something on this show is interesting enough to elicit the rubbernecking response that reality tv exists to provoke. It is high time Bravo recognizes this fact and opts to deep-six The Real Housewives of Orange County in favor of a latter-day Scenes from a Marriage, starring Shannon and David BeadorThat, unlike RHOC, would be good tv. Are you listening, Bravo? Because you should be.

Next week: the ladies make bad jokes at a hookah joint (remember–the OC Housewives’ boorish nincompoop-ery is never more on display than when they are confronted with anything more exotic than the local strip mall), Diko interrogates Shannon, and Vicki and Tamra meet. Gee, I can’t wait. *eye roll*

RHOC Episode 12 Recap: In the Middle of the Peanut Gallery

I’m always annoyed by Peggy’s tagline: “I’m living the American dream, one sportscar at a time.” Not only is it completely lame and indicative of her venal value system, it is a ripoff of RHONY’s Kelly Killoren Bensimon, who was living the American dream one mistake at a time.

Kelly Dodd is going in for her breast reduction surgery and happy that Michael is there for her to lean on. She always complains about her marriage, but it seems to be in pretty good shape compared to the many Housewives marriages we’ve seen crumble over the years. Speaking of which…

UPDATE: A couple of hours after I posted this recap, Kelly announced she had filed for divorce. I guess my marriage-ometer is off.

Shannon is panting away on the spin bike David bought her, cursing at the virtual instructor and complaining about how she hates exercise, especially spinning. Of course David bought Shannon the one exercise apparatus she despises most. Does anyone like spinning? People pretend to, but Shannon is right when she says the seat is uncomfortable to the point of being painful, and the inevitably sinewy instructors’ barked orders to pull away from the “pack” are beyond irritating. I always laugh at those Peloton commercials that depict a morning spinning session like it’s some kind of peaceful caesura, complete with a misty sunrise and steaming cup of (I assume herbal) tea. Please. I recently reconnected cable because I watch too much broadcast tv for streaming to be cost effective, so while I’m happy to have access to all my shows again, I am not pleased about having to endure the pandering, condescending and downright stupid commercials that come with them.

A parade of well-wishers visits Kelly as she’s recovering from her surgery. Vicki arrives first, telling Kelly she looks beautiful but telling us in her talking head that Kelly looks like a hot mess. That Vicki, such a great friend. Meghan, who actually is a great friend, visits Kelly because she understands that Kelly goes for the jugular when she’s upset and takes responsibility for upsetting her. They both apologize to each other because each of them values the other’s friendship. I find it interesting that Meghan, whom all these 40- and 50-something women originally dismissed as a 30-year-old know-nothing, actually knows more and is infinitely more mature than her elder castmates.

But maybe Meghan is rubbing off on Shannon, because Shannon also visits Kelly, noting that she is able to forgive Kelly for her past behavior because Kelly, unlike Vicki, has shown remorse over it. For all of Shannon’s craziness, she has moments of clarity where you can see that she might be kind of cool if her self-esteem wasn’t entirely dependent on the state of her marriage.

Shannon’s craziness is the topic of conversation du jour, as everyone discusses her most recent meltdown with Lydia. Everyone, including Shannon, thinks the whole thing was juvenile. Tamra thinks Shannon’s oversensitivity is becoming tiresome, but Kelly recognizes that Shannon’s emotional fragility is a result of her tenuous relationship with David. Kelly sees that Shannon is taking it out on everyone except David, but warns that Shannon needs to get some perspective on how she’s behaving or she risks alienating her friends. Kelly Dodd is a regular font of wisdom this episode–who would have thunk it?!

Yuck, Peggy. Peggy is pretending to teach her daughter how to cook, Armenian-style. The cabbage rolls she’s making look like blunts, so of course Diko pretends not to know what a blunt is, and Peggy pretends not to know who Cheech and Chong are. A typical day of fakery in the Sulahian household.

Lydia is planning to throw a “Balls Voyage” party for Doug. That’s pretty original, considering that Kelly just threw a “Boobs Voyage” party for herself during the last episode. She calls Vicki first, because whether or not Vicki will attend affects whether the other housewives will show up. Fortunately Vicki is on her deathbed with the sniffles some rare form of the flu so she is out of commission.

Thank God we’re spared the requisite scene of one housewife calling all the other housewives, one by one, to invite them so some event. Everyone except Lydia and Vicki is meeting for dinner, so Lydia will only have to make one call to invite them to her party. Before she does, however, there are other subjects to discuss.

