I cannot figure out what this guy Steve is doing with Vicki. He seems stable and calm, he’s great with Briana’s kids, he appears to be thoughtful and he grills. Is the obnoxious woman-child she portrays on TV just an act? Is there a mature and dignified woman hiding underneath all the quivering lips and desperation and woo-hoos? I don’t believe it, but how else to explain this relationship?

Everyone is talking about Meghan’s sip-and-see. Meghan calls Vicki to formally invite her and since we know she’s going to come, her pause when she hears that Shannon and Tamra will be there is devoid of any drama it’s intended to create. Bravo needs to learn that the filler scenes of housewives calling other housewives to invite them to various events are unnecessary and boring. This season has way too much filler already.

Peggy and her husband discuss the women’s behavior at the “Lambo” party. Peggy struggles with run-of-the-mill figures of speech to the extent that I think struggling with figures of speech are her shtick. In one short scene she pretends she doesn’t understand the phrases “beating a dead horse,” getting a “lump of coal” from Santa or how someone’s “ears are ringing.” According to the terms of the Eileen Davidson Accord, Peggy is now fair game since we are past the fifth episode in which she appears, but there is nothing much to say about her. So far she’s very boring and seems to be putting on some kind of an act.

Lydia and her husband are throwing a party to launch their pretentious magazine. Lydia is nervous about inviting the other housewives because she doesn’t know if they’ll behave well. She will gauge how they act at the sip-and-see and make her decision based on that.

Tamra and Shannon are shopping for sip-and-see gifts and practicing how they’ll say hello to Vicki. Vicki and Kelly are shopping for sip-and-see gifts at a baby boutique across town and discussing how they’ll handle Shannon and Tamra. And making a spectacle of themselves fake gagging over the smell of some baby’s poopy diaper. This is the level of dialogue Bravo thinks we find entertaining? I hate myself for watching this show.

Tamra was supposed to set up a meeting between Kelly and Shannon so they could clear the air before the sip-and-see, but she hasn’t done it. Shannon wants to get it over with before the sip-and-see so they call Kelly and plan to meet over smoothies that afternoon. I can’t wait for this sip-and-see to be over because I’m tired of typing sip-and-see. I’m also tired of hearing about Kelly’s vaginal rejuvenation. We had to watch it, then we had to listen to her tell Tamra about it, and now she’s describing its aftereffects to Vicki. Enough.

Oh my God! Tamra and Shannon go to the smoothie store and say they’ll “have” this or that instead of “do” this or that. Did they read my last recap? I’m impressed. Kelly joins them and Shannon is worried because it could go well or it could go “Madison Square.” Oh Shannon, you are so NOT a gangster. Shannon reacted to Kelly the way she did at the Quiet Woman because she thought Kelly knew they were going to be there and came specifically to stir up shit. Kelly thought only Lydia and Peggy were going to be there and had no intention of offending Shannon. Really Kelly? You told Shannon she needs hormones and to keep eating because you were trying to be polite? Please. I’m no fan of Heather Dubrow, but she correctly assessed Kelly’s modus operandi last season: act abominably, say you never intended to offend anyone and that you’re not really like that, then act abominably again and repeat.

The smoothie meeting ends well when everyone says they just want to get past the hurt and move on. Then the next day Kelly tells Vicki that Shannon thinks she caused her weight gain and ruined her family. Vicki perpetuates her lie by saying she has photos and text messages that prove David beats Shannon. Way to move on, ladies.

Vicki is bitching because the “milleniums” [sic] have started this sip-and-see thing as a way to get people to bring them gifts. She is wrong, as usual. She is tired of having to spend $100 every time she goes over to someone’s house. How gracious. Vicki should feel lucky to be invited anywhere given how awful she is. Why would a rich and powerful insurance magnate like herself care about spending a lousy hundred bucks on a gift, anyway?

Everyone arrives at the sip-and-see and…nothing happens. With all the buildup this event was given over the last two episodes I expected some serious drama. Instead, Tamra, Shannon and Vicki ignore each other, Meghan opens a bunch of cute baby clothes, and Lydia decides to invite the ladies to her magazine launch party. What a letdown. The only remarkable thing to come out of the sip-and-see is that Vicki somehow thinks Shannon and Tamra owe her an apology. Let me get this straight–Vicki thinks she is owed apologies after she spread rumors that Shannon’s husband beats her and Tamra’s husband is gay? What is wrong with this woman? She is an enigma wrapped in a riddle but apparently not cash, since she begrudges every hostess gift she has to buy.

Shannon makes a beeline for the hors d’oeuvres and vodka once Vicki leaves, and Tamra thinks Shannon is using food and alcohol as a crutch for dealing with stress. Nothing gets past Tamra Judge! Vicki and Kelly make fun of Shannon’s weight on the way home while Tamra, Shannon and Meghan rip on Vicki at the sip-and-see. Meghan wants to sit down with Vicki and find out how Vicki thinks Shannon and Tamra hurt her, but we already know the answer to this. Vicki retaliated against them because they called her out for faking Brooks’ cancer and being a con woman. She wasn’t hurt, she was pissed. She was pissed because she got caught. Meghan knows that Vicki always has to play the victim, so why does she even want to waste her time on her? Vicki will never take responsibility for anything she’s ever done.

Next week: Tamra and Peggy argue, Kelly and Michael argue and Vicki hassles her son about his love life. Again. Yawn.