Thank God this show is back! Nothing gives schadenfreude like 90 Day Fiance.

First up: Jorge and Anfisa

We begin with Jorge recounting their courtship. He became smitten after seeing her whorish selfies on the internet so he contacted her. Anfisa replied to him because he said he was rich. This is what makes Anfisa so awesome.  She makes no attempt whatsoever to act like she was attracted to him or appreciated his sense of humor or his kind heart. She is only interested in dollar signs, and she makes no bones about it. Not only is Anfisa an unabashed gold digger, she seems unable to grasp the concept that money might not be the only reason to be with someone. She is refreshing.

Jorge is terrified of Anfisa, as well he should be. Before they were married she erased his iphone because he wouldn’t buy her a purse, keyed the word “idiot” on his car, locked him out of his apartment, interfered with his business calls, told him she expects a $10,000 a month allowance and alienated his family and friends. She doesn’t clean, will “never learn to cook for Jorge” because she prefers going out to restaurants, and will only work if she can be a model. With enough makeup Anfisa could definitely pose for the kind of magazines that come wrapped in black cellophane or do porn. But that is not really modeling, is it?

With all of these red flags, Jorge married Anfisa anyway, so here they are on Happily After Ever so we can get a glimpse into Jorge’s tortured life. Yeah!!

Anfisa joins Jorge as he is sitting by the pool at their LA apartment complex. He asks her how she likes living there and she replies that she thinks the people are phony. Jorge says her comment is pretty negative, but Anfisa doesn’t care. She explains that when she likes someone, she smiles at them; when she doesn’t like someone, she doesn’t smile. I’ll bet Anfisa rarely smiles. How could anyone misconstrue anything about Anfisa’s personality? She is as straightforward as they come.

They talk about Anfisa’s upcoming green card interview with immigration–God I’d love to be a fly on the wall at that meeting! Jorge is excited for her to get her green card so she can drive and work (Anfisa sidesteps his question about getting a job), but is also worried that she is using him for a green card. To allay his fears, Anfisa says she is looking forward to getting her green card so she can feel like a normal human being instead of a hostage. In her talking head, she says she wants her green card so she can finally be free. It’s not looking good for Jorge and Anfisa’s marriage.

Off to Sandusky–for an establishing shot they show a banner that says “Ohio City.” Ohio City is nowhere near Sandusky–it is a hip and trendy, man-bun infested Millenial paradise neighborhood in Cleveland where the craft beer selection alone would send frumpy Danielle into a tailspin of confusion and terror.

Danielle recounts the story of picking up Mohamed on the internet and bringing him from his native Tunisia to the US. We’re treated to flashback footage of their wedding, where Mohamed refused to kiss Danielle, citing Ramadan restrictions. Their relationship was a disaster, and as soon as Mohamed got his green card, he took off for Miami. A scorned Danielle filed for an annulment so Mohamed would get deported, then pulled the annulment in favor of a divorce because she fell for Mohamed’s promise that they could still be friends if only he would be allowed to stay in America. She has since wised up, and re-filed the annulment.

It is amazing to me that Mohamed got a green card in the first place. Who was the immigration officer that interviewed him and Danielle about their marriage? What about them convinced this officer that the marriage was legit? This was so obviously a green card ploy, it confirms my suspicions that government workers are checked-out drones just marking time until their pensions kick in.

Danielle is doing well now. She has a job, is going to school, claims to have a new boyfriend and is on the verge of buying a rundown shithole for herself so she can no longer be evicted by a never-ending string of vindictive landlords. In Miami, Mohamed has found work as an Uber (or maybe Lyft) driver and has his own apartment. He is basking in his triumph of fooling Danielle into getting a divorce instead of an annulment when he is served with the re-filed annulment papers. He calls Danielle and tells her he’s coming to Ohio. He is confident he can once again trick her into re-filing for divorce instead.

Next we check in with milquetoast Oklahoman Russ and his garish Colombian wife, Paola, who is now pursuing modeling and acting in Miami. Another would-be model. At least Anfisa is in LA. Russ, who still has not found another job, is trying to sell their house in Oklahoma so he can join Pao in Miami. This does not bode well. Miami is to Russ as Death Valley is to a penguin, just like Oklahoma is to Pao as an Amish gathering is to a Charo impersonator high on Molly.

Pao’s modeling agency initially led her to believe she’d be earning enough money as a short, pushing 30-year-old model in Miami to support both her and Russ. (Not) surprisingly, they backtrack and advise her to get a couple of bartending/cocktailing jobs on the side because she won’t be making that much to begin with. They assure her that they won’t send her out on any modeling gigs that pay less than $100. What kind of modeling job pays less than $100? Miami is a cesspool, and Pao has landed herself right in the middle of the shadiest, most meretricious “profession” in the shadiest, most meretricious city the United States has to offer.

The modeling agent tells Pao she should go blonde to distinguish herself from the hordes of Latin models roaming the streets, hotel bars and rented yachts of Miami. She pays an avaricious stylist $450 to accomplish this transformation, and while it looks okay in the salon, in the light of day it reads murky orange. Not an auspicious beginning to Pao’s modeling career.

Jorge and Anfisa are going house hunting because Anfisa is dissatisfied with their one-bedroom apartment. In Russia, living in a big house shows the world you are doing well, so Anfisa wants a big house. Jorge has told the realtor is budget is $5,000 a month, so of course the realtor takes them to see a house that rents for over $7,000 a month. Anfisa loves it and doesn’t understand why Jorge is saying he can’t afford it. It’s time for Jorge to come clean with Anfisa. You see, he lied to her when he told her he was a millionaire and could buy her anything she wanted. Turns out he spent all his money trying to impress her and now he’s in debt. Anfisa is rightfully angry. She says it best herself, when she tells him, “You should have told me before–I’ve always been honest with you.” That she has. No one could ever accuse Anfisa of being anything but completely forthcoming when it comes to expressing her expectations about being gifted with anything and everything she wants. Now that Jorge has told Anfisa that he lied about his finances, he is worried that she’ll either leave him or get him deeper into debt. Um, duh.