Shannon has eschewed alcohol during her weight loss journey, except for all those times she’s guzzled booze so far this season. A helpful montage reminds us that for Shannon, eschewing alcohol means making a beeline for the bar at every opportunity. Kelly has bounced back from her surgery in record time, which prompts Peggy to wonder if she’ll be as fortunate after her reconstructive surgery. Since Peggy brought it up, Meghan asks if she opted for a double mastectomy because she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Peggy is offended by the question, wondering who would ask whether someone has cancer? I wonder how Peggy could possibly question Meghan’s inquiry, when she has inserted her double mastectomy into every conversation she’s had with these ladies. It’s natural for them to ask her why she had it done. Peggy, as usual, is being disingenuous.

She is also incredibly inarticulate, as everyone is still confused as to whether or not she was actually diagnosed with cancer. Based on what she has said, in alternatively conflicting and circuitous ways, I think this is what happened. Peggy was freaked out because her mother died from breast cancer, so, despite having no lump or other symptoms, she decided to be proactive in determining whether or not she was at risk. Apparently she had a battery of tests, during which the doctors found three millimeters of abnormal cells that had the potential of becoming cancerous. Even though she tested negative for the BRCA gene and had not been diagnosed with breast cancer, she opted to remove the possibility by undergoing an elective double mastectomy. All this makes sense, but because Peggy is incapable of clearly explaining the process, something about it seems shady and attention-seeking. Luckily for Peggy, Meghan has retired her cancer detective badge and accepts that Peggy, like Meghan’s mother, simply opted for preventive surgery. I hope this is the end of it, because I am beyond sick of Peggy, her husband, her daughters, and her double mastectomy.

It’s time for Lydia to call with her “Balls Voyage” party invitation. She’s upset that she wasn’t invited to dinner, when she takes pains to invite everyone to everything. Shannon arranged the dinner, so did she exclude Lydia on purpose? Lydia has provoked Shannon, gaslighted her, and made it clear she doesn’t like her, so why is she surprised Shannon wouldn’t invite her? I don’t like Lydia’s sparkle, and I wish Bravo would let me get off her rainbow. Once everyone learns that Vicki will not be attending Lydia’s party, they agree to go and ask her to text them the details, but Lydia, in a snit over not being included in the dinner, has hung up.

Shannon calmly (for her) explains why she was upset with Lydia at Kelly’s party, then segues into how Peggy tried to stop her from defending Tamra at said party. Kelly tells Peggy it was not her place to insert herself into the argument because it was none of her business. You tell her, Kelly! Peggy of course pretends not to understand Kelly’s use of the phrase “peanut gallery,” a tactic I’m starting to think is Peggy’s way of diverting the direction of conversations she doesn’t like. Maybe it usually works for her, but she hasn’t come up against Kelly Dodd before, and Kelly Dodd is not going to be diverted. Kelly rephrases and tells Peggy she shouldn’t have put herself in the middle, but Peggy, tenaciously refusing to give up her shtick, pretends that Kelly is saying Peggy physically placed herself in the middle of Vicki/Kelly and Tamra/Shannon. Peggy wasn’t standing in the middle of them–she was standing behind them, therefore Kelly is wrong. Kelly has had enough of Peggy’s spurious misinterpretations and snaps, “Didn’t you go to UCLA?”

Everyone except humorless Peggy snickers that they must have taught about peanut galleries and the middle at USC, and when Meghan tries to clarify what Kelly is saying, Peggy barks that she understands perfectly what Kelly is saying–Kelly is trying to accuse her of something she didn’t do. That is not what is happening here. Kelly is pointing out that Peggy had no place inserting herself into the middle of an argument, and Peggy is trying to weasel out of taking responsibility for overstepping her bounds by using semantic gymnastics. Everyone sees you, Peggy–it’s time you start seeing yourself.

When Peggy goes to the ladies’ room, everyone discusses their confusion about whether or not she has cancer–they all should take a cue from Meghan and let it go. Please stop giving Peggy’s obfuscations life, people.

The talk turns to Lydia’s party, and how Vicki is too sick to attend. Everyone laughs at how dramatic Vicki is; Shannon calls her a victim and Meghan openly mocks her claim to have the MOST rare and MOST serious form of the flu. Stick-in-the-mud Peggy is not amused, but I am when Meghan wants to know what hospital Vicki went to and her medical record number. HA! I guess her detective badge is only semi-retired.

The new and improved Kelly Dodd wins the episode, but I really hope the old Kelly makes an appearance to take down rude, dismissive and transparent Peggy.

Next week: the husbands corner Diko about his wife’s shady cancer status, David’s distant behavior reminds Shannon of his affair, and the Tamra/Vicki will-they-or-won’t-they-make-up nonsense continues.


RHOC Episode 9 Recap: Drag Bingo Blah


I didn’t think it was possible to make drag bingo boring, but RHOC has managed to do it. This franchise is officially dead. RHOC has become as unwatchable as its sister shows The Real Housewives of New Jersey, New York, Atlanta, Potomac and Dallas. I’m holding out hope for Beverly Hills, but only because Erika Jayne is still a cast member. I’m sure the upcoming season will be filled with Lisa Vanderpump’s “cheeky” double entendres, which are as tired as tired can be, advertisements for The Agency, and scenes of Kyle’s manufactured mommy angst as yet another of her endless offspring heads off to college. If Erika Jayne is forced into filming the 953rd Real Housewives bikini wax scene, it’s over.

