RHOC Episode 9 Recap: Drag Bingo Blah

 

I didn’t think it was possible to make drag bingo boring, but RHOC has managed to do it. This franchise is officially dead. RHOC has become as unwatchable as its sister shows The Real Housewives of New Jersey, New York, Atlanta, Potomac and Dallas. I’m holding out hope for Beverly Hills, but only because Erika Jayne is still a cast member. I’m sure the upcoming season will be filled with Lisa Vanderpump’s “cheeky” double entendres, which are as tired as tired can be, advertisements for The Agency, and scenes of Kyle’s manufactured mommy angst as yet another of her endless offspring heads off to college. If Erika Jayne is forced into filming the 953rd Real Housewives bikini wax scene, it’s over.

I can already tell this episode of RHOC is going to be annoying from the “previously on” segment at the top of the show. Peggy’s daughter got into college–how many fucking scenes of kids going to college must we endure?? The only redeeming thing about RHONJ and RHOA is that those cast members’ kids NEVER go to college.

Eddie is watching Tamra vacuum and remarks that it’s a rare sight. He jokes, “I’m the Mexican here!” Because in Southern California it is customary for white people to sip champagne and watch as Mexicans clean their homes, tend to their yards and raise their kids, get it? Maybe Tamra is practicing for when Trump sends the people who perform America’s menial tasks for low pay and little respect back to Mexico–or Puerto Rico, which, according to our president, is where the worst Mexicans come from.

While shopping for baby furniture with Kelly, Meghan informs us that Aspen doesn’t have a crib yet because so far she has been “co-sleeping” with Meghan. Now it’s time for Aspen to become an “independent sleeper,” hence the crib-shopping excursion. What quack introduced Meghan to these phrases and concepts? How gullible is this generation? How could anyone utter the words “co-sleeping” and “independent sleeper” with an utter lack of irony? Every person on the planet should be rolling their eyes at this nonsense, and if they’re not, they should immediately abandon any plans to procreate.

Meghan and Kelly marvel at how well Kelly and Shannon got along during their St. Patrick’s Day outing until Kelly tells Meghan she thinks Shannon was filming her later that day. Kelly has a history of thinking Shannon is setting her up because Shannon has a history of setting Kelly up.

Yuck, Peggy. She is packing for New York to take her daughter to look at colleges (is fashion school considered college?). Kill me. Diko is concerned that Peggy’s $60,000 purse–did you get that? Peggy and Diko are so rich they can afford to spend $60,000 on a purse. Diko wants to make sure you know that–will cause her to get “jacked” at the airport. Peggy misses her cue to say, “What means jacked?” but Diko soldiers on with the scene like any seasoned actor would.

Moving on to the next bit of shtick, he tells Peggy not to go crazy with the shopping while she’s in New York. What a hypocrite, she says. He spends millions of dollars and expects her not to shop? She rattles off the prices of the garish cars in their garage as an example of his lavish spending in a transparent attempt to bolster her argument that he is a hypocrite. Really she just wants to let everyone know how much they paid for their cars. Armenians may value education, but apparently they have little regard for taste or subtlety.

Kelly complains to her mother that Meghan called Shannon and gave her a heads up about Kelly’s belief that she was taping her. Shannon immediately called Kelly and denied it. Kelly decided to take her word for it, but now she’s gunning for Meghan. At her mother’s suggestion, she calls Meghan to ask her why she told Shannon about the filming when Kelly told Meghan she wanted to ask Shannon about it face to face. I feel like that sentence needs to be accompanied by a flow chart to be understood. Meghan apologizes and admits she should have stayed out of it. Her mature and reasonable reaction should have forestalled any potential conflicts arising from this juvenile game of telephone, but of course it didn’t, because now Kelly thinks Meghan can’t be trusted. Grow up, Kelly.

Meghan and Vicki meet for lunch. Meghan wants to understand why Vicki feels hurt by Shannon and Tamra. Vicki is tired of always having to apologize to them when has never, not once, ever been at fault for anything. Brooks was involved in a cancer scam, but in Vicki’s twisted and self-serving view, she had nothing to do with it because she didn’t benefit from it. Except she did. As Meghan points out in her talking head, Vicki may not have benefited financially, but she benefited by receiving all the sympathy and attention (but not casseroles) she so desperately craves. EXACTLY!

Next Vicki tries to weasel out of culpability for her vicious gossip mongering. She didn’t tell Kelly Eddie was gay, she simply asked Kelly if she’d heard the rumor that Eddie was gay. See? She was totally innocent. And she didn’t perpetuate a rumor that David beat Shannon—she has texts and pictures that prove it’s true. So she wasn’t lying, she was just selling out her good friend by revealing damning information that friend had trusted her with, in confidence, to the world. Again, totally innocent. And justified—that’s what Shannon and Tamra get for not bringing Vicki a casserole in her hour of need.