Ugh, Chantel and Pedro. They seem like they’re happy, but there is still tension with Chantel’s family because Chantel and Pedro told them that Pedro was in the US on a student visa and not a fiance visa. Now Chantel’s family doesn’t trust Pedro. This is not Pedro’s fault. Chantel concocted this lie because she was too immature to be honest with her family and risk hearing their concerns about her decision. Now Chantel and Pedro want to have a second wedding in the Dominican Republic so Pedro’s family can be there, and the two families can get to know each other. This is essentially the same storyline they had last year. Later in the season they will do a retread of Melanie and Devar’s storyline from last year, where Chantel becomes worried that Pedro only wants to be with her so he can send money back to his family in the Dominican Republic. That’s pretty much it for Chantel and Pedro this week.

In Miami, Pao meets Juan, her gay friend from Colombia, and his boyfriend for drinks. She sits there and laughs as Juan nonstop trashes her husband and marriage, half-heartedly defending Russ along the way. Pao seems surprised when Juan tells her that everyone of their friends in Colombia think that her marriage to Russ is a mesalliance. Obviously. I can’t imagine that they ever had anything in common other than his lust for her and her lust for a green card. Never have I seen two more mismatched people who profess to be in love. Pao is clearly in her element hitting the Miami clubs, and there is nothing wrong with that. These two should just go their separate ways so Russ can marry some drab Midwestern human resources manager who won’t offend his parents, and Pao can get a job go-go dancing in South Beach without fear of reprisal.

Mohamed has run out of gas in Ohio and has the audacity to expect Danielle to drop everything and come help him. Danielle, exhibiting the first glimmer of a backbone she’s shown throughout this series, gleefully refuses.

Pao Facetimes Russ to show him her new blonde hair and break the news that her MAW job is not going to pay the bills. Russ is unhappy and thinks that Pao is not concerned about the “financial pickle” they’re in. Despite her impressive grasp of the English language, Pao is probably not familiar with the distinctly Midwestern colloquialism of being “in a pickle.” If that’s how Russ describes their financial situation to her, maybe that’s why she doesn’t seem concerned. Pao tells Russ how happy she is in Miami and that she’s meant to be there. Of course she is–everything about Pao oozes Miami. The brassy dye job, hot pink lipstick, skimpy Forever 21 wardrobe, tacky photo shoots and dubious modeling career are all perfectly at home in Miami, as is Pao. She tells Russ he’s going to love it there as much as she does, but he knows, as we know, that he is not.

Mohamed has managed to walk to the gas station and is able to meet with his lawyer. The lawyer laughably tells Mohamed, who is married to Danielle, that the K-1 Visa is designed to prevent fraud. HAHAHAHAHAHA! He tells Mohamed that if he’s not with Danielle, he is out of status and can be deported at any time–unless they can build a case strong enough to keep him in the US if the annulment goes through. The lawyer inquires about his intentions in marrying Danielle, and Mohamed, operator that he is, manages to keep a straight face while affirming that indeed his intentions were pure. Again, HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is why lawyers sometimes don’t want to dig too deeply, so they can proceed with an obviously bullshit case and cover their own asses by saying, “but that’s what my client told me.” I know, I’m a lawyer. And anything is possible. Except that Mohamed married Danielle for any reason other than to secure a green card. That is not possible.

Anfisa and Jorge are out to dinner, where she is once again raking him over the coals for lying to her about being a millionaire. In addition to being pissed that he lied to her, she is now worried that his debt may become her debt. Anfisa is no slouch when it comes to self-preservation. She suggests they get a post-nuptial agreement wherein Jorge takes full responsibility for his debt. To Jorge, this discussion portends divorce. Duh. Anfisa may be a blatant gold-digger, but Jorge is a shady character. When she asks him how much he owes, he says, “a few thousand.” Anfisa keeps pressing him, and he admits it’s more like thirty thousand. In his talking head, Jorge spins his blatant lies by saying that Anfisa “may have been misled,” but if she truly loves him, she’ll love him whether he’s rich or poor. Um, Jorge, no she won’t. Last season, when Jorge asked Anfisa what she would do if he became disabled and couldn’t work, she told him she would leave him. It doesn’t get more crystal clear than that. You can find Anfisa’s motivations repulsive, but you can’t fault her for being duplicitous. That marriage’s shelf life is about to expire in 3…2…1…

Loren and hot Alexei are still living in Florida, but she misses New York. She wants to visit her best friend Sarah, but knows Alexei won’t be happy at the thought of Loren and Sarah hitting the big city unchaperoned. He still hasn’t forgiven Sarah for taking Loren to a male strip club for her bachelorette party, but Loren, with typical myopic determination to gratify her own desires, forges ahead with her plans. I believe this couple is truly in love, but Loren has been keeping a secret about her infamous bachelorette party, which will jeopardize the relationship. This is really the only interesting thing about these two at this point. I don’t care that Loren gave up her life in New York to move to Florida with Alexei. He gave up his life in Israel to move to Florida with her. That’s a bigger deal. Now he loves living in Florida (nice to know somebody does), and doesn’t want to be uprooted again. For once, Loren should nurture her husband instead of the other way around. But Loren is Loren, and she’ll probably wear the admirably stoic Alexei down eventually and get her way–if, that is, the revelation of her bachelorette party shenanigans doesn’t send him running. Stay tuned!