I can already tell this episode of RHOC is going to be annoying from the “previously on” segment at the top of the show. Peggy’s daughter got into college–how many fucking scenes of kids going to college must we endure?? The only redeeming thing about RHONJ and RHOA is that those cast members’ kids NEVER go to college.

Eddie is watching Tamra vacuum and remarks that it’s a rare sight. He jokes, “I’m the Mexican here!” Because in Southern California it is customary for white people to sip champagne and watch as Mexicans clean their homes, tend to their yards and raise their kids, get it? Maybe Tamra is practicing for when Trump sends the people who perform America’s menial tasks for low pay and little respect back to Mexico–or Puerto Rico, which, according to our president, is where the worst Mexicans come from.

While shopping for baby furniture with Kelly, Meghan informs us that Aspen doesn’t have a crib yet because so far she has been “co-sleeping” with Meghan. Now it’s time for Aspen to become an “independent sleeper,” hence the crib-shopping excursion. What quack introduced Meghan to these phrases and concepts? How gullible is this generation? How could anyone utter the words “co-sleeping” and “independent sleeper” with an utter lack of irony? Every person on the planet should be rolling their eyes at this nonsense, and if they’re not, they should immediately abandon any plans to procreate.

Meghan and Kelly marvel at how well Kelly and Shannon got along during their St. Patrick’s Day outing until Kelly tells Meghan she thinks Shannon was filming her later that day. Kelly has a history of thinking Shannon is setting her up because Shannon has a history of setting Kelly up.

Yuck, Peggy. She is packing for New York to take her daughter to look at colleges (is fashion school considered college?). Kill me. Diko is concerned that Peggy’s $60,000 purse–did you get that? Peggy and Diko are so rich they can afford to spend $60,000 on a purse. Diko wants to make sure you know that–will cause her to get “jacked” at the airport. Peggy misses her cue to say, “What means jacked?” but Diko soldiers on with the scene like any seasoned actor would.

Moving on to the next bit of shtick, he tells Peggy not to go crazy with the shopping while she’s in New York. What a hypocrite, she says. He spends millions of dollars and expects her not to shop? She rattles off the prices of the garish cars in their garage as an example of his lavish spending in a transparent attempt to bolster her argument that he is a hypocrite. Really she just wants to let everyone know how much they paid for their cars. Armenians may value education, but apparently they have little regard for taste or subtlety.

Kelly complains to her mother that Meghan called Shannon and gave her a heads up about Kelly’s belief that she was taping her. Shannon immediately called Kelly and denied it. Kelly decided to take her word for it, but now she’s gunning for Meghan. At her mother’s suggestion, she calls Meghan to ask her why she told Shannon about the filming when Kelly told Meghan she wanted to ask Shannon about it face to face. I feel like that sentence needs to be accompanied by a flow chart to be understood. Meghan apologizes and admits she should have stayed out of it. Her mature and reasonable reaction should have forestalled any potential conflicts arising from this juvenile game of telephone, but of course it didn’t, because now Kelly thinks Meghan can’t be trusted. Grow up, Kelly.

Meghan and Vicki meet for lunch. Meghan wants to understand why Vicki feels hurt by Shannon and Tamra. Vicki is tired of always having to apologize to them when has never, not once, ever been at fault for anything. Brooks was involved in a cancer scam, but in Vicki’s twisted and self-serving view, she had nothing to do with it because she didn’t benefit from it. Except she did. As Meghan points out in her talking head, Vicki may not have benefited financially, but she benefited by receiving all the sympathy and attention (but not casseroles) she so desperately craves. EXACTLY!

Next Vicki tries to weasel out of culpability for her vicious gossip mongering. She didn’t tell Kelly Eddie was gay, she simply asked Kelly if she’d heard the rumor that Eddie was gay. See? She was totally innocent. And she didn’t perpetuate a rumor that David beat Shannon—she has texts and pictures that prove it’s true. So she wasn’t lying, she was just selling out her good friend by revealing damning information that friend had trusted her with, in confidence, to the world. Again, totally innocent. And justified—that’s what Shannon and Tamra get for not bringing Vicki a casserole in her hour of need.

Shannon and Tamra are shopping for drag king outfits to wear to the upcoming drag bingo charity event. Shannon thinks she’s a rocker because she cut cotillion class a couple of times to see Bret Michaels in concert. Since Tamra always jokes about being white trash, she is looking for a mullet wig. Those were jokes? Meghan calls to relay her conversation with Vicki. Tamra gives her credit for sitting down with the sea hag, and Shannon thanks Meghan for being a good friend by defending her and Tamra. Remember that for later. Tamra laughs off Vicki’s claim to have proof of Shannon being beaten by David, saying that if she had it, she would have released it a year ago. Then she says Vicki can suck her balls. Because she was just joking about being white trash.