Shannon and Tamra are shopping for drag king outfits to wear to the upcoming drag bingo charity event. Shannon thinks she’s a rocker because she cut cotillion class a couple of times to see Bret Michaels in concert. Since Tamra always jokes about being white trash, she is looking for a mullet wig. Those were jokes? Meghan calls to relay her conversation with Vicki. Tamra gives her credit for sitting down with the sea hag, and Shannon thanks Meghan for being a good friend by defending her and Tamra. Remember that for later. Tamra laughs off Vicki’s claim to have proof of Shannon being beaten by David, saying that if she had it, she would have released it a year ago. Then she says Vicki can suck her balls. Because she was just joking about being white trash.

Tamra arrives at Shannon’s house where a glam squad is assembled to help them look like guys. Really? A glam squad to draw whiskers and tie bandanas? They surprise Kelly and Lydia with the drag king theme of the evening—Kelly is fine with it, but Lydia is uncomfortable because she’s…a Christian? Huh? Since the bible doesn’t say anything about drag queens, Lydia decides God probably won’t smite her for stepping outside her comfort zone and playing along. Lydia doesn’t realize it’s safer to incur the wrath of God than the scorn of a roomful of drag queens. She’ll soon find out, however, because, as Lydia herself points out, she looks like the daughter of Liza Minelli and Charlie Chaplin.

Vicki brags about snagging trophy man Steve, and she has a right to, I guess, because how this guy can stand her is one of the deepest mysteries of the universe. For all her desperate protestations about being a catch, even she must be wondering how she pulled this one off. Vicki wants Steve to buy a boat with her and is surprised when he nonchalantly agrees. She worries that drama-free Steve might eventually bore her, and that, ladies and gentlemen, will be the death knell of their relationship. Vicki is her own worst enemy.

On the way to bingo, Shannon and Tamra sit there and say nothing while Kelly and Lydia throw Meghan under the party bus for stirring the Vicki-Shannon-Tamra pot. That’s the same Meghan who, two days ago, deserved credit for sitting down with Vicki and was a good friend for defending Tamra and Shannon to her. Nice. Meghan, along with Tamra’s psychic, Scott, is waiting for them at the bingo event. Tamra tries to obfuscate the fact that Scott is only there to create drama by saying she invited him because he lives around the corner from the bar where the bingo event is being held. Tamra is slipping. Scott immediately predicts that Kelly and Vicki will turn against each other, but Kelly smells a set up. If even Kelly can see through you, you need to up your game.

Ugh, Peggy. She and Diko are out to dinner discussing their daughter’s college plans. Diko doesn’t want her to go and thinks Peggy is pushing her into it. What parent doesn’t want their child to go to college if that child has expressed a desire to do so? Peggy explains his attitude by saying that Armenian fathers are protective of their daughters, as if fathers being protective of their daughters is some kind of cultural anomaly. I am so over these two. I don’t care if their daughter goes to college, I don’t care how they feel about it, and I don’t care about them.

Back to drag queen bingo, which is only marginally less dull than Peggy and Diko. Shannon is getting spanked for calling out a false bingo, and RHOC hits a new low by zooming in on her butt crack. Tamra asks Scott the psychic if Kelly is going to be nice to her, and Kelly says she’ll be nice to Tamra, but not Meghan. Kelly has obviously had a few drinks. Meghan wonders what has warranted Kelly’s attack, and Kelly brings up her phone call to Shannon about the alleged filming. Maybe the drag king garb has rubbed off on Shannon, because she grows a pair and tells Kelly Meghan was just trying to be a good friend by warning her that Kelly was upset about it. Kelly doesn’t understand the concept of being friends with more than one person—she thought Meghan was HER friend and shouldn’t have tattled to Shannon.

Meghan says she was Kelly’s friend until Kelly sent the text saying that Jim was cheating on her. The other ladies are appalled that Kelly would send such a text, especially since Meghan was seven months pregnant at the time. Kelly “defends” herself by saying it was just retaliation for Meghan’s questioning her about having a boyfriend. Is Kelly fourteen? Shannon recognizes Kelly’s tit-for-tat modus operandi, except that it’s more like vicious-tit-for-mildly-insulting-tat.

Kelly is also upset that Meghan told Vicki about the text and refuses to believe it when Shannon tells her that Vicki, not Meghan, is the problem. Kelly thinks Meghan should stay home and take care of her baby, who is sitting there all alone while her mother is out stirring the pot. Wow—Kelly is despicable. Tamra follows Meghan to the bathroom while Shannon scolds Kelly for attacking Meghan as a mother. Incredibly, Kelly protests that she didn’t attack Meghan’s mothering. How could anyone be so pathologically unaware of their own abhorrent behavior?

In the bathroom, Meghan is upset but taking Kelly’s accusation in stride—it’s not like Kelly has an iota of credibility, after all—and takes the high road by saying good-bye to Kelly on her way out. Kelly doesn’t respond, because, like Peggy, she doesn’t know what means “high road,” and because she’s a miserable fishwife who forgot to take her Risperdal.

Next week: Lydia is an idiot, Peggy and Diko are boring, Shannon is needy, and Vicki wears an exceptionally unflattering dress to the birthday she’s thrown—of course—for herself.

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