90 Day Fiance HEA Ep. 11: The Couples Tell All (of the same things they told last week)

They are actually going to drag this thing out for three installments. Let’s see if anything new is revealed this episode.

It’s not looking good so far as the first scene is a repeat of last week’s final scene. Pao is pissed that Russ is not backing her up about the lingerie/video thing so she walks off stage, wondering why she is even married “with” him. He follows her, and the argument continues. Not only are they fighting about the same thing they fought about this entire season, they’re fighting about what they fought about at the last reunion–so it’s a rehash times two. Pao is upset that he said she did things behind his back, when all season long she did things behind his back. She is actually saying that she did not make the choice to wear the lingerie for the video. Did the producer hold her captive and force her to wear it? If she didn’t make the decision, who did? And why is Russ letting her get away with this argument? For a rigid control freak, he sure is a pussy.

Now the host wants to focus on Danielle and Mohamed, so they are the only couple on the set. Oh look–a flashback to last year. There is absolutely nothing Danielle and Mohamed can say or do that they haven’t already said or done a thousand times, so I’m not even going to bother to recap this segment. The real action is backstage, anyway, where Loren is ranting (again) that Danielle and Mohamed and Jorge and Anfisa have made a mockery of the K-1 Visa process on national TV, and she is embarrassed to be associated with them. Hey Loren–if you don’t want to be associated with them, don’t agree to be on a show with them.

The minute Loren brings her into it, Anfisa leaves the room. This gives mean girls Pao and Loren the chance to gang up on Jorge. Loren tells Jorge there is no way Anfisa fell in love with him and was just using him for his money; Pao asks him if Anfisa was a mail-order bride and tells him he could have done better because she’s not that pretty. Loren says she can’t even tell what she looks like because all she can see is Botox. How bitchy. They are both ten years older than Anfisa and should know better to engage in this kind of petty attack behind her back. Loren and Pao’s catty barbs are clearly making Chantel uncomfortable, and to her credit she doesn’t join them in raking Jorge and Anfisa over the coals. Loren ends the conversation with a classic bitch move–telling Jorge she wishes him well after she’s just spent ten minutes tearing him down. How did poor little Tourette’s syndrome Loren learn to sharpen her claws when such an embarrassing affliction certainly would have precluded her from being in the popular clique in middle school? Unless it didn’t, because it wasn’t as bad as she’d like us to believe, and she was able to hone her bitchiness throughout her high school years, finally mastering her craft in one of America’s premier passive-aggressive bitchery laboratories, the sorority house.

Everyone is back on set, and Alexei feels bad for Jorge after Pao and Loren Regina George’d him. In the words of my sister, “Poor Alex. This is so beneath him.” The host turns the conversation back to Russ and Pao, saying she was surprised they’re still so sensitive to the lingerie issue, since they’ve already discussed it ad nauseum. Jorge tells Russ if he trusts Pao he shouldn’t have a problem with it, then Russ abandons every principle he’s ever purported to have. He says Pao looked classy and beautiful and he would never change anything about her. Russ must really need to get laid.

The host asks Loren what kind of friendly advice she would give Danielle and Mohamed, and Loren uses the opportunity to pontificate yet again about their abuse of the K-1 Visa process.

Now it’s time to talk about Jorge and Anfisa’s ill-fated dinner with Jorge’s sister Lourdes, where Lourdes told Jorge that Anfisa only “spreads her legs” for him when he has money. Yes, her statement was crude, but it’s ridiculous for the host to clutch her pearls and refuse to repeat it. This is the woman who sat by last year, salivating while Mohamed discussed Danielle’s sexual problems. Don’t act like this is some kind of refined forum, Shaun Robinson (whoever you are).

As we already know, Anfisa was upset that Jorge didn’t defend her to Lourdes. Anfisa didn’t feel welcome around Jorge’s family, so, tyrant that she is, wouldn’t allow Jorge to see them. Loren chalks up Anfisa’s attitude to her cultural background, stating that Russians are cold. That’s nice, considering her husband is Russian. Anfisa, being Anfisa, is fine with being characterized as cold. She sits there stone-faced as Loren explains that Russians are more reserved than, say, spicy Latinas like Pao. Pao grabs the spotlight while she has the chance and shimmies all over her seat.

The host asks Chantel about the voodoo chicken feet. Everyone agrees it was rude for Pedro’s mother to serve chicken feet to Chantel’s family when his mother never eats them herself. Pao asks Chantel if she thinks Pedro’s mother likes her. Chantel thinks she does, but isn’t sure how she feels about the Family Chantel. She reiterates that Pedro’s family is still upset Chantel’s parents made him sign a pre-nup (Jesus, people, let it GO!), then Pedro drops the bombshell that his mother is a lawyer. Pedro’s mother is a lawyer? I find that incredibly difficult to believe.  Unless “lawyer” means “nail tech” in Spanish.

Back to Jorge and Anfisa, and Anfisa’s revelation that Jorge was her “first man.” No one believes it, and Anfisa doesn’t care. Jorge believed it at first because he didn’t find any sexual dirt on her during his “vetting” process. I have to laugh thinking about what Jorge’s vetting process could have possibly entailed other than trolling her social media and checking to see if she had a Suicide Girls profile.

Jorge has learned not to trust everything Anfisa says, but the host points out that Anfisa has been honest with him about her gold digging from Day 1. Jorge never told her he was a millionaire, but he admits that he flashed money in her face. Pao interrupts to ask a burning question. She has read there are gold digging academies in Russia and wonders if Anfisa went to one (and if their program is better than the Colombian gold digging academy Pao attended). Pao is really showing what a bitch she is this episode. No wonder Juan is her best friend. Anfisa just laughs in her face and says that, sure, she’ll say she went there, if that’s what everyone wants to hear. Anfisa has just done a superb job of making Pao look like an idiot, and I applaud her for it. Alexei has read my mind and tells Pao that he’s sure there are gold digging classes in Colombia, too.

Jorge was not put off by Anfisa’s blatant materialism because he thinks all girls are “about the money.” I just noticed that Russ looks exactly like Hermey, the elf who wants to be a dentist, from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The host wonders why Jorge seems so angry. It’s because he gave Anfisa trust and she stabbed him in the back. Anfisa reminds him that she hasn’t said anything bad about him today; Jorge replies that’s because she’s afraid of what he’ll say about her.

And that’s the end. I guess we have to wait until next week to hear Jorge accuse Anfisa of whatever terrible thing TLC has been teasing. Knowing this show, it will be utterly anticlimactic.

 

 

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