The Guy from Oklahoma and His Cheap Skank of a Wife
I’m over Paola. After sitting there giggling while nasty queen Juan tore her husband to shreds she has the NERVE to be pissed that Russ got up and left. She then proceeds to throw him under the bus YET AGAIN to that smarmy little trick before calling him up and demanding to know where he is. You know where he is? Slumped against a wall on a Miami street cursing himself for making the two biggest mistakes of his life: marrying a trifling famewhore, and chucking his whole life to follow her to the cesspool of Miami.
After fighting over the Juan debacle in the street they take it to their hotel room, continuing to argue over her not supporting him and him not supporting her. The incident prompts Paola to wonder if she’s the right person for Russ and to acknowledge what fundamentally different people they are. She wonders if the marriage can last, and half-heartedly adds that she hopes it can. Russ is also wondering whether the marriage will work, saying that Miami might not be the place to make that happen. It’s not Miami, Russ. Take a cue from your wife and just admit that you’ve both made an enormous mistake and call it quits.
The most disappointing thing to Russ about the Juan debacle was how Paola did not defend him or their relationship. Conveniently, the only thing Paola remembers about the night before was that Russ left her behind. Like a pathetic lapdog, Russ admits he shouldn’t have done that, but tells Paola she becomes a person he doesn’t like when she’s with Juan. Unfortunately, that’s who Paola is, and she says that Russ wanted an exotic wife, only to try to change her once he got her. She has a point. I get why he married her, but why did she marry him? It wasn’t just for a green card, because they’ve been married for awhile, and she did try to stick it out in Oklahoma even though she was miserable there.
Russ says he wants to find a group of friends in Miami they can both be comfortable with, but that ultimately they might need to find another place where they can both be happy. Russ doesn’t get it–Pao has already found her place. She’s not leaving.
Russ visits a headhunter to investigate the job prospects for a drilling engineer in South Florida. They’re not good. The oil and gas industry doesn’t exist there. If he wants to stay in Miami, he’s going to have to make a career transition. Pao already suggested that he become a bartender–problem solved! Russ tells Pao the recruiter is looking for openings in Russ’ field somewhere other than Florida, and the writing is on the wall. If Russ leaves Miami, he leaves by himself. That is the best thing that could happen to either of them.
Pao and Russ have rented a little house in Miami. Russ thinks that Pao doesn’t understand the financial strain he’s under, supporting two households with no job. Thank God for the TLC paychecks! Juan texts Pao to tell her he’s stopping by before he leaves for Colombia. Russ obviously doesn’t want to see him, but Pao insists on it. Does she never learn? And what is she wearing? A flannel shirt as a dress? God, she’s got the WORST taste!
Juan shows up with Christian, and they sit down with Russ and Pao to hash out the other night. Juan eventually apologizes, but as Pao notes, his apology was “fake as hell.” Juan says he only apologized for Pao’s sake, and he will “never, never, never” be friends with Russ. Juan is on his best behavior for the rest of the night, restricting himself to needling Russ about being unemployed and taunting him about Pao’s “career” as a model. If Paola really wants her marriage to work, she should tell Juan to shut the fuck up, and if he wants to be her friend, he’ll respect her husband and her marriage. But she knows her marriage is doomed, and Juan will be there long after Russ is gone, so she says nothing.
On the way out Juan says he’ll continue to bother them and stress them out until they get to the point where they realize they’re just too different and call it quits. Score one for the snarky little bitch.
Loren and Alexei
Post Tourette’s revelation, Alexei and Loren are at the airport to pick up his mother, who is arriving from Israel. Both of them are worried about telling his mom that Tourette’s is hereditary, unlike what Loren’s father told her. She and Alexei are so happy to see each other! Alexei is hoping that his family will consider moving to the US, and his mom, Natasha, is interested to see how her son lives and what life in America is like.
Loren, Alexei and Natasha set off to meet Loren’s mom for a boat tour around Miami. In true Loren style, she wants to wine and dine Natasha and show her only the pretty, shiny parts of Florida to induce her to move there, while keeping the not-so-pretty parts a secret. Natasha speaks Russian, Ukranian and Hebrew–impressive!–so Loren feels left out on the ride to the boat. Loren’s been married to an Israeli for over a year–maybe she could learn Hebrew. Just a thought. Loren greets her mom and prepares to ask her why her parents never told her that Tourette’s is hereditary.
Natasha is enjoying the boat ride and can see herself living in Florida one day. Loren takes her mother aside and asks her THE question. Loren’s mother’s response is despicable, but a giant Palladian window into why Loren is the way she is. She weasels out of keeping this major piece of information from her daughter by saying Tourette’s is not hereditary because passing it down to one’s children is not a 100% sure thing. Loren agrees that there is only a 50% chance of passing it down. Her mother says, “or not.” The mother reasons that since Loren cannot be sure her children will have Tourette’s she shouldn’t worry about it, and she shouldn’t tell Natasha about it either, because why make someone worry about something that might never happen?. Is Loren’s mother the Mad Hatter? It’s like she’s saying the possibility doesn’t exist until the reality exists. No wonder Loren is always sugarcoating and equivocating. No wonder her logic is flawed. Poor Loren. I take back every bad thing I ever said about her.
Of course Loren tried to avoid it as long as she could, but the time has come to tell Natasha about the Tourette’s. She says the news is serious and unpleasant, and wonders why Loren’s father told them it wasn’t hereditary. Loren’s parents have put her in a terrible position, and she runs into the bathroom in tears, crying that “it’s too hard.” Alexei comes in to comfort her, and he translates while she tells Natasha, in her own words, how she feels. Since her parents never told her it could be passed down (there is a question about why she didn’t research her condition herself, or discuss it more thoroughly with her doctors, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt), she never thought about giving it to her children. And while she hopes that doesn’t happen, if it does, she’ll be there to help them through it.
Natasha, who is awesome, says that every family has its difficulties, but with love and understanding they’ll get through it. Awww! *sniff*
Jorge and Anfisa
Jorge is meeting Anfisa at the attorneys’ office for another go-round over the post-nuptial agreement. On the way he calls his sister Lourdes to make plans to meet for dinner that night. He’s not going to tell Anfisa about it because Anfisa and Lourdes don’t get along–go figure. He hasn’t seen Lourdes in a long time and is looking forward to catching up with her. Jorge and Anfisa don’t even make it out of the attorney’s waiting room before he crumbles and tells Anfisa “we’re” meeting Lourdes tonight. Anfisa of course flips out and throws a punch at him, which he blocks. She storms out of the office, leaving Jorge no choice but to follow her, shoulders slumped in defeat. In the hallway, Anfisa rips her microphone off and refuses to continue filming. She and Jorge drive away, the picture of domestic bliss.
Anfisa thinks that Jorge should stick up for her instead of his sisters, and accompanies Jorge to meet Lourdes so she can
confront her talk to her face to face. Lourdes is unhappily surprised to see her. It’s been nine months since Lourdes has seen Jorge, and she wonders what’s been going on with him. Jorge mumbles a vague answer before Anfisa and Lourdes get into it. Anfisa doesn’t want Jorge to see his sisters because they think she’s a whore who married Jorge for money and treats him like shit. Lourdes says they drew conclusions about her because they don’t know her (and because she’s a whore who married Jorge for money and treats him like shit).
Anfisa is pissed that Jorge tells her she needs to make an effort with his family, and wonders why Jorge would want to be around people that “talk shit” about his wife. Umm, because they’re his family. Lourdes is never going to win this one. She is a rational, reasonable human being who is genuinely concerned for her brother’s welfare. She’s no match for Anfisa, who stonily rebuts every one of her arguments with her peculiar but unshakable brand of logic, until Lourdes loses her cool and accuses her of only “spreading her legs” for Jorge when he has money. At that, Anfisa gets up to go and Lourdes calls her a little girl who solves her problems by walking away. They exchange a few more words, then Anfisa turns to leave and Jorge, like a beaten dog, follows her. Lourdes is upset that this girl has alienated Jorge from his family and vows to not let her destroy him.
Danielle and Mohamed
Danielle goes to meet with a lawyer to discuss the annulment. Again.
Mohamed is concerned about his immigration status given the current political climate in the US, so he meets with his Russian friend to get some advice. She tells him he’s right to be concerned, because he can be deported for any little thing. This scares Mohamed, but also motivates him to nail Danielle to the wall if she goes forward with the annulment. Mohamed might have a shot here, because Danielle’s rap sheet is about a mile long.
Chantal and Pedro
Chantal returns from her bachelorette party and there is some mild drama over Pedro not being able to get a hold of her before they both dissolve into giggles over one of her sex toy gifts. Chantal thinks he needs to stop being so
controlling overprotective and trust her.
Pedro and Chantal go shopping for a ring. Pedro is comfortable spending around $500-$700 on a ring, but that’s not going to fly with Chantal. His gaming system cost $2,500, so he should be fine with buying her the ring of her dreams. She falls in love with a ring that will cost Pedro $4,000 out the door. He applies for credit and is denied because as an immigrant, he hasn’t established any credit. Chantal isn’t thrilled, but she understands, and applies for the credit on her own. Chantal is a good sport, laughing about the fact that she’s buying her own wedding ring.
Pedro Facetimes his mother, who is living in a new apartment that Pedro is helping her pay for. This is news to Chantal–while she and Pedro are living in a studio, his mother is living large, and has the nerve to rattle off a list of things she needs Pedro’s money to buy. Chantal knew Pedro was sending money to help his family out, but she had no idea how much he was sending. She’s not happy.