Tamra arrives at Shannon’s house where a glam squad is assembled to help them look like guys. Really? A glam squad to draw whiskers and tie bandanas? They surprise Kelly and Lydia with the drag king theme of the evening—Kelly is fine with it, but Lydia is uncomfortable because she’s…a Christian? Huh? Since the bible doesn’t say anything about drag queens, Lydia decides God probably won’t smite her for stepping outside her comfort zone and playing along. Lydia doesn’t realize it’s safer to incur the wrath of God than the scorn of a roomful of drag queens. She’ll soon find out, however, because, as Lydia herself points out, she looks like the daughter of Liza Minelli and Charlie Chaplin.

Vicki brags about snagging trophy man Steve, and she has a right to, I guess, because how this guy can stand her is one of the deepest mysteries of the universe. For all her desperate protestations about being a catch, even she must be wondering how she pulled this one off. Vicki wants Steve to buy a boat with her and is surprised when he nonchalantly agrees. She worries that drama-free Steve might eventually bore her, and that, ladies and gentlemen, will be the death knell of their relationship. Vicki is her own worst enemy.

On the way to bingo, Shannon and Tamra sit there and say nothing while Kelly and Lydia throw Meghan under the party bus for stirring the Vicki-Shannon-Tamra pot. That’s the same Meghan who, two days ago, deserved credit for sitting down with Vicki and was a good friend for defending Tamra and Shannon to her. Nice. Meghan, along with Tamra’s psychic, Scott, is waiting for them at the bingo event. Tamra tries to obfuscate the fact that Scott is only there to create drama by saying she invited him because he lives around the corner from the bar where the bingo event is being held. Tamra is slipping. Scott immediately predicts that Kelly and Vicki will turn against each other, but Kelly smells a set up. If even Kelly can see through you, you need to up your game.

Ugh, Peggy. She and Diko are out to dinner discussing their daughter’s college plans. Diko doesn’t want her to go and thinks Peggy is pushing her into it. What parent doesn’t want their child to go to college if that child has expressed a desire to do so? Peggy explains his attitude by saying that Armenian fathers are protective of their daughters, as if fathers being protective of their daughters is some kind of cultural anomaly. I am so over these two. I don’t care if their daughter goes to college, I don’t care how they feel about it, and I don’t care about them.

Back to drag queen bingo, which is only marginally less dull than Peggy and Diko. Shannon is getting spanked for calling out a false bingo, and RHOC hits a new low by zooming in on her butt crack. Tamra asks Scott the psychic if Kelly is going to be nice to her, and Kelly says she’ll be nice to Tamra, but not Meghan. Kelly has obviously had a few drinks. Meghan wonders what has warranted Kelly’s attack, and Kelly brings up her phone call to Shannon about the alleged filming. Maybe the drag king garb has rubbed off on Shannon, because she grows a pair and tells Kelly Meghan was just trying to be a good friend by warning her that Kelly was upset about it. Kelly doesn’t understand the concept of being friends with more than one person—she thought Meghan was HER friend and shouldn’t have tattled to Shannon.

Meghan says she was Kelly’s friend until Kelly sent the text saying that Jim was cheating on her. The other ladies are appalled that Kelly would send such a text, especially since Meghan was seven months pregnant at the time. Kelly “defends” herself by saying it was just retaliation for Meghan’s questioning her about having a boyfriend. Is Kelly fourteen? Shannon recognizes Kelly’s tit-for-tat modus operandi, except that it’s more like vicious-tit-for-mildly-insulting-tat.

Kelly is also upset that Meghan told Vicki about the text and refuses to believe it when Shannon tells her that Vicki, not Meghan, is the problem. Kelly thinks Meghan should stay home and take care of her baby, who is sitting there all alone while her mother is out stirring the pot. Wow—Kelly is despicable. Tamra follows Meghan to the bathroom while Shannon scolds Kelly for attacking Meghan as a mother. Incredibly, Kelly protests that she didn’t attack Meghan’s mothering. How could anyone be so pathologically unaware of their own abhorrent behavior?

In the bathroom, Meghan is upset but taking Kelly’s accusation in stride—it’s not like Kelly has an iota of credibility, after all—and takes the high road by saying good-bye to Kelly on her way out. Kelly doesn’t respond, because, like Peggy, she doesn’t know what means “high road,” and because she’s a miserable fishwife who forgot to take her Risperdal.

Next week: Lydia is an idiot, Peggy and Diko are boring, Shannon is needy, and Vicki wears an exceptionally unflattering dress to the birthday she’s thrown—of course—for herself.