We pick up where we left off, with Lydia and Shannon having it out at Tamra’s granddaughter’s birthday party before Shannon storms away, announcing that she’s “fucking done.” A clueless David follows her into the limo, asking what just happened. I feel like David is constantly trying to get to the bottom of Shannon’s meltdowns. Does he still get embarrassed by her public displays, or is he just resigned to them? Probably the latter, since resignation seems to be the theme of David’s life.
Tamra offers Lydia this pearl of wisdom: maybe it’s best not to bring Vicki up in front of Shannon. Lydia figured that out after Shannon went to crazy town on her within ten minutes of meeting her. Shannon is still huffing to David, “I am nothing like Vicki Gunvalson!” Why does she have to protest so much? Why does she always lose it so completely in these situations? She did the same thing when David’s mother showed up to their daughters’ band performance. Has she always been like this? Or has the stress of her crumbling marriage rendered her incapable of controlling herself? O Shannon, who art thou?
We have to watch Vicki talk about how much she’s spending on her new office. Wow, she’s so rich and successful…and disingenuous. She wants cameras installed so she can watch her employees from her phone because she’s a micro manager from hell. And because one of her employees allegedly embezzled from her last year. But mostly because she’s a micro manager from hell.
Peggy and her husband Diko are at the plastic surgeon’s office discussing how big her breast implants should be. Like everyone in Orange County, I’m sure she’ll opt for ones that are way too big for her tiny frame. I am reserving judgment on Peggy in accordance with the Real Housewives Institute’s Eileen Davidson Accord (tm Brian Moylan), so I will refrain from commenting on this segment, except to say that even though it looks like Peggy has everything, she reminds us that every family has its struggles. And that her husband seems to be very supportive of her.
At the offices of Lydia and Doug’s vanity project, Nobleman magazine, Lydia is concerned that they’re not going to get the current issue done on time. She’s also concerned that Doug doesn’t seem concerned about it. She wishes her husband could be more like her father and grandfather, who are famous in Canada for being cutthroat businessmen. Who knew Canadians could be cutthroat? I have learned a cultural fact from the Real Housewives of Orange County–go figure! Tamra calls, and she and Lydia rehash the Shannon altercation. Lydia wonders if she was being oversensitive or if Shannon is really that excitable. It’s the latter, but Tamra says Shannon’s just expressive. Lydia doesn’t buy it, but agrees to bring Peggy to The Quiet Woman for their mandatory cast dinner on Thursday. How much is The Quiet Woman paying Bravo? Vicki didn’t want to break up with Brooks because she didn’t want to be sitting at The Quiet Woman with Shannon looking for their next husbands. Meghan and Kelly met for drinks at The Quiet Woman last season. And now The Quiet Woman is the backdrop for this episode’s main event. And why would anyone name their bar/restaurant The Quiet Woman? What does it mean? From what I can glean from its appearances on this show, it seems to be some sort of glorified honky-tonk where the well-heeled women of the OC go to drink themselves maudlin or troll for men. Anyway…
Tamra plays with her daughter’s guinea pig while she and Shannon discuss the fight with Lydia–it wasn’t that big of a deal, folks–the rehashing of it doesn’t warrant this much screen time. The Quiet Woman dinner is still on, and Shannon will attend.
Meghan and Jim are selling the OC house Meghan just completely overhauled because it’s too big for them since Jim’s daughter Hayley moved out. If Meghan had her druthers, she’d live in a maintenance free condo. Meghan asks Jim if he thinks baby Aspen can see ghosts. Of course he doesn’t. Jim is about as mystical as a concrete stoop. Meghan does, because she reasons that babies have just arrived from the spirit world and have no preconceived notions about it being socially unacceptable to see ghosts. I’m with Meghan on this one. While I enjoy these little vignettes with Meghan, Jim and the baby, I am anxious for her to be integrated with the rest of the cast. I know she signed on late, but these ladies need a voice of reason–preferably one, like Meghan, who knows how to properly use an adverb.
Shannon meets with her trainer. She is determined to lose weight, and she endures a fitness assessment by Trainer Tim, who further shames this already beaten down woman by exclaiming, “Wow!” when she gets on the scale and again when she takes off her shirt. Shannon is whimpering and berating herself the whole time, but despite this, Trainer Tim feels it’s appropriate to basically say that David cannot possibly find her attractive in her current state. Fuck off, Trainer Tim.
Peggy picks up Lydia in her two-tone car on the way to dinner at The Quiet Woman. Again, I’m reserving judgment until the fifth episode of this season, per the afore-mentioned Eileen Davidson Accord. Apparently Lydia has already gone to lunch with Vicki and Kelly Dodd, and she calls Kelly to…what? Introduce her to Peggy? Inquire about her dinner plans? Because production told her to? There seems to be no point to the conversation except to let us know that Kelly refers to The Quiet Woman as “Q-Dub,” and is not planning on attending the mandatory cast dinner because she is on a boat somewhere. Except we all know that she does end up attending the dinner because we saw the previews. And because it’s mandatory.
Shannon and Tamra are riding to the Q-Dub together, and Shannon fills Tamra in on her fitness assessment. She weighs 172 pounds and has 40 percent body fat. Tamra is concerned. She knows how unhealthy this is because she is in the fitness industry. And everyone knows that being a certified aerobics instructor is the next best thing to being a doctor, which must be why Tamra feels justified in judging everything Shannon puts into her mouth.
Lydia warns Peggy not to mention Vicki as Shannon and Tamra approach the table. Everyone greets each other and is introduced to Peggy before they get down to small talk. Peggy is aghast that it took Shannon six years to build her last house. She didn’t build her house because she doesn’t want the hassle. For what? An extra room? A bathroom? Shannon is displeased at this perceived mockery, and explains it took so long because she took great pains to ensure that the house was toxin-free.
They order drinks, and Tamra gives Shannon a side-eye for ordering a Grey Goose and soda. How will she ever lose weight if she drinks alcohol? Let me point out that on the limo ride over, Tamra was all about drinking at this dinner and she and Shannon decided it would be Shannon’s last hurrah.
Lydia wants to clear the air so they rehash the birthday party argument AGAIN. Shannon apologizes for “yelling” at her and Lydia accepts. Then for some reason Shannon tells this table of relative strangers the particulars of her weight gain, and again blames it on the stress caused by Vicki’s allegation that David beats her. Peggy interjects that she and her husband have a joke where they say that every Friday night he beats her. Again, reserving judgment. Shannon doesn’t appreciate Peggy’s Armenian humor. Don’t feel bad Peggy–Shannon doesn’t appreciate any humor.
The waitress comes to take their order and Tamra tries to dissuade Shannon from ordering red meat. How is she ever going to lose weight if she eats beef tenderloin? Tamra suggests a nice piece of dry white fish with unseasoned vegetables on the side–after all, this spartan diet worked for her. Maybe Shannon wants to gets some pleasure out of life, Tamra. It reminds me of when these embarrassing Americans were in Ireland and refused to eat potatoes because–gasp!–carbs.
Lydia invites Tamra and Shannon to her son’s birthday party. Tamra will be at a seminar in Vegas and Shannon declines the invitation because Vicki and Kelly Dodd have also been invited. Cue the entrance of the notorious Kelly Dodd. She heads straight to the bathroom, where Shannon greets her with the non-cotillion-approved phrase, “Are you serious?” She then tells Kelly that she has gained 40 pounds in the last year and her body fat is 40 percent. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Shannon just turn down Lydia’s invitation because Vicki and Kelly would be there? Why would she reveal this information to Kelly? As far as I know their relationship is quite contentious. Is it a preemptive strike, like–you don’t have to call me fat behind my back because I’m letting you know upfront that I know I’m fat? I can’t figure it out.
Kelly is pissed because Shannon said “are you serious” by way of greeting. Shannon protests that she was just surprised to see her, but Kelly isn’t buying it because everyone knows she lives right across the street and that the Q-Dub is her “jam.” Shannon can’t believe Kelly turned on her right after she confided in Kelly about her weight. Has Shannon met Kelly Dodd? Lydia takes a moment to pray for Shannon, which is just weird. And presumptuous.
Kelly sits down at the table, and when Shannon returns things go south. Shannon tries to explain once again that she was surprised to see Kelly because the last time they were together (the reunion) was unpleasant, to say the least. Kelly says Shannon is always upset about something and Shannon–getting upset–orders Kelly to leave the table. Kelly, Queen of the low blows, says maybe Shannon needs some hormones. This sends Shannon over the edge and she tells Kelly to “fuck off,” gives her the finger and calls her a “fucking bitch.” Kelly, stooping ever lower, tells Shannon to “keep eating,” which prompts Shannon to throw her plate at Kelly as the stunned patrons of the Q-Dub look on.
Lydia is embarrassed and she and Peggy head for the door. Tamra takes Shannon outside to calm her down, which she accomplishes by telling Shannon that Kelly Dodd can just go suck on some big hairy balls. That Tamra–keeping it #classyAF as